The Journey of Jess

We've been busy!!

2012-02-04T14:28:00.000-07:00

Right after the girls' birth. Haven on the left, Baila in the center.

I promise to catch the blog up as soon as I have a spare moment. Suffice it to say, the girls are here, home, and healthy and we are all trying to get used to being a family of five. Here are some photos to hold everyone over.

Haven and Baila 4 weeks. Haven on top, Baila snoozing below

Haven's "you don't say?" face

Baila's wondering if this is the time for photos

All three of my beautiful girls

NICU pic- girls nose to nose helping each other get well

NICU photo

Holding them together

6 weeks old getting ready for bed. Baila on top, Haven underneath.

Haven looking oh so serious

I am hoping to be able to update with their birth story and subsequent NICU story soon. Life is muy loco right now with feedings and little sleep but I do want to share! Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers through out my pregnancy. I can honestly say that it was all worth it.

Thirty-Seven Weeks and last pregnancy post!

2011-12-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

There it is in all it's pregnancy glory. This may be my last posed pregnancy shot, at least before the hospital. I am 37 weeks and 4 days today and I am going to be giving birth tomorrow morning. Words cannot express how excited and nervous that I am. Life is going to drastically change for the McGraws with those girl's first breaths. I can't believe that we have all made it this far and well to be honest that this is actually going to happen. I like to think of myself as a realist which means that I'm somewhat of a pessimist when it comes to these things like pregnancies and the like. I fully expected to have more complications and for this to be a whole lot harder than it has been. Other than the discomfort, of which there is plenty, this pregnancy has been really easy and normal. I still wouldn't recommend a twin pregnancy to anyone their right minds :)

Now a statistic that will blow your mind, no I'm divulging my weight but I will tell you that I am 55 inches around. That is 4 feet and 7 inches! I could use a fourth grader as a belt. Wow, just wow. I am so proud of my body. It has truly risen above and beyond anything I thought was possible. It's truly a miracle.

I want to ask for each of your prayers and kind thoughts as we go into this stage of life. I am so grateful to have had this opportunity to record my pregnancy and to those who have shared in it with me. I will be back sometime, who knows when, with a birth update and tons of pics.

Thirty Six Weeks!

2011-12-12T09:08:00.002-07:00

Still baking here.

And to be perfectly honest, I'm done as mush as I can be. This post will probably be a litany of complaints just to warn you, I'm not a happy or comfortable camper. I have hit the thirty-six week wall hardcore. I am now contemplating begging the doctor to end my misery this Friday, though I don't have much hope that he will. Why is it so hard right now, I will tell you.

Constant heartburn in the afternoons. It hurts so much that my ears burn. Yep stomach acid is burning my Eustachian tubes. No bueno.
Very sore areas on my stomach. I have a spot that the babies love to kick that is just stretched to the max. It hurts when something brushes against it it hurts when Baby B's butt decides to burrow there, it just hurts constantly. Unfortunately this is the same spot that gets squished by all counters and tables.
I can hardly walk. It feels like I have a bowling ball trying to exit my pelvis, so I waddle and I'm slow. It hurts, have I mentioned that?

I am gonna stop right there because I don't want to come off as a sour Susan or anything like that. I am truly grateful for these girls I am just not sure there is much more room in my tummy for these blessings. I cannot wait to have them on the outside to snuggle, cuddle, and love!

Eight more days at the most folks! I'll try to update once more, but if not there will be a birth post soon.

35 Weeks

2011-12-07T09:48:00.005-07:00

I'm still pregnant I promise! I have just been too lazy for a pic this week. I have a cold and I'm exhausted all the time. Blame low oxygen getting to my brain or my total lack of sleep but I'm not sure there will be better pic than the following. I promise to post it next week.

This is my belly from my view. It is quite cumbersome and I'm pretty sure it extends to about 3 inches to my knees. I don't know how to explain a twin pregnancy other than it is probably the most humiliating physical condition of my life and that includes my teenage acne! I can't roll over without at least a three-point-turn. I have to shop in a motorized wheelchair provided by the store and if you know me personally you know I'm clumsy enough on my feet adding a unknown mechanical machine is just asking for store merchandise all over the floor. That and you do not get any respect in those things I can't tell you how many people block the aisles and the ignore your attempts to get past. Whew I could rant about this all day, but back to my constant humiliation. This has truly cemented my desire to never become one of those flatbed obese people. I cannot imagine being bigger than I am now and still holding on to a shred of dignity. For the record I know that there are conditions that make a person that size without a conscious choice by the participant but I a talking about the people going for the world record. I miss touching my toes and putting on shoes without contorting myself. Seriously I feel like this most days...

BWahahaha! K it's not that bad but don't you love Loralei's drunk girl in the bathtub face! Here's the story, I was working and with my new living room set up my back is facing the rest of the room. My sneaky monkey of a daughter manages to get into my makeup. This is face is later when she was upset about something. I couldn't punish her for the makeup because she looked so happy and of course came up to me with her cute Minnie Mouse voice and said "I sorry Mama, I sorry." How can you get upset with an upfront apology like that? Love it!!

I had my 35 week doctor's appointment and we set a date of December 20th for my csection. That will give us enough time to get out of the hospital before Christmas. So that is like ummm thirteen days away! I'm honestly freaking out right now. I consider myself a good mother, in fact being a mother has been the thing that has come easiest to me over being a wife, daughter, and even friend, but to increase my mothering load from one child to three is very daunting to me. I feel like Heavenly Father is promoting me to Parenting 1000 way too quickly. In fact,even with the humiliating condition of this pregnancy the worry and stress of how to provide and care for three daughters is my main complaint. I want to be a good mother and provide each little girl the care and love that she needs and I'm only one person. Maybe you moms of more than one child can help me out cause I can't even imagine the situation I will be in at most 13 days from now.

So this has been a wordy post, so I'm going to save my additional worries for the next post. Pray for us and take care until next week!

Thirty Four Weeks!

2011-11-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

I have to say that I love the ebb and flow of this pregnancy. Week 33 was tough I didn't think I could make it much longer and I was so scared that my negativity would bring these babies around earlier than they needed to be. I did survive to week 34 and this week has been much easier. My body has adjusted to the new weight and as long as I don't do too much (i.e. anything at all) I'm fairly comfortable and my contractions are at a minimum.

I had an official ultrasound at my doctor's office this week. The babies are still measuring ahead of their gestational age by a few days. Baby A is 4 pounds and 13 ounces and Baby B is 5 pounds and 9 ounces. This is of course plus or minus half a pound. Loralei and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law came to the ultrasound and it was special to share that with them. I love seeing my baby especially in better resolution than the portable ultrasound machine at the hospital. We got some really cute shots of Baby A who is no longer engaged, yes she managed to claw and squirm her way out of my pelvis and is now sitting transverse right along my pelvis. We got some cute pictures of her little face and she looks so much like Loralei. I cannot wait to find out what these girls look like.

I started my non stress tests (NSTs) a couple of weeks ago but only lately has the girls decided to be difficult and really make it stressful. I was at Labor and Delivery for two hours on Friday to try to get Baby B to be still long enough to get a reliable lead on her heart rate. The nurse was holding the lead on my stomach and really digging it in and then the Baby got the hiccups. The nurse literally threw up her hands and stormed out saying "We will never get anything now!" I have to laugh because it seems like these girls are taking after their parents in the difficult department. I have since returned for another NST and we have discovered that I must me on my right side and practically on my head to get a good lead but the girls look great! It only took about and hour and 15 minutes for a 20 minute lead on the girls.

I'm hoping to keep these girls in for at least a few more weeks. I have a few goals in mind that are coming up close. First December 1st, I mean hey that's Thursday and I will officially made it to 35 weeks and to the designated month of their birth. After that it's to Dec 8th and then anything more is just gravy.

Please pray and send good thoughts my way, I may be catching a cold which would really bite right about now. Take Care.

33 Weeks

2011-11-22T09:35:00.001-07:00

Do me a favor and don't look too hard at that photo. It seems these girls are really sucking away my "beauty" at this last part of pregnancy. Of course this was taken after 9 PM at night after wrestling Loralei to bed. Good news on that front! She actually went to sleep by herself last night! I left her awake and she demonstrated self-control to stay in bed and fall asleep. I'm very proud.

I am officially 33 weeks and a few days. I always run late now so sorry that it's not pinpoint accurate. I don't feel as huge as these pictures make me out to be. In fact I get amazed at peoples reactions to me until I catch myself in a mirror. My world has shrunk these past few weeks and not just because I take up more room. My body is really tired and I don't get to go or do much. I started non stress tests twice a week last week and with my weekly doctor's appointment I basically just go back and forth from American Fork Hospital and my doctor's office. I'm pretty boring.

I mostly pass the time reading books that I adore and know that I won't have time to enjoy again after the twins are born. So far I have reread the Harry Potter series, the Hunger Game series, and I'm in the middle of two more. If these babies take their dear sweet time I may have to start all over.

Loralei is getting very excited for the girls and we are discussing things she can do with the babies. She says she will sing to them and kiss them and hold them. I'm so excited for the baby who made me a mama to meet her new sisters.

I must get back to life, but I hope that all who reads has a joyful and blessed Thanksgiving holiday. I am so grateful for this process and for my body that is really doing amazing things right now. Take Care.

32 Weeks and Counting

2011-11-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

Yes I am currently THAT big. It's a hoot really it's like playing hot potato without being able to get rid of the potato. People see me walking down a hallway or street and you can see the panic in their eyes of "Where do I go, help!" I have to laugh because what is the alternative.

We had a Labor and Delivery adventure last Friday night. I started having contractions, little ones, but still 5-6 per hour so I diligently went to L&D. They were a bit shirty with me since the contractions didn't hurt but hey I've had Dr. Haskett frustrated at me before. Turned out that I was dehydrated so I was sent home with the instructions to rest all weekend (so no marathons or triathlons) and to drink lots and lots of water. I'm closed tight like a drum so these girls aren't going anywhere any time soon. (I hope, I hope, I hope!)

This week has been rough on us. My back hurts all the time and I do have all these random pains that comes from being pregnant with two babes. I'm in that last growth spurt stage of all pregnancy so it feels like everyday I wake up to more weight and a heavier stomach. Luckily the end is in sight and the girls and doing so well. I hope to make it to 37 weeks, praying to make it to 37 weeks but if things keep as they are I think its possible, I just may be useless for anything besides gestating.

Bright side: time is flying by! I can't believe that next week is Thanksgiving and after that we are into the month my girls will be born. Eeeek!

Delinquently 31 weeks

2011-11-03T10:22:00.000-06:00

Don't you love the pajamas and the barely pulled back hair. I look HAWT in this pic right, right? I'm sorry that I skipped two weeks. I don't really have a good excuse except my continuous procrastination. I realized I needed to do it and then the days sort of just slipped by. My hubby went out of town last weekend so there's my excuse for Monday and the week before I was sick again :( It's been lovely.

I have to give a shout out to my dear friend Abby, she helped talk me down from a proverbial ledge last Saturday. This being pregnant is hard anyway but being pregnant with twins is like UBER META HARD. My freedoms are pretty much curtailed at this point from back pain and stomach girth and it's sad for me that I can't just go out shopping or clean my house without serious recovery time. Throw in a fall that wrenched my back yesterday and you can imagine my outlook on life. So its back to my old standby of faking it until I make it, and I'm gonna fake being overjoyed about the process until I can fool myself.

The girls are doing wonderful. I had a doctor's appointment last week and they are measuring about a week ahead of single babies. I'm a rock star at growing big babies, ask Loralei who was 9 lbs 6 ounces. At the appointment they weighed right about 4 lbs a piece with 3 ounces difference. That's 8 pounds of infant already! Whew no wonder my back gets tired. Everything looks great and I have another appointment next week, then every week after that until I deliver.

It was neat to see them on the ultrasound screen. They are so big that now they typically look like I'm pregnant with a many-legged octopus mutant. One baby is already head down and engaged, she's ready for the show or has just realized that it's much more fun to kick mom right in the bladder and cause a slight pee panic. Baby B is now transverse, which means right across the belly and able to kick both side of my ribs at once. I adore my girls already they are already exhibiting the Vaughn-McGraw pestering attitudes.

Halloween was a lot of fun. Little Miss Loralei went as Minnie Mouse. She has developed such an opinion about everything that I was lucky to get her to agree to this costume.

I think she looks adorable but the ears were not a big hit and she refused to wear them to both Trick-or Treating activities we went to. She was a pro at trick or treating though. She would knock on the door loudly say "Trick-or-Treat!" and then would politely say "Thank you." It was really cute. I can't wait for next year when we may do a Dr. Seuss theme.

Hopefully I will be a better blogger and try to keep up with this pregnancy. I have a new laptop so maybe!! Take Care

9 Years and 28 weeks

2011-10-18T11:18:00.000-06:00

It just hit me how I always seem to measure milestones for myself in units of time; "oh I'm twenty-SEVEN now, or I haven't had caffeine in 12 hours." I hit two pretty big milestones this past week. On October 12th, I hit the nine year milestone of my baptism into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I cherish my membership in the church and I revel in all the good it has brought in my life. I know now more than I knew then that this is the true church. I know that this is church of Jesus Christ and I have marveled at how my love for the Savior and his principles has blossomed. I am forever grateful for those who introduced the church to me and truly demonstrated the love that is contained in the gospel. I know that the decision to join the church has made all the difference in my life. If you too would like to experience this change I implore you to read the Book of Mormon and pray about the teachings that it contains. I know you will receive a witness just as I have that it is the truth. I truly love this gospel and all that it has brought to me.

On to my next milestone, I am officially in my third trimester. Twenty-eight weeks Woot Woot! This is how I look.

I am pretty huge no? I feel pretty good. I get tired easily and sleeping is sometimes a joke, all in all I don't feel this big. It's pretty amazing to me how you adapt, I only really feel big when I'm out in public. Some memorable quotes are "Please Honey, tell me your almost through," and "So you deliver next week right?" Also there was some excited signing by a sweet deaf couple at Costco who were really surprised that I was in Costco and all I caught was "Two! you are beautiful." Why thank you, kind people I do feel like sideshow but also I'm pretty jazzed at how awesome this pregnancy is going. There has been no swelling, no contractions, and the babies have both moved to a position where I can feel their late night parties and day time kick-fests. Life is good.

Babycenter has graced us with another look into a twin mom's womb so this is what is going on right now.

K pretty much standard. When I look at this pic I think wow, it's amazing I don't pee more than I do cause that bladder is just sad right there. I do have some differences tho...so here is my 28 week womb picture

I couldn't add how my abs are seriously always rock hard. At first I thought that it was Braxton Hicks but the top of my stomach never relaxes. It's got to be strain of holding all the weight of the girls and well my guts in so I can function. This pregnancy is really a trip. Ok, the creative juices have run dry. Take care until next week.

27 weeks or something like it

2011-10-12T09:34:00.000-06:00

Ok so it's Wednesday, I technically turn 28 weeks tomorrow but I promised to blog every week of my pregnancy 25 weeks on and I'm not gonna give up. The pic is from this morning, lovely no? I am about to bust out of my biggest maternity clothes. This week has been the first week that I've been tired of being pregnant. I know I still have a long ways to go and I pray that I still at least 10 weeks to go but with the pain from my fall two weeks ago and justifiably feeling huge it's been a rougher week. I decided to break it into the bad and the good.

THE BAD:

Having to sit all the time on a bottom that doesn't want you there.
Running out of clothes that will provide full coverage of the tummy.
Having your doctor look at your stomach and say "Awww poor belly."
Trying to nest when you get winded and tired so so easily.
Having a blood pressure of 90/58, seriously that low. I get dizzy and tired ALL the time.

THE GOOD:
Feeling these babies squirming and knowing that they are growing as they should.
Having a husband who puts up with your most bat crap crazy moments.
Your baby shower where some of the most special women in my life showered these twins with presents and diapers.
Having a blood pressure of 90/58 because there's a slim to none chance I'm developing pre-eclampsia.
People watching when they see me. I get so much special treatment and I swear people are expecting me to drop a calf at any moment.

Ok, enough with lists. Things are about 50-50 this morning. I'm not sleeping well and it's getting to me but luckily I'm not having any pre term labor symptoms or really any out of the ordinary full term pregnancy symptoms. All that has really changed is that the mechanical wheelchairs at the stores are looking really good when I'm out and about.

Ry, my sweet husband, has set up our room in preparation for the twins. We now have a really tall bed and a sidecar crib. I think it's going to work out really well when I'm recovering from my c-section and breastfeeding. It's a pretty big change getting in and out of bed but its actually easier not to have to try to lift myself out of the bed in the morning.

Even though I was up half the night in one of my bouts with insomnia planning this blog post, the mind grapes (30 Rock, gotta love it) have run dry so I'm gonna sign off for this week and I promise to come back next week much more chipper and happy to be apart of this wonderful process that is twin pregnancy. Take care all!

P.S. My doc said yesterday at my appointment that he's shooting for December 15th with these babies so that means like 64 days. Eeeekkk! But I'm holding out for the day after Christmas cause I'm stubborn that way.

Twenty-six weeks

2011-10-03T09:21:00.000-06:00

Here is me yesterday evening for my 26 week photo. I have a little confession last week's picture freaked me out a little because I looked smaller than at 23 weeks. I called my doc, I'm sure that they are going to get so tired of hearing from me but the had me come in for an ultrasound. I love ultrasounds to see them floating around and just being pretty chill. I did get dizzy on this ultrasound tho. Evidently four pounds of baby is the exact amount of pressure to restrict the blood flow to my brain and I got dizzy. The girls are doing beautifully and are about two pounds a piece. They are growing right together. The reason my stomach looked less girth-ful was due to their shift in position where one is a bit more tucked in and they are both trying to occupy the upper quadrant of my stomach.

The past week has been easy peasey until I slipped and feel down a few stairs on Saturday morning. I really need your prayers because I bruised the area around my coccyx pretty severely. As if I needed to be reminded that I could be MORE uncomfortable, it now hurts to sit and my legs regularly go numb from sitting on my hips. It is feeling better day-by-day but working right now is torture and I think the worse pain comes upon rising. I have yet another call put in to my doctor to see if there is any pain management tips or medication that they can give me until this resolves itself a little less painfully. However, the girls are great. This hasn't affected them in the slightest and they are still squirming and wiggling.

On the horizon I am looking forward to my baby shower. I'm so grateful for my good friends Abby Olsen and Karalee Done for putting this together. They have put in a lot of effort and planning and I'm so excited to celebrate the life of the girls.

Please keep me in your prayers that I will heal quickly. Hope each of you has a great week.

Under 100 Days!

2011-09-30T11:54:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to drop in and say WHAT!!?? I have under one hundred days less on this pregnancy. Technically since the latest my doctor will let me go right now is December 26th I have like 87-88 days left.

What!?!

Tightening of the chest, vision slowly narrowing into a pinpoint. Breathe, breathe. Ok I'm back. We are still doing good and this week's major accomplishments is that we have bought car seats! One more thing off the list. Woohoo!

K Peace out!

Twenty-five weeks

2011-09-26T11:04:00.000-06:00

I am keeping my promise. Here is me at 25 weeks. I am feeling really great with no braxton hicks or contractions. Of course my back and abs get pretty tired by the end of the day but I'm really blessed and I'm feeling really good despite my girth. My weekly complaints would have to be that sleeping is a struggle. Ry swears he hears me sleeping all the time but I just get so uncomfortable I don't feel like I get much sleep at all. That's about it. I can't complain too much this has been such a ride and I'm surprised I feel as good as I do.

Loralei is becoming used to the idea of the babies. She asks to see the babies first thing in the morning, when the belly is all lopsided, and she will just kiss and talk to them. I hope they recognize her voice when they get here. It's so cute to hear here whisper to them.

There is progress being made in the twins room. I have went through all our clothes and sorted keepers and donations. Also, I'm starting to wash all the newborn and 3-6 month clothes. I need to pick up two dressers so we have a place to put all these clothes. I also want to change the border in the room and we'll be pretty much set room wise. It will feel good to have that checked off our list of the never-ending prep for the twins.

This week I have my glucose test. I'm not really looking forward to it so wish me luck! The orange soda like stuff is not that appetizing and my twinners definitely are not going to be happy about the moratorium on eating. It's usually my growling tummy that convinces me I have to get up. They don't like the gap between dinner and breakfast very much so a bit extra wait may be my undoing.

Please pray for us that we may stay healthy and strong. Until next week, or unless something strikes my fancy.

24 Weeks and So Many Changes

2011-09-19T10:21:00.000-06:00

I am 24 weeks. The time has really flown by these past two months because the McGraw household has been so busy. First up, here is the aquarium view of the twins.

Now this is a picture of the "normal" 24 week twins. I'm not saying my girls are abnormal but like me I think they are a bit more difficult than ideal. So here's a diagram of what the babes are doing.

Oh the joy, I shouldn't complain about the movements because I depend on them literally, if I ever stop and realize I haven't felt them for ohhh about 10 minutes I freak a little. Two babes are just uber stressful. I had a doctor's appointment last week and an ultrasound (gotta LOVE those) and I am officially carrying about 2.5 lbs of baby. :) I sure hope that grows, no matter the discomfort, to about ummm 14 lbs of baby. Oh to explain the Hi-Ya kick its a kick where I know they are punching my ribs and kicking either my cervix or bladder at the same time. I mean there's no way that they have coordinated split second kicks yet right? They can't be conspiring against me so early so I'm choosing to blame one baby.

On our ultrasound Baby A really got to shine this time. We have some adorable pics of her yawning and stretching and pushing her sister's legs away. It is just mind blowing how much they are interacting, now whether they realize it is a different matter. Baby B had her legs in Baby A's face almost the entire time and you could see Baby B trying to swat them away. There is a membrane separating them but the tech said its about as thick as a sheet of cellophane so there's practically nothing separating them. At the end, we got the most heart warming pic of them face to face like they were whispering secrets. (Probably coordinating those hi-ya kicks, but it's cute no matter what)

As for our other changes, we moved. Ry and I bought a home in Lehi. It's half of a twin home with three bedrooms, no HOA, and a yard. I am so happy that we made this step. It was a really big one for us. It has three bedrooms which is a must now that we are expecting twins and two bathrooms. I love our new ward, they are really friendly and have gone out of there way to welcome us. It's a big change (haha) moving from American Fork and I miss our ward there terribly, but I have just felt this is the place for us from the beginning.

I will sign off, next time I will have a pic of week 25 and then I will start weekly pics. I hope...

16 weeks!

2011-07-21T08:52:00.000-06:00

This is what my belly look in aquarium view. The twins are still kicking away and other than some minor cramping and back pain everything is going well. I think my body has been having the "what the frak is going on!?" with my rapid belly poppage. I'm really enjoying this process and can't wait until the first part of August to find out what these beauties are. We recently had a name change in the line-up which leads me to my prediction that I have one boy and one girl cooking away in there. That's my ideal tho so maybe it's just wishful thinking.

Life is moving forward. We're in the final approval stage for a house in Lehi. I pray we get it. We've been melting in the July heat and a house with air conditioning is just what the doctor ordered, actually pretty literally. It's a gorgeous house and I hope we get to make it our home.

Well I'm off to drown myself in more water!

Twins!

2011-06-17T09:16:00.000-06:00

Yes it is true I am having twins due approximately around Christmas. We are so excited to expand our family in this enormous way and a little overwhelmed for sure. This pregnancy has been pretty uneventful. I'm sicker than usual and already sporting a pooch so it's been fun. The never ending pregnancy heat has returned and I'm hot all the time. I think that and the nausea are my least favorite parts since they seem to feed into each other. My favorite part is feeling the little baby lumps in the morning and all the dreaming and planning that comes with a new baby...times 2!

I feel so truly blessed to have this happening right now. I was concerned that Loralei would "too old" to really bond with the new baby, but now that they're two we are glad she's going to be a little older than planned. She loves kissing my tummy and telling the babes night-night. I am so so blessed in every way. I am taking some belly shots and I will upload them once I get them from my sister-in-law.

Your kind thoughts and prayers are appreciated as we navigate the world of being the parents of twinners.

Return from the Promised Land

2011-03-10T09:19:00.003-07:00

Hello All!

We have returned from the promised land on Utah. That may not be historically correct but I know that for me St. George is my promised land. I adore the salty almost sea-like wind that blows through the red rock hills. I adore the warm sun that seems to bring us to life after a lond snowy Wasatch winter. We slept with the windows open and we swan outside for the first time this year.

Let me tell you Loralei is a water bug. Every time that we would even mention swimming she would start stripping down and running for her swimsuit. Seeing her so excited and lighting up at those words makes me so excited for this summer! I am so glad that we enrolled her in swim classes last year. She has no fear of the water and I love that. I wanted us to share that.

I don't have any pictures right now but I will post soon. I'll leave describing our hike until then.

Dieting and this First Signs of Spring

2011-02-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

It might not be such a good idea for me to write a post so late (HA HA it's 9:55 and that's late to me) but here goes.

New to me this week is a diet. I found a new web resource on shape.com. BTW I love the Shape Magazine. I don't get any magazine subscriptions besides the Ensign but if I did Shape would be the first one. I may sound all Liz Lemon-ish (30 Rock) but I love how the magazine promotes healthy body image and also just seems pretty down to Earth. Well, shape.com has a virtual trainer that is almost exactly like the Weight Watcher's online tool at the old one that I used and the best part is that it is free. I really wanted to see if I could become healthier without spending a lot of money on a program that I may not follow. So, I started on Wednesday and I can say that while I hate having to restrict calories cause I love to eat, that this is the most straight forward diet I have ever been on. I can't fail at this one unless I choose to. (Which is why I like Weight Watchers too but I really don't want to pay for them.) So if you check it out and sign up become my friend. I am heavenleigh07. Help me to lose the weight finally!

Also, lately the weather has been like this

and this

and we have been enjoying it. I love Spring and I love warm weather. Sometimes in the middle of the snowy Wasatch winter I wonder how I ever ended up here, but Spring makes me start loving where I'm planted. And oh boy are we taking advantage of it. We have been walking away, if it was a little warmer we would be biking but hey beggars can't be choosers. We walked the Highland, Utah canyon mouth trail today and really enjoyed the sunshine and warm breeze. Thank you Heavenly Father for giving us this small show of the glory of Spring!

BTW Ry and I are 2 for 2 on going to the temple each month so far this year. I love the temple and I love the Spirit that I feel there. I am so grateful that I am able to attend a place that the Spirit of the Lord rests so heavily. It truly helped me to put somethings in perspective and also helped others to put me in my place for Heavenly Father (which was heartily unpleasant but needed). I need to look at what I have and not let my recent setbacks define me or my abilities (wow how vague).

I hope that each of us face each day as the brand new gift and opportunity that it is. I know that I will truly try.

Looking forward to

2011-02-07T08:40:00.007-07:00

I have been in an enormous funk lately. In short, my 2011 has been disappointing so far and our family has gone through some challenges that has really made us reevaluate a few things. I have been trying to deduce a way for me to buck up and stop the gray moods around our home. After hours of contemplation I realized that we need to to focus on being grateful on what we do have ( a recurring theme for this blog) and that while winter always brings our mood down that we should look forward to the things that will bring happiness.
Here are a two things I am ridiculously looking forward to: our friend's Valentines celebration

Found at http://maltaddict.wordpress.com/2010/02/06/what-are-you-doing-for-valentines-day/ using Google pics

and our annual family/ anniversary vacation to St. George!

Pic of Rory and Ry last year on a hike up Snow Canyon.

A bunch of my friends and I have planned a scavenger type hunt for for our menfolk. I love the idea but I think the girls are going to have much more fun than the boys. We have t shirts and clues and candy. The best part of event will be spending some time with some primo women. These woman are amazing in their own way and it will be fabulous way for us to celebrate Valentines day and the men are going to be fed a wonderful dinner afterward and there may be sometime for some cuddling and movie watching at the end. Thanks to Abby for spearheading this project and giving us direction to our celebration.

St. George is in less than 25 days! I adore St. George. It is my favorite place in Utah no competition. It's my oasis of Spring in the desert of Utah winter. I love St. George. It holds so many beautiful memories and I love that we get to go back every year.

I hope that each of you have some fun plans in the near future as well. Alas, I must get to work! Until next time!

What's Going On

2011-01-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

So I postponed adding a new addition to this blog because I was anticipating having a big announcement. Well, that didn't work out as planned so here's my New Year's Resolutions for 2011.

This year I want the amazing family, friends, and loved ones in my life to know how dear they are to me. In time of heartaches and troubles there are people who always stand up and support me. I want to devote this year to making those people who support me know how important they are in my life.

I want to this year to show the gratitude I have for my body. I need to celebrate all the amazing things it can do by eating healthier, becoming fitter, and really pushing myself physically this year. I am really excited to get started and to make the life changes I need to show how grateful I am for this wonderful mechanical wonder that I have been given.

I have a few more mundane things I want to add to the list like save more money, be more tidy, and potty train my toddler but those will also help my quality of life.

I'll be back to soon to talk about how I'm going to accomplish these things. As always love each other and be well.

Christmas Photo

2010-12-20T12:52:00.000-07:00

I LOVE Christmas! Christmas is the one holiday that makes me feel like a kid again. I am all aflutter about Loralei opening her presents which include a mini cleaning kit, a rocking horse, puzzles and a stocking full of little toys. Man, I'm so excited! Also I'm curious to see what my darling husband has hidden away for me. The anticipation is awful and I hope it lasts.

We got professional Christmas pictures made, I don't count myself quite photogenic but this one is quite good. I love Loralei's face. I think there is pure hatred there. Not for the photographer but for the whole situation. Being dressed up, having to pose, just everything. I still love it.

Tell me what you think.

Merry Christmas! I hope each of you have a great Christmas filled with wonder and magic as all Christmases should be.

Catch-Up

2010-12-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

I am so horrible at the daily blogging. Honestly, I needed some time to adjust to all the things going before I recorded it in the great beyond that is the Internet. Here are some pics and then I'll give ya'll an update.

Isn't she the cutest Little Devil you've ever seen? She's with her friend Zoey, who is the most adorable Panda Bear I've ever seen. Yes, this is Halloween pictures but I just got them and I wanted to share.

Life is awesome. Winter had come to Happy Valley, Utah. It's been frigid and snowy for a while now. I'm definitely looking forward to Spring already! Luckily we have some super fun winter plans coming up that makes all of it worth it.

Loralei is thriving. She is talking all the time and has learned the dreaded word "No." I'm ok with that because so far she hasn't been too horrible with it. My favorite is that she has learned to say "I Love You" which just makes the birds sing and the sun shine in my heart . She is exquisite.

We're all getting over lovely colds. Mine seems to be sticking around the longest but it's on it's way out. It needs to leave soon because I'm ready for a good night sleep again.

Christmas tree is up and I'll post a picture. I am very proud. My friend Karalee has passed the craft bug and I have to say that my tree is very crafty especially the presents underneath.

I am blessed! Special shout out to Abby who I got to introduce to Dr Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog. I had a blast and we should do it again soon!

Lessons Learned

2010-10-29T09:00:00.003-06:00

I'm sorry it has been nearly two weeks since I've posted. I quite literally needed to take a breath and process before I could share all that has changed in just these two weeks. In response to last post I received a phone call from some one involved with the situation. Due to the sensitivity of the events involved I'm being intentionally vague. However, she told me that there was a different reason for the granddaughter to be removed. Once that my mother knew of when blaming me for the situation and that I should put my mind at ease.

Also, a big emotional change for me was getting the court papers to my molestation case. Reading them was like reading a story of some one else. The biggest shock came when I read my mother's testimony against me. I guess that was really all I needed to hear to realize I need a break. I love my mother and I honor her for bringing me into the world, but her actions have hurt me and for me to move on with my life and continue with being the best mother I can be, I need a break.

On other news, Loralei is going to be the cutest tutu-ed devil for Halloween! We had a Halloween photo shoot and she is adorable. I will have those pics posted as soon as I can. I love Halloween and I love taking Halloween photos. Loralei has also pretty much successfully stopped breastfeeding. (I tried weaning, but I hate that word.) It has been pretty much painless and tearless and for that I'm so grateful. I have adored breastfeeding my child and I hope that all who can will nurse their children as well. The emotional bonding and physical benefits make it something I am very passionate about. I think that would be my second top dream job, possibly my first; helping women to have that amazing experience of nursing.

Life is good and I am so grateful for my blessings. Here are my joys.

Consequences and Life 101

2010-10-13T21:52:00.001-06:00

Trail at Cascade Springs, Utah

I talked to my biological mom today. I have to make the distinction because I have three woman who at different times and for completely different motivations were/are my mother ( a different story for a different time). I call my biological mother every Wednesday. I do this because she brought me into this world and despite whatever has occurred after that momentous occasion I owe her a weekly call. She lives in Virginia and the last time I saw her it was December 2004 so finding things to talk about is pretty difficult since we live completely different lives and there's an elephant in the room.

I was molested when I was a young child. From about the age of 3 to the age of 7, my stepfather sexually abused me. I have vivid memories of this shame and of telling my mother. She didn't and still does not believe me; she's still married to the man who did this to me. I was taken away from my mother at the age of 7 when a teacher, the wonderful and caring Suzanne Dubois (sp?) finally believed me and the state was notified. My stepfather was eventually convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison with parole being a possibility after 5. It is the sad state of the judicial system that he served 2 and 1/2 years. My mother chose him and therefore lost custody of me, her firstborn. That is the background for this particular story.

Today on my weekly phone call my mother sounded down and resentful. I have heard resentful before. It typically follows when I refuse to go on a joint vacation with my child molesting step father, but I digress. When I asked my mom what was wrong she said that her son-in-law had found out about my stepfather's record and no longer wanted for them to keep his infant daughter, their granddaughter. This is of course my fault. This is my "story" once again coming back and biting them. I concluded the phone call quickly, but I have spent all evening contemplating this turn of events.

My mother of course wanted me to apologize; to recant the "lie" I told so many years ago. It does not matter that I am being truthful. She wants to escape the consequences. Which leads me into my main topic; consequences. I want to post a quote on my wall. It says, "While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.” Consequences are the results of our actions and we cannot possibly know the all of the outcomes of each of our actions. For example, I'm sure that while my mother understood she would lose her firstborn daughter and found that consequence acceptable, she is not finding these particular consequences to her liking. I do feel for her, I know she didn't foresee this as happening but I cannot take away her consequences. I love her and I know this must be so painful for her but this is the result of her first decision nearly 20 years ago.

I too have suffered from the consequences of my actions. Who hasn't? I believe that the biggest thing we must learn in life is to make good choices so that our consequences are blessings in our lives. One small action is the drop in the pond that creates ripples. Each ripple changes the entire landscape of the pond as do each of our consequences. I know that I have learned something very important. That my actions will come back to me either in the form of good or bad. Call it karma or whatever you wish but you can't escape the decisions you make. I want to make the decisions know that when I get the consequences in twenty years I'll be pretty happy.

My paltry advice is to make good choices so good things happens, because when you bad choices bad things happen. This is Life 101.

Here are some pics from a family activity that has nothing to do with the above rant/ disjointed article on consequences.

Peanut Butter face

Lora-Loo and Me

Peek-A-Boo

Daddy and Loralei

Gratitude and Joy

2010-10-08T11:02:00.000-06:00

Last Weekend was General Conference. I loved loved LOVED it! It was the spiritual recharge that I needed. I am so grateful that I have found this Gospel! I have many favorite talks but my absolute favorite was from the beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson. It was his talk on The Divine Gift of Gratitude. You can find it here. I needed to hear this! I needed to hear how I should stop focusing on the thing I don't have and put more stock in what I do have. In contemplating this post all week I keep coming back to the realization that I had some time ago. I have everything I have ever wanted!

That sounds like I'm being facetious but of all the things I have ever begged the Divine for I have. I didn't have a strong family growing up. My biological mother and father split up before I could remember then together. Then my mother married a man that made it impossible for her to keep custody of me. I was put in foster care until they located mt father in another state. The family drama didn't end there. Life with my father and his wife, my step-mother was incredibly dysfunctional and I grew up not really believing that anyone loved me or thought I was worthwhile. Through all of that I prayed and hoped and dreamed that things would be different one day. That I would be able to have a ton of kids and a wonderful husband and we would have a life like the Cosby show.

I'm older now and I know that life is harder than portrayed in a sitcom. However, I have my family. The route that I've taken to get it has been far different than I imagine but I am married to a wonderful man who loves his family more than he loves himself. Being married to him is such an honor because he's amazing, sexy, and loving. We're happy and we're in love. I couldn't ask for more. My daughter Loralei is a ball of wonder who I love without measure. To be her mother is the greatest blessing and honor I could ever hope achieve.

This was the point of President Monson's talk. For everyone to look around and be grateful for the people who make life worth living and to forget the things that only provide false temporary happiness and to not let your gratitude for those people to go unsung. I'm so grateful for my family and the Gospel that let's us be a forever family.

For personal news, Ry is back to his usual schedule. Still two jobs but with some time in between and much more sleep. It's funny how this crazy schedule seems to be normal now. Loralei is increasing her vocabulary by leaps and bounds. It's amazing how much she understands. I've finished the last book of the Fablehaven series and I have to say I LOVE FABLEHAVEN. Give it a read it's good...that good! This will be a post without pics but I will make up for it next time! Be well!

The Insidious Self-Loathing Cycle

2010-10-01T09:41:00.001-06:00

I wanted to talk this week about something that affects most people but especially women. I got caught in it last night: it's the insidious self-loathing cycle. Mine started when I really stunk it up at volleyball last night, oh and Loralei cried the whole time. I don't know anything that can make me feel worse than my daughter's cries. I am not good at volleyball. I never played when I was younger and honestly the most I've ever played is right now with a friend's ward. Last night was the worst I have ever been culminating with me hitting a team mate in the face with the ball. I cringe just reliving it. That's how it started. I felt it creeping up the horrible thoughts telling me I'm a dead weight, that they would be much better without me. Insidious self-loathing cycle has begun.

So I leave earlier than I normally would because sweet Rory-Roo has lost it big time. She only wants me and there's nothing to do for it. I drop by my friend's house and the cycle hits me again. She can't talk and I take it personally. Should I? No not at all. Do I? Big time. I hear that hateful little voice tell me that I'm not a good friend, why should she want talk? I drive home. All the time having these thoughts hammering inside my head like an drum line of dread. I start feeling tense with the tightness in my chest and throat. All the sneaky awful thoughts just swirling inside my head and I'm trying to get home hoping to distract myself.

I make it home and sit down at the computer and I am compelled to visit the blog of a former friend, why? Cause I hate myself right then and some punishment is in order. She seems happy; her baby is gorgeous and I hurt inside because I love her and I want to be apart of her wonderful life and I miss her. Seeing her happy makes me so happy for her but sad that I'm no longer apart of it. Here come the self-loathing telling me that she was right to cast me off. I am a terrible friend and person. Luckily by this time I am catching on and just flee to bed with my daughter where I take her every cry personally as a stamp of my ineptitude as a mother.

Boy am I a piece of work? However, I know I can't be the only one who gets into these cycles. I know why they happen. They happen to rob me of my self-worth. They seek to plunder my self-confidence and to make me forget who's daughter I am. I watched a video that is circling around facebook that features Gianna Jensen. She is an abortion survivor and she speaks about the worth of souls. She exclaims how she knows her Heavenly Father loves her and saved her for a purpose. She's now one of my heroes. She shows courage in challenging law makers to stand up for the right to life. She knows remembers that "worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

Eventually reading my scriptures and reading how the Nephites once again left the faith even though they had more signs and miracles than ever before that snapped me out of it. See, how can I hate myself when I have more proof than ever before that I am beloved of my Heavenly Father? How can I insist that I am worthless when I have been given ever more responsibility from the Lord? How can I wallow in my imperfections when I have ever more evidence that my Heavenly Father trusts me to do well? That was the ending of the insidious self-loathing cycle for me. I had to realize once again that loathing myself was basically telling Heavenly Father that He is wrong and He's never wrong. My advice though I am woefully prone to these fits of self-hatred is to remember who is counting on you. Those that love you know you much better than you know yourself sometimes. Also, intent really does matter. Trying to be good and having it blow up in your face is still much more admirable than being to afraid to do anything at all.

To end this long post, here's an update of the McGraw family. Ry is still working two jobs though this week his second job at the supplement plant decided for him to work ten hour shifts so that he got all of five hours of sleep a night broken up into three-and-a-half and two-and-a-half chunks. Poor guy! Then he got work that instead of a half day on Friday at his first job he's working all day Friday and some Saturday. Le Sigh! We sure do miss him! Loralei has become very opinionated and knows how to shake her head for no and nod for yes. In true Loralei fashion she throws her head each time. It is the most adorable thing. Life is hectic crazy busy but oh so blessed. This is truly the times that I signed up for!! Here are some pics, I hope you enjoy!

The Solution to "Perfection" Blues

2010-09-24T15:42:00.000-06:00

An Old Picture but doesn't she look happy!

I am writing a plethora of posts today to make up for my blogging negligence. I read an blog post on perfection recently that really spoke to me. That post can be found here http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html. Basically the article summed up how I have been feeling lately in my life. Since I last wrote, I have moved, lost a really good friend, and become the wife of someone who works two jobs. It's been busy to say the least. I have really felt overwhelmed to be better, to strive for that perfection that it seems like everyone else has. This article helped me put it in perspective.

I struggle with inadequacy, and that struggle makes me even more likely to fail. It's a bitter never ending cycle. There's a post on hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com that makes describes this struggle perfectly. I warn you there is some language. You can find it here. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html. I burn myself out because I make all these goals and "life altering changes" and it's so hard to change. I reach my threshold for change pretty quickly and pretty soon my house is a mess again, I leave the house without makeup, and eat nutella by the spoonful.

The perfection post made a point that I need to internalize that to be better I need to admit my problems, admit my struggles and be real. Reading the comments for his post made me realize that I'm not alone and I should be proud that I am a part of humanity, everyone makes mistakes and everyone needs something or someone else. This brings to my mind the atonement. I can't hold onto my idea of "perfection" and take part of the atonement. I cannot try to make myself perfect and fully take part in the sacrifice of the Savior. If I have picked up a bad habit since joining the LDS faith is that I have forgotten how much grace, the Savior's grace, has to make me perfect. Perfection in the eyes of society is impossible and even more impossible to obtain is in both the eyes of society and perfection in the Gospel. I need to prioritize and learn one of the most important gospel principles. It's found in my favorite book, the Book of Mormon, 2nd Nephi 2:25: Adam fell that men might be, men are that they might have joy.

There's the answer to "perfection"...joy. I resolve here and now to have more joy, spread more joy, and give more joy. I will fully take part of the atonement so that I can one day obtain the only perfection that matters. I am going to be researching this idea and trying to find ways of fostering more joy. This is a wonderful forum for a discussion on what joy is how to find. Please leave a comment on what gives you joy and helps to deal with the "impefections" in your life.

Until next time, and it won't be months and months. Bask in the joy of being alive and Autumn.

Latest Pics

2010-09-24T13:34:00.005-06:00

Here are just a few pics from the summer. I had to take a little break from blogging. Life has been super stressful and crazy. I am ready to return and I will once again dazzle the internet with my musings and stories of toddlerdom.

Chance to Win Your Own Christmas Gift!

2010-09-24T13:10:00.002-06:00

I haven't written in a long time. Life has changed so much that I don't know where to begin. I did want to mention this webpage to make Christmas crafts. I am in a craft group and I want to make something Christmas-ey. I really like the ideas at http://www.craftbits.com/christmas-crafts. There's so many to choose from and I am so excited to get started!

One Year Old

2010-05-12T09:42:00.006-06:00

One year ago today my wonderful daughter was born. I cannot even describe the love and joy she has brought into my life. I've been spending all morning reliving the miracle that was her entrance into this world. The waking up anxious knowing that this morning I was going to meet my child. The jittery anxiety that I felt getting dressed in the hospital gown and being prepped for surgery. The sheer joy I heard at that first cry and seeing her for the first time. I treasure my child. The love I have for her surpasses my understanding.

Loralei took three steps yesterday. Three steps into my arms. I am so proud of all the things she is learning and doing. This is it this is the joy I've been searching my whole life for. I love my family and I am truly grateful. Truly my cup overfloweth.

Now here are some pics.

Wow It's Been Awhile

2010-04-12T10:27:00.002-06:00

It is April 12th already! I can't believe that Loralei is 11 months. Here is a run down of the things she can do now

She can stand, but only when no one is looking or cheering or generally paying attention to her in any way. She "accidentally" stands and the look on her face is priceless.
She waves all the time everywhere. She loves going thru WalMart just waving.
She gives high fives! Well holds up her hands to let you give her a high five.
She knows ALL of Pattey-Cake and loves to "toss it in the oven," tho my personal favorite is when she "rolls it and rolls it."
She can say "Bomp Pa" for grandpa, MumMum for me, Dad-Dat for her daddy, "Whaz-dat or Whoz -dat" for what's or who's that, and "NA NA NA" for ninny or breastfeeding, and many more I can't seem to remember right now.

She's such a blessing to have around. She is in to everything and pulls everything out every chance she gets tho I wouldn't have it any other way. She's learning so much.

About non-Rory related news. Ryan and I had our tow year anniversary. It is wonderful being married to the person Heavenly Father deemed just for you. :) We went to St. George and we have a few pics that I will upload later. Sorry this will be a picture-less post. :(

Easter was wonderful. Also, I have lost down to pre wedding weight. Woohoo for me! My life has been so completely blessed and I'm so grateful that I have been blessed with all I have. I can't end this post without talking about the awesomeness that was General Conference. We are so blessed as a church to hear from our prophet twice a year and this session was so meaningful to me. I loved Sister Beck's talk and admire her courage. I believe that the messages were so beautiful and encouraging. I'm glad that I am a mother in Zion truly.

Until next time, please take care!

Photos and Updates

2010-02-22T16:50:00.005-07:00

Here are some pics that I promised. We are hanging in here waiting for our St. George trip to come around. It's going to be a blast! Loralei is 9 months old and she is crawling and trying really hard to walk. She's growing up way too fast.

I am still on my weight loss program tho I've hit a plateau and have been around the 20 lb mark for two months now. I'm recommitting myself to losing 35lbs. before summer.

We can't wait for Spring and are having so so much fun being parents and living life.

Crawling! And what I'm looking at...

2010-02-11T10:11:00.003-07:00

Rory Roo is crawling! She pretty much started two days ago and now no room or low shelf is safe from...The Ravager! LOL She is so funny she followed me to the shower yesterday and was knocking on the door. Part of me is so excited that Loralei is crawling where as the other part of me is so sad that I've lost my immobile baby. They truly grow up so fast.

So most now I work at home on the internet 4 hours a day. I love my job and I am truly blessed to have it. It does how ever give me the opportunity to be online more than maybe someone else. I have have found some truly hilarious site. I suggest you check out the Sleep Talkin' Man. Warning this site has some language but as a fellow sleep talker his nite time ramblings crack me up. I also like mentalfloss.com. It's a site for knowledge junkie and has all sorts of articles that I love to read everyday. Also, if you don't already be sure to check out fark.com. It's a site for all the news and "notnews" of the day with a sarcastic slant.

No pics this time. Will upload some soon.

And now we have video!!

2010-01-22T16:55:00.004-07:00

Ok so this is Rory. I know this is strange but I was trying to get her to yell. She does a little and it's adorable. I will get better on the camera work! I promise!

20 Pounds Down!!

2010-01-18T09:47:00.003-07:00

Wooohooo! I have officially lost 20 pounds! My diet is going well, I have to thank breastfeeding and my Wii Fit for providing me with the means to work off more calories.

Loralei and I are recovering from a cold. I can't stand being sick. This cold was a doozy. I wonder why I get so sick when I'm exposed to less germs being at home. It's really true kids are grubby little germ carriers. I read recently that scientists now believe that your appendix is used for a warehouse of sorts for your immune system. Maybe that's my problem! My immune system has no back up storage!

We went to the car show on Saturday to celebrate Ry's birthday. That boy better love me! 4.5 hours of looking at cars with a cold. We found some cars that we really like tho. We really like the Chevy Traverse. It's really roomy and the seats fold down like a breeze. The next our list is the Ford Explorer but their seats are really tough to get down and behind. There's like 3 steps and I don't think any child would bother with all three steps. The Chevy Traverse is also a good bit cheaper and really nice inside. I would love for that to be my next car.

Here are some pictures that I haven't posted.

Christmas, Rory's first Winter

2010-01-11T15:28:00.012-07:00

I'm sorry for the blogging delay. I have been diligently blogging on my weight loss blog and things have been so crazy busy and add a penchant for laziness and you have my lack contributing. We took Christmas pictures of Loralei. I hand-made that tutu. It was pretty easy, I did make it afterall and we had such a good time getting Rory to mug for the camera. Here are some pics of all of us around the holidays. The last pic is of me and Rory walking around the neighborhood. It's about 30 degrees Fahrenheit on average everyday. So I will rig her up in her sling and put my coat on over her. We walk all around the neighborhood and it makes me so happy to get out and get some sunshine. Life is wonderful Our new year's resolutions are still going strong. And I have lost over 16.5 pounds since starting my diet.

For Christmas we got a Wii Fit and we have so much fun with it. I can tell I am getting fitter. Ryan got me a gorgeous necklace and out first date movie "The Princess Bride" and Wii Music. I got him a model car, two model rockets, a tools to put those together. Rory got the best haul. We bought her several toys and about 18 books, we found them on sale. The inlaws got us sleeping bags.

Ry's birthday is coming up. I already have gotten him his gifts. I can reveal it here. I found the best deal on a golf club set for lefties. I am trying really hard to surprise him, it's been really difficult so far. He's taken me to Big 5 to look at golf club sets and talked on and on about it. I've been forced to tell him I have bought his gift and to not look too hard for it in our apartment. It's really hidden at his parents! Teehee! We're gonna go to the car show this weekend and next weekend he'll get them at his family Bday celebration. I'm such a good wifey. Enjoy the pics!

HUGE Announcements

2009-11-15T12:53:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow I start a hardcore diet. I joined Weight Watchers again. Last time I did Weight Watchers I lost 30 pounds in time to meet the love of my life and get married. Now a year and a half and one bouncing baby girl later I am back to where I started adding about 15 pounds. I want to get in shape for our next trip down pregnancy lane and well as develop the healthy habits to share with Rory. I want her to have a healthy mom who has a healthy relationship with food. That starts tomorrow. I have 32 points daily and 35 weekly splurge points. Check out my progress at crusinforlosin.blogspot.com.

Second HUGE announcement is that Ry found a permanent job! Ok, so it's temporary for 90 days but after that it could be permanent. It's at an American Fork company called Twin Labs and he does maintenance on their capsule making machines and pretty much around the whole facility. They have him working some crazy hours right now. He works 6 PM to 6AM seven days a week. We miss him terribly at home, but we know that this is only temporary and feel such gratitude for such a steady job in this economy. I am so grateful for my hardworking hubby and love him so so much!

Rory is growing faster every day. She is now 6 months old and can sit up by herself. She is now the proud owner of two teeth. She weighs 18.6 and is 28 inches tall. She laughs all the time now and is such a great joy to her father and I.

Finally I want to share my gratitude for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We had stake conference last weekend and the adult session focused heavily on family history. The church has released a new familysearch website to help people like me who do not have much to go on. I can't wait until I can start exploring this resource and aid in "gathering my family safely in."

Blessings, Blessings, and More Blessings!

2009-11-04T08:07:00.004-07:00

I haven't written in a while, I don't really have a great excuse. I have been busy tho. So here's the news.

I got a stay-at-home job! Lindsey, my sister-in-law, told me that her company BidSync was hiring. I put in an application and went into the interview. I honestly didn't know if this was Heavenly Father's will or not so I just prated that His will be done no matter what and that I could just present myself in the best light possible. Well, this must be Heavenly Father's will because I got the job the very next day. It's part time, online and I make pretty decent money. This position affords my family a little breathing room in case Ryan ever loses his job again. The work is great and I love what I'm doing. Rory isn't a fan of having to entertain herself for 4-5 hours a day but she's adjusting.

I have also gotten in touch with my foster family once more. The Grotelueshen's were such an important part of my life and now we are in almost daily contact once more. I'm especially glad that I am able to talk to Jennifer, my older foster sister. We were so close when we lived together and I always regretted losing contact and I've missed her.

Halloween was awesome!! Loralei was an Auburn Tiger! I put some pictures in from our "Halloween Photoshoot." She didn't quite no what it was about and fell asleep halfway through but she was adorable. Next year we're gonna carve pumpkins and really do it up!

We' been reading the Book of Mormon every nite to fulfill our Bishop's challenge to us to read it before the end of the year. It has really changed the Spirit in our home and I'm so grateful for it's influence in our lives. We have been so amazingly blessed and we've also been able to weather the heartaches of life much more because of it's teachings. It brings me so much close to my Savior to read about a people that looked forward to His coming to hundreds of years and preached of His awesome redeeming power long before He was born on this Earth. I love the Book of Mormon and I'm honored to know of it's truth and greatness.

I will try to be better about writing more often. Oh! If you get a chance you need to to read the Hunger Games Series by Suzanne Collins Such good books! The third does not come out until 2010 so I am warning you now there is a HUGE cliffhanger. As always I would love any and all comments!

Musings of a Stay At Home Mom

2009-09-18T15:12:00.003-06:00

These past few weeks have been what being a stay-at-home mom is all about. Loralei can roll over from front to back and now back to front. It's the end of my little non mobile caterpillar. Now I have to keep an eye on her whenever I put her down. Also, she knows that soon she will be able to do more so she gets pretty frustrated just rolling around. She makes me laugh. Here's a picture of frustrates for Rory.

I have been back at reading again. I love to read and I have read some pretty good books recently. I read The Android's Dream by John Scalzi. This isn't my normal fare but that may change. It was a engrossing read set in the future with diplomatic and interplanetary intrigue. I loved the characters who were both humble, witty, and innovative. I would suggest this book to people who want a break from romance for awhile! Also I read The Magician's and Mrs. Quent which was like a fantasy novel mingled with Jane Austen. I really liked the characters and I am looking forward to the rest of the series.

I've been looking for a creative hobby, something that is cheap for me to do and would be both rewarding and engrossing. I'm thinking maybe doing Origami. I think it would be pretty and hey its paper and a book right? Maybe I'll start with the paper and then check out a book from the library. American Fork Library rocks!

Rory Roo is ready to get up from her nap so I must go fetch her.

Summertime Fun

2009-09-01T15:14:00.006-06:00

I have been so busy enjoying the summer that I have forgotten to write more often. I have been hiking, swimming, and camping. It's been a wonderful summer! I'm so blessed I've never been on more trips or did more things and here I thought that I would miss out because I'm a mom now. Here are some of the pictures that cronicle our super busy summer.

Carnival with Rory and Ryan

Hiking with Abby, Xander, and Rory

Feeding Rory while we are camping

The summer isn't even over yet! I have loved every minute of being a mom. Loralei is now able to roll over and is almost able to sit up by herself. She laughed out loud for the first time for me today. Man I love that kid!

Other than the baby, Ry is back at his job with Burningham Trucking. It's awesome. We are in Jacob now with the Book of Mormon challenge! We're gonna finish by the end of this year! It has helped our family so much. Ry wants to build a model train layout for all his childhood model trains. I'm trying to get Brad and him to let me make zombies or Harry Potter layout but they aren't having any of it. I have also read a pretty good book, it's called the Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe. It was a mix between historical fiction about the Salem Witch Trials and fictional research based on the trials. I liked it. I also reread the Twilight Saga and I really like those books even more than before but I will never watch the movies! I have heard how much they change and I am just not interested.

The Travels and Doings of Rory Roo

2009-08-06T10:27:00.004-06:00

I am averaging about once a month which isn't good! Let me start off by saying how truly grateful I am to have this time with my daughter and how good Heavenly Father truly is to me. Rory is growing so big and is advancing everyday. Today, she rolled over for the first time!

We went to Alabama two weeks ago. It was so nice to see my family and to introduce my little girl. It was a great trip and it left us with a lot to mull over. Rory didn't seem like she liked the humidity much but that takes getting used to.

Since we've been back Rory has started "talking" more and smiling all the time. Her smile is like the sun in my sky. It makes me so happy to see her happy.

Ry is working a temporary job that keeps him working 10-12 hour days. It's only a couple blocks away so he's able to come home for lunch some times. I love that he is so devoted to supporting our family.

Being a stay at home mom is hard on the finances but completely worth it. Nothing I have ever done means more than what I am doing right now. Here are some pics from the last month.

Update

2009-07-01T10:11:00.004-06:00

It's been a few weeks since I last posted. Life has been so blissfully busy that I couldn't tear myself away. Rory is doing fantastic. We went to California when she was three weeks old, it was a big surprise trip for us. We didn't decide to go until 9PM the night before. It was a madhouse trying to pack everything for Loralei and ourselves and thankfully we did a good job. Cali was phenominal, I am so truly blessed to have a great family of in-laws who love Rory so good and let us mooch on their fabulous trip. I can now say I have been on the beach on both coast of the country as well as the Gulf of Mexico. It was fantastic I went to Disney Land and rode two rides, hey it was an accomplishment for a 3 weeks out from a c section and nursing Rory every three hours! My favorite part of the trip was the beach it was so beautiful. Here's a picture.

Life after the trip has been so great! Rory has topped ten pounds and learning to gurgle and coo. She is just the love of my life :). I made a slide show of Life after Baby and I'll keep adding to it as we go along. This Sunday is Rory's baby blessing and we went along with Abby and baby Xander to have a blessing outfit photoshoot. I'm so excited to see the pics and they will be posted soon!

2009-07-01T09:55:00.001-06:00

Birth Story

2009-05-22T09:50:00.005-06:00

I had my daughter Loralei Grace by c section on May 12th, 2009 at 8:27 AM. It was the most amazing experience of my life and I want to write all my memories down know while they are still fresh.

The morning was gorgeous as we drove to the hospital. It was surreal to be driving to have baby when I wasn't having any pain or contractions. It did not feel real. Of course I did not hardly sleep at all the nite before and I was so nervous and thirsty. That was the worst part of the whole of the before surgery, the anxiety and the thirst. As soon as Ry and I arrived, they whisked us to a room so they can start monitoring me and hook me up to an IV. I was so scared and Ry was definitely wired. Here's a picture of me before the surgery. Looking at it now I can't believe how swollen I was.

Ry was so excited. They reeled me into surgery and started my spinal. The spinal was no sweat at all. They local anesthetic didn't even really hurt. However the spinal worked so well that my blood pressure crashed and I started feeling really nauseous and dizzy. The nurse anesthetist had to add some epinephrin to get my blood pressure back up. That was the scariest part of the whole thing but it didn't last long and soon I felt 100% better.

Ry was allowed back in the OR and they started almost right away. I was so numb that I didn't know until someone told me. It was the oddest sensation because I kept feeling the waves of movement right under my chest. They took out 2700 cc's of fluid which is over 90 ounces!! I knew I sloshed but I didn't know there was that much. Then they delivered Loralei. She started crying immediately and I burst into tears. As they were lifting her out Dr Smith said "Jessica, I hope you know that this was the only way this baby was getting out, she didn't even know where the birth canal was." Loralei measured in at 9 pounds and 6 ounces! I can't believe all of what I had inside me! Here is a pic of Loralei when she was freshly evicted.

Big big baby. They took her and Ryan down to the nursery and I was left to get stitched up. The c section was a breeze and honestly not the huge worry that I let it become. The days after were much harder than the surgery itself. All in all tho, my pain has been minimal and I definitely wouldn't fret if all my kids had to be born this way. I will write more on the hospital and the days after in a few days. Feel free to comment!

Pregnancy Pics

2009-05-11T14:20:00.008-06:00

I have taken some of my last pregnancy pics this weekend. I'm sure Ry and I will photo document the whole day of the birth but these are the last pics of me out and about (most likely anyway.) Feel free to comment!!

Now that we know that Loralei is coming on Wednesday, I've been thinking about everything that I am going to miss about being pregnant. The realization struck sometime last weekend that I have no idea how to maneuver without my huge stomach. I am actually going to miss it. It has served as my TV tray, attention getter, and my personal favorite free drink getter from 7-11. I will miss my huge stomach because I have had it so long that I don't remember life without it.

I'm so excited for Wednesday! I can't wait for Loralei to get here and for me to be able to see her. Any advice is very welcome!!

C-Section and Other Pregnancy Developments

2009-05-08T11:05:00.002-06:00

Wednesday I had my 38 week appointment. I had been looking forward to this appoint since 35 weeks because this was the day that we would discuss induction or basically what our plan will be with the she-hulk child. It did not start out well, we invited Brie to come see my baby on TV this time and when we all arrived at the doctor's office we found out that the ultrasound tech had called in sick and there was no ultrasound. I almost started crying, with all the pregnancy hormones combined with the fact that I hadn't slept well all week. Ry and I went up to our appointment with Dr. Smith just crestfallen.

After a short wait, we were able to see Dr. Smith and I tentatively asked about being induced. We told her about Ry's grandma being in town and how we would love her to be present. Then Dr. Smith laid a bombshell. She told us how since I have literally been measuring full term for five weeks that she would have expected to see more progress than I've been showing and that frankly she thought that I was headed for a C section. Honestly, I have been mentally preparing myself for this for a long time so while it was a shock and dissappointment it was half expected. Dr. Smith was very calm and forthcoming and told use our options of induction or c section and gave us the night to think it over. She asked us to get the ultrasound done at the hospital at 10 pm that night and she would call me on Thursday to talk about what we decided.

We left for home and decided to go shopping since we didn't know when she would decide it was time for Loralei to come. We had a fun time spending all the money that the super generous ladies from my work's CA office gave us. We rested and headed for the ultrasound appointment. Looking at the baby again was just magical. For once, she wasn't being a diva and let us see her face. She is so adorable and looks like one of those fat cherubs. She was even waving her hands, she looks like she had inherited my "fat kindergartener's" hands. It was magical. When it was time to reveal the weight she came in estimated at 9 lbs 2 ounces, plus or minus 22 grams which is just over a pound. I asked the tech about it and he said "That's one big baby...I would go with plus." Hee hee, Ry and I know how to make and grow big babies evidently. That cemented Ry and my decision to follow the doctor's advice of a c section. I have read about how bigger babies have a harder time through the birth canal and since my pelvis is all funnel shaped we just thought that it would be better to follow the doctor's advice and hope for a more normal sized baby next pregnancy.

So C-section it is! It is scheduled for Wednesday the 13th, with the possibility of it being moved up to the 12th. I'm doing my research and being as optimistic as possible. Today is my last day at work which is very bittersweet. It's been tough to work as big as I am, but I really thrive off being needed and work fulfils that for me. I will miss everyone I work with and know I'll have work withdrawals.

I am so excited to have my daughter's birthdate set out and I'm so grateful that she and I are healthy. I have truly been blessed. I am spending this weekend taking my last pregnancy photos and will hopefully upload soon!

Please Oh Please Oh Please!?!

2009-05-06T09:47:00.002-06:00

Today is my 38 week appointment and I get to have another ultrasound. I am so very excited to see my baby on TV again, but I am even MORE excited to see her in real life. I am desperately hoping that my doctor will talk to me about inducing Loralei today. I don't necessarily want to be induced today but tomorrow would be great or any other date pretty close to now. I am so ready to not be pregnant anymore and to start the mama phase. I think I really might cry if she doesn't talk to me about it. And the tears are really close to the surface as I've already cried once this morning and almost teared up last nite at dinner. Dumb hormones and lack of sleep. I was awake from 3:00 AM this morning until pretty much when my alarm went off at 5:15 AM. Sleep deprivation is LOVELY :P Just being prepared for Loralei's arrival.

On other news, my husband's grandmother is coming in from Washington today. Ry is SO SO excited. That's another reason why he wants the baby here so badly. Ry's sister Jessica (yep i know :P) is graduating from the University of Utah this week and we're so proud of her! I hope to cement this momentous occasion with my daughter's birth, who now, just fyi, has the hiccups.

Full Term!!

2009-04-28T07:31:00.002-06:00

Woot Woot!! I'm finally full term so there is no worries if this little girl decides to make her entrance anytime. I am so ready for her. I am really really tired of being pregnant, well not pregnant persay but tired of being so so big. I'm sorry I don't have very many pictures. I don't have a scanner for pics that are printed out. Maybe Ry and I need to have some sort of photo shoot before Loralei gets here.

My really good friend Abby had her little boy last week. It was a scary emergency situation, but she has truly been blessed by Heavenly Father. Xander was born weighing 3 pounds and 7 ounces and just the cutest little baby ever! The miracle is that even 7 weeks early he is breathing and maintaining his body temperature! We went to see them on Saturday and he is just so adorable. He got Abby's finger toes and definately has looks like a mini CJ! Mom is doing well and was able to go home yesterday. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father blessed my friends.

I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow. I think it will be a quick one again because even if I made TONS of progress I'm not having any contractions. Here is my personal prediction. I think that next week on my next doctor's appointment when I have another ultrasound that my doctor will then start talking about induction or possible c section. What I want to happen, I want to either go into labor before then, or be induced soon after May 6th. I don't want Loralei to get so big that she can't fit through my pelvis or I need to have a c section. But of course my top priority is to get her here as safe as possible.

For me, this pregnancy is starting to really wear on me. I think it's because I got full term big so quickly and my body is really not having fun anymore. I've been full term size for about 5 weeks now and considering I'm doing well. The new symptoms that I have are just an overwhelming fatigue and soreness everywhere. Oh well, Loralei is so worth it.

Pregancy Updates

2009-04-18T13:12:00.002-06:00

I had an ultrasound yesterday, April 17th to determine why I am so big. Luckily, my mom wasn't right. I am only having one baby!! Yay for a single birth! It turns out that I measure big because Loralei is 8 pounds plus or minus 1 pound AND I happen to produce more fluid that usual. So put those together and you get me, a really really big pregnant girl. It was so wonderful to be able to see Loralei again before she gets here. She is still perfect. You could see her fat legs which look like little cabbage patch legs and she already has a buddah belly! I was so happy to see her healthy. She wouldn't let us see her face, but we did get her measurements and she's measuring all 38 to 39 weeks.

The doctor told me that we are just going to hold out for a little while and get another ultrasound in 3 weeks if I'm still pregnant. She checked me and I wasn't dilated at all but I was already 75% effaced and the cervix was really soft. My doctor made it sound like I could go in labor at any time and everything would be ok. I just so glad that Loralei looks healthy and I don't really care when she comes as long she is healthy. The only "bad" news was that I am at a higher chance of having a c-section because my abundance of fluid allows Loralei to swim around and doesn't force her to engage in my pelvis, but the doctor said that there isn't really anything to fret over right now.

I am just so relieved that everything is still looking really normal. I was a little sad that she is measuring so big, but honestly all I really care about is that she is healthy and comes at the best time for her.

Baby Shower and Week 33

2009-04-03T17:58:00.006-06:00

I has such a great baby shower!! Kath and Brie did and amazing job and I was literally showered with baby gifts! I have included pics below.

As you can see my hair is pretty dark. I really really like it. It's lightening up some more as we go along and there seems to be abit more red. Also you can see the baby belly, it is growing bigger pretty much by the day. I was thinking the other day that my normal is clothes is going to feel huge without the beachball of my preggo belly since I wear a lot of them still.

I got news from my doctor that my fundal height (or the size of my uterus) is about 3.5 weeks bigger than they would expect. This means that either I produce too much fluid or little Loralei isn't going to be a tiny baby. I am guessing on the later with the way that I can feel her hanging out as far as my belly will let her. It's an amazing feeling to feel her with just maybe an inch of skin between me and her. Sometimes tho, I swear she is trying to make her exit thru my belly button. Silly baby.

Everything is going well. We had a little financial scare this week with Ry getting laid off this Monday. But he found another job within 4 days and that is truly a miracle in this economy. He is working hard to paint the nursery. I will post pics when its done. Also, I have been sick. Its a really bad cough/cold. I just woke up coughing and it has not been fun. I'm sore all over from coughing.

To end on a lighter note, this weekend in General Conference! I'm so excited that we get to hear from a living prophet and the general authorities. I need this conference and I feel so blessed to be able to see it.

Change in Hair Color and the End of our Prenatal Class

2009-03-26T07:27:00.004-06:00

Saturday was a monumental day for me. I officially left the ranks of blonds everywhere and became a brunette. I really wanted something different that required a lot less upkeep and would allow me to look different and look good with a new baby around. I tried this before...and it didn't work I was way too chicken to actually pick out a color dark enough to cover up my blond. It's much harder to cover up blond than I thought. So I sent Brie on a mission to pick out the hair color she thought would look good. She picked out this one. It's Feria's warm Brazilian brown.

I love it!! The first day or so it was a little dark but the red highlights have really come out and I can say I am a bit of a redhead. Not a ginger per say but I really like. The reactions that I have gotten have been mixed, but Ry loves it and comments on it constantly. I will upload pictures from my baby shower this weekend.

This week we also completed our prenatal class. I am so glad that we went. I feel so much better about the whole birthing process and the scary first few weeks. Our last class was a breastfeeding class and I have to say that it was SO funny to see the fathers (soon-to-be) so uncomfortable about all the breasts that was involved. When I talked to Ry about it he said the worst part was the instructor using her own chest as demonstration. LOL!! Thankfully there was no instructor "live" nudity. I will say that the most disturbing part of the whole process for is seeing the milk actually make an exit. I know it will soon be my reality and hopefully at that time I will think its super cool...but right now it gives me the heeby-jeebies!

On Saturday I have my awesome baby shower thrown by Kath and Brie. I am so grateful such amazing people in my life and all the hard work they are putting into it!! I love ya'll!! I will hopefully take tons of pictures and once again post pictures of the amazing awesomeness that is my stomach. My goal before the end of the pregnancy is maybe to get some video of the amazing movements of my child. It is so awesome to see her moving around, sometimes painful but always amazing!

31 Weeks and the Funnier Side of Being Pregnant

2009-03-20T06:48:00.002-06:00

I am closing the 31st week of my pregnancy. I have to be honest other than the random pain that I have all the time, I am enjoying it a lot more. I feel Loralei kick and move and somersault all hours of the day and she really makes me laugh. I also have to laugh at the stares that I get. Now I live in Utah where everyone and their cat is pregnant yet people feel like they have to slow down their cars to stare at me when I'm walking to church! Some call me too sensitive, but I wasn't the one that pointed it out; my husband Ryan did! There are perks tho, people actually stop at the crosswalk when I'm crossing the street ;) and sometimes they hold open doors.

67 Days and Counting

2009-03-12T06:32:00.002-06:00

AHHHH the gloriousness of my baby bump. This is me in Saint George getting ready to go out to the pool. I love my swimsuit! Ry picked it out. As you can see, my baby is growing strong and healthy. Just 64 days left!! Woot! I'm so ready to meet her. This has been by far the strangest, most all encompassing journey that I've ever been on. I love the child growing inside me. I love the love that has grown between me and my husband. I love life right now.

Tribute to a Wonderful Guy

2009-03-04T12:38:00.005-07:00

This Saturday is my and Ryan's first anniversary and in celebration I wanted to leave a tribute to the most wonderful man I've ever met. I love my husband. He is so gorgeous and funny. I can't believe that he chose me and probably more amazing is that he continues to choose me after this year. Here are some of the things that I love about my husband.

He is always able to laugh.
He is ticklish.
He still looks at me (7 1/2 month pregnant) like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
He is the only person who can get me to laugh no matter how angry or sad that I am.
He's got my back no matter what.
He is always dreaming about the future.
He loves to lay his head on my tummy before bed to spend time with the baby and to feel her kick.
He is the best listener (when the TV is off)
He hates sports, so practically no boring TV ever
He loves to spend time with just me and him.

There are so many more reasons why I love the kid but these are the top ten. I love him so much and I'm so grateful everyday that he chose to ask me on a walk on a July evening in 2007. I am so truly amazed at how blessed I am to have him. And the best decision I have ever made was to seal myself to him. I love you Babe!!

Ups and Downs of Life

2009-02-24T17:07:00.002-07:00

This past weekend was full of ups and downs. I struggle with one thing and that is that I always want to know the end from the beginning. I want to know how things work out before I even try them. I know that my past and childhood has made me so desire security that I am paralyzed to take risks. What this typically means is that I really get bent out of shape when things don't work out to plan and sometimes I get bitter. Saturday was one of those days. We went maternity swim suit shopping which may be fun to so cutely preggo gals. But for me it was so sad cause for the first time I got to see my stomach in a full length mirror. Being pregnant doesn't bother me, what it is doing to my skin is what bothers me. I look like I have a map of Rome on my stomach. Now the unfailing optimist in me wants to say that Heavenly Father loves me SO much that he wanted to give me another reason to always be modest. :P But it really made me sad. I don't know I just don't feel attractive anymore...and it's pretty permanent.

The other thing that came up was that some money that I was really counting on to get our savings and baby fund started fell through so we have little opportunity to put anything away for a rainy day before Loralei arrives. That paired with Ry not working full weeks has started to really put a strain on me. So on Saturday when I found out about our lack of funds I got really bitter and upset. I just couldn't understand why this one thing couldn't work out for us when it has worked out for so many people that I know. This carried on through Sunday, when miracles of miracles it seemed like all the hymns were picked out especially for me. In Relief Society we sang "Lead Thou Me On" (?) and it really reminded me that I need to be able to trust like a child in the dark that I will be led to all paths that are good for me and my family.

My worries haven't all gone away. In fact, I am still struggling a bit, but I am able to say without a shadow of a doubt that though my path may seem difficult and my burden heavy I have the love and guidance of a wonderful Heavenly Father who just loves me too good to let me be alone when I'm in need.

Life as a Duplex

2009-02-19T06:43:00.002-07:00

This week had been full of growing bigger. At my last doctor's appointment, my doctor looked at me and smiled and said " You know at this point you feel like there's no way that you get bigger, but you will...you will." That is not the most comforting thing let me tell you. This week I have started to feel the soreness of getting bigger. Nothing really hurts more than my tummy. Rolling over is such an ordeal now. Ry laughs at my "free willy" flop that I have to do to get over. Being pregnant is so fun ;)

I got to hear from my foster parent's this week. To give a little background, when my mother lost custody of me when I was about 6 and a half, they couldn't find any relatives that would take me so I was placed in a foster home with the Grotelueschen's. That period in my childhood was one of my happiest. Unfortunately we lost touch several time as I grew up. Yesterday, I received an email from my foster Dad asking how I was. I got to tell them that I was going to have a baby and that I was doing well. I'm always happy to give them good news, because for how my life started out, it's amazing that it's going as well as it is. I am so very blessed to have the love of another family far away in Alaska.

I have been reminded that I need to get pregnancy pics posted. Now I haven't because I'm embarrassed. Tho, I am a little awed at the awesomeness of my tummy; the reason has been pure laziness. My job wipes me out and the last thing I feel like doing is posing for pics after work. I promise to have some up soon, at least before I have this baby.

So in comes the stress

2009-02-12T06:59:00.003-07:00

These past few days I have been hit with enormity of it all. I have been stressing non stop about how I am going to actually BE a mom and have all that that entails. Those who know me knows that I'm a worrier. Call it genetics are environmental, but I've always been one who looks for the rainy day. So I thought that if I listed my worries that it might help me to bring this unrelenting stress at least down to a point.
1. I'm stressed about $$, I want to be a stay at home mom, but we are not financially solvent on one paycheck. I want to believe that if we just have the faith that we can cut our income by more than half and live with me staying home with Loralei, but I'm really scared. I'm scared because it's going to hard and maybe impossible.
2. I'm stressed about working part time, I don't know if my current company will keep me part time, and if they do will I still be able to be a good mom. I never wanted to be a working mom, but what can you do?
3. I'm worried about just being a mom. I know that during pregnancy is not the best time to evaluate yourself as a person, but I'm kinda lacking in the patience area and I really worry that I won't be a good mom or that I will screw my kid up horribly.
4. I'm really worried about the sheer work of having a baby. The idea of going without sleep and being completely centered on someone else is so scary.
5. Don't get me started on the birth and breastfeeding.

I know that I shouldn't worry, I love babies and I already love Loralei with all my heart. I am so blessed to have this experience and I need to have faith because faith and fear cannot exist in the same person at the same time.

Best Dream EVER!!

2009-02-03T07:27:00.002-07:00

Since, I seem to post more than I write in my journal...yes I'm that pathetic ;)... I wanted to share a wonderful dream I had this morning. I had a dream that Loralei was here and I was holding and I got to smell her and she was nekkid except for a diaper and I was rubbing her back and she little freckles right in between her shoulder blades and the little newborn fuzz that all babies have. And she smelled SO good!! It made me want to have her right now so I can hold her! It was really such a good dream and I was so upset when my alarm went off and woke me up, but bonus snuggle time with Sexy husband!!

I am truly so blessed to have this experience. I let dumb little things scare me about having Loralei like the fear of sleep deprivation and breastfeeding but I should know that this is just right and what is planned for me. I'm so excited to be a mother and I can't wait to meet my little girl.

First Dream about Child Birth...If Only..

2009-01-27T06:42:00.002-07:00

Last night I had my first dream about actually birthing Loralei. It was fantastic, and if my actual birth was like this, yeah I think I could handle it. However I know its my subconscious way to try to shield me from the birthing experience. In my dream, I was in bed asleep with my husband and I felt like I was dilating (no pain) and that I was going to give birth. So Ryan my husband who's asleep beside me says just go with it. So I start pushing and soon the head is out and so is the rest of the baby. She's a little small cause get this, she's only 6 months and a day in the womb, but that doesn't really effect her. And I call my Mom (from AL) and have her take care of the umbilical cord. Then I start nursing Loralei and everything is ok. Then the HUGE worry that I have (not that i just gave birth at 6 months or at home in my bed) is that I had my baby too early and I'm going to have to tell work. And I spend the rest of the dream trying to call work to tell them that I've had my baby and will need to start my maternity leave immediately.

Wow, what a dream. Tho, I have to be honest, if the the birth happens as painlessly in my dream I would not complain. :)

January 2009

2009-01-21T06:51:00.002-07:00

Drum roll please!! Ryan and I are going to have a little girl!! We've decided on a name (99% sure) of Loralei Grace. It was amazing to see her at the ultrasound. It was Ry's first time to see or hear her heartbeat so it was really special to watch him with his just expression of wonder. I told him "See I have been working hard!" She look really healthy, we have a profile picture where she's doing a perfect mountain pose (yoga) and there's a really great one the doctor has of her lips and you can see her little nose too. It was simply magical. I was worried that Ry would be sad that it was a girl but he was so happy that she was healthy and real..I guess.

This month is Ry's birthday, on Friday we and a big group of friends and family are going out to the BrickOven pizzeria in Provo to celebrate. Ry picked out his presents and I picked out a super secret surprise present. He never reads this so I can say that's it's a new wedding ring so that he can always be reminded of the family he has at home. And I was able to get the exact same one. I hope he hangs onto this one a bit longer than the last one.

I'm really enjoying being pregnant right now, its amazing to feel Rory rolling around in there and she cracks me up. Ry is a little like Darla (Finding Nemo) with the shaking and the "Wake up Baby" but I think she'll still like him when she's born ;) He'll be the really fun one :P I feel so much better than I did in the 1st trimester and I could see me doing this 3 more times now. That's a definite plus. I'm six month next week so time is passing quickly.

I can't wait for winter to end! Lucky us we get a little break on the first weekend in March where Ryan and I are going to have a little anniversary trip. Our first anniversary and I'll be 7 months pregnant. Hee hee. I love him more than ever!

It's been awhile...things on my mind

2008-12-30T06:31:00.002-07:00

I am officially halfway through this awesome, strange, wonderful journey of being pregnant. I need to post pictures. I have definitely started to show and we find out about the gender of the baby on Jan 8th (Next Thursday). I'm so excited.

Since my halfway mark almost syncs up with the new year, I've been thinking about how to make the second half of my pregnancy better than the first half. One of the major things is for me to laugh more, so here's something that really made me laugh.

Count your blessings
• The penis of a rhinoceros is 2 feet long.
• The penis of a mosquito is a hundredth of an inch long.
• The praying mantis bites her mate's head off while he impregnates her.
• Elephants are pregnant for two years.
• Many animals give birth to a dozen or more babies at a time.
• Your baby won't be born with hooves.
~Babycenter.com

I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive and understanding of me during this wild strange ride. This is truly the most awesome thing I have ever done in my life. Only 20 more weeks to go!!

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-26T12:01:00.002-07:00

Hi One and All!

Happy Thanksgiving! I love the holiday season because it gives us time to be grateful for all that we have. I am so grateful for so many things. I'm grateful for the life growing and developing inside me. I'm grateful for my wonderful husband who loves and supports me through this turbulent time in my life. I'm really really grateful for my body which is doing these amazing things without any conscious help from me.

I can't be thankful enough for my friends and my family. They help me to be better and always save my butt when I bite off too much. I am so grateful.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and a joyful holiday season.

196 and Counting!

2008-11-03T12:23:00.003-07:00

So a pretty monumental milestone for me, I have less than 200 days of pregnancy remaining. I am technically 12 weeks pregnant today and I'm so excited cause this seems to be a semi-permanent thing, for nine months at least. I am really excited and have been dreaming a ton about Baby. I always dream about a girl but Ry insists on the child being a son. We'll see in about 2 months. Actually I am really up in the air about finding out. I think I'm going to put it to a vote. There's pros and cons either way. Honestly the nursery is gonna be green no matter what. I have found the cutest crib things at Target and I'm thinking it will be a white crib. I want to find out, so I can prepare but then again that surprise is something that would be great as well...

I am doing better, I have been really sick and tired but as the pregnancy progresses I am feeling better. I am waiting for that fabled second trimester that is supposed to be much more fun! I am learning to appreciate my body in ways I never have before and I'm really blessed to have this opportunity.

Until next time, pretty soon there will be belly pics :P

Big News!!

2008-10-21T14:28:00.002-06:00

To all those who have wondered about my blog drought, I have good news! It's over! I didn't want to blog and not tell my news which is that I'm pregnant! I am gonna have a baby, me of all people! I am 10 weeks and 1 day pregnant and I have known 5 weeks. And you know me, I couldn't keep it a secret. I wanted to wait until it was a little bit more sure. Ry and I are so excited tho! Just FYI, I will try to post some pics later!

What Would I Do If I Knew I Couldn't Fail

2008-09-17T07:03:00.004-06:00

My wonderful friend Abby wrote this and I thought that I would add the things that I would do if I could not fail.

1. I would be a wonderful mom who nurtures and loves her children and leads them along the path of righteousness
2. I would spread the gospel among my family and friends, and let them know the joy and peace I feel.
3. I would become an author who makes the world a better place because of her books.
4. I would go earn multiple degrees in everything that interests me.
5. I would design my own home and build it from the plans and make it mine; with turrets, secret rooms, and slides
6. I would build a beautiful garden to bring joy and beauty to my home.
7. I would become physically fit and finally look like the person that I feel like on the inside.
8. I would become a master macguyver chef who can make great food out of common ingredients.
9. I would start a bed and breakfast and help make people's vacation's fantastic.
10. I would travel a whole lot more and see more of this beautiful world.
11. I would keep my temper and be sweet, loving, and patient. (Ry would like that)
12. I would sing more in public.
13. I would learn to paint.
14. I would put myself out there a lot more.
15. I would try to convince my husband to move to the beach somewhere.

There are many more but I know, but seeing this list makes me think of all the things that I should be trying and I'm not and how I need to stop worrying about failing. Life is about the journey not the destination!

Sixth Month Anniversary and other general life stuff

2008-09-12T07:07:00.003-06:00

Hello Everyone,

Ry and I had our six month anniversary last Sunday! It's so crazy to think that Ry and I have been married 6 months. Ry's opinion is basically "Hey! If we can make is 6 months, eternity hear we come! " :P Life has been good, we have settled really well and we are so just comfortable with each other. I do think it's true that the first year is the hardest of all, but its not really that hard. Anywho, we didn't do anything to celebrate other than just talk and reminisce.

I've been really busy lately, hence the lack of posts. I have been working at Dr. Lowry's a lot more, pulling 12 hours (total) shifts 2 to 3 days a week. I typically just get home and crash. I am really enjoying what I do for Dr. Lowry. The ZYTO machine is so fun and I see such improvements in the clients that I see! Hopefully I can build it bigger!

I am actually excited for autumn. This will be first winter I'm married and Ry and I are moving soon. Moving downstairs but hey it counts! Life is good!

The Lost Males

2008-08-27T07:45:00.003-06:00

I wanted to try something different. I read this article and I thought about how true it is for this day and age. I know that I am not the best at letting my husband be a "man" but I am so glad that I married a man who I promise will never be pushed off to the side as unnecessary.

Where have all the real men gone?

Top American columnist Kathleen Parker is causing a furore with her new book Save the Males, in which she argues that feminism has neutered men and deprived them of their noble, protective role in society

I know. Saving the males is an unlikely vocation for a 21st-century woman. Most men don’t know they need saving; most women consider the idea absurd. When I tell my women friends that I want to save the males, they look at me as if noticing for the first time that I am insane. Then they say something like: “Are you out of your mind? This is still a male-dominated world. It’s women who need saving. Screw the men!”

Actually, that’s a direct quote. The reality is that men already have been screwed – and not in the way they prefer. For the past 30 years or so, males have been under siege by a culture that too often embraces the notion that men are to blame for all of life’s ills. Males as a group – not random men – are bad by virtue of their DNA.

While women have been cast as victims, martyrs, mystics or saints, men have quietly retreated into their caves, the better to muffle emotions that fluctuate between hilarity (are these bitches crazy or what?) and rage (yes, they are and they’ve got our kids).

In the process of fashioning a more female-friendly world, we have created a culture that is hostile towards males, contemptuous of masculinity and cynical about the delightful differences that make men irresistible, especially when something goes bump in the night.

In popular culture, rare is the man portrayed as wise, strong and noble. In film and music, men are variously portrayed as dolts, bullies, brutes, deadbeats, rapists, sexual predators and wife-beaters. Even otherwise easy-going family men in sitcoms are invariably cast as, at best, bumbling, dim-witted fools. One would assume from most depictions that the smart, decent man who cares about his family and pats the neighbour’s dog is the exception rather than the rule.

I am frankly an unlikely champion of males and that most hackneyed cliché of our times – “traditional family values”. Or rather, I’m an expert on family in the same way that the captain of the Titanic was an expert on maritime navigation.

Looking back affectionately, I like to think of home as our own little Baghdad. The bunker-buster was my mother’s death when she was 31 and I was three, whereupon my father became a serial husband, launching into the holy state of matrimony four more times throughout my childhood and early adulthood. We were dysfunctional before dysfunctional was cool.

Going against trends of the day, I was mostly an only child raised by a single father through all but one of my teen years, with mother figures in various cameo roles. I got a close-up glimpse of how the sexes trouble and fail each other and in the process developed great em-pathy for both, but especially for men.

Although my father could be difficult – I wasn’t blinded by his considerable charms – I also could see his struggle and the sorrows he suffered, especially after mother No 2 left with his youngest daughter, my little sister.

From this broad, experiential education in the ways of men and women, I reached a helpful conclusion that seems to have escaped notice by some of my fellow sisters: men are human beings, too.

Lest anyone infer that my defence of men is driven by antipathy towards women, let me take a moment to point out that I liked and/or loved all my mothers. In fact, I’m still close to all my father’s wives except the last, who is just a few years older than me and who is apparently afraid that if we make eye contact, I’ll want the silver. (I do.)

My further education in matters male transpired in the course of raising three boys, my own and two stepsons. As a result of my total immersion in male-dom, I’ve been cursed with guy vision – and it’s not looking so good out there.

At the same time that men have been ridiculed, the importance of fatherhood has been diminished, along with other traditionally male roles of father, protector and provider, which are increasingly viewed as regressive manifestations of an outmoded patriarchy.

The exemplar of the modern male is the hairless, metrosexualised man and decorator boys who turn heter-osexual slobs into perfumed ponies. All of which is fine as long as we can dwell happily in the Kingdom of Starbucks, munching our biscotti and debating whether nature or nurture determines gender identity. But in the dangerous world in which we really live, it might be nice to have a few guys around who aren’t trying to juggle pedicures and highlights.

Men have been domesticated to within an inch of their lives, attending Lamaze classes, counting contractions, bottling expressed breast milk for midnight feedings – I expect men to start lactating before I finish this sentence – yet they are treated most unfairly in the areas of reproduction and parenting.

Legally, women hold the cards. If a woman gets pregnant, she can abort – even without her husband’s consent. If she chooses to have the child, she gets a baby and the man gets an invoice. Unarguably, a man should support his offspring, but by that same logic shouldn’t he have a say in whether his child is born or aborted?

Granted, many men are all too grateful for women to handle the collateral damage of poorly planned romantic interludes, but that doesn’t negate the fact that many men are hurt by the presumption that their vote is irrelevant in childbearing decisions.

NOTHING quite says “Men need not apply” like a phial of mail-order sperm Continued on page 2 Continued from page 1 and a turkey-baster. In the high-tech nursery of sperm donation and self-insemination – and in the absence of shame attached to unwed motherhood – babies can now be custom-ordered without the muss and fuss of human intimacy.

It’s not fashionable to question women’s decisions, especially when it comes to childbearing, but the shame attached to unwed motherhood did serve a useful purpose once upon a time. While we have happily retired the word “bastard” and the attendant emotional pain for mother and child, acceptance of childbearing outside marriage represents not just a huge shift in attitudes but, potentially, a restructuring of the future human family.

By elevating single motherhood from an unfortunate consequence of poor planning to a sophisticated act of self-fulfilment, we have helped to fashion a world in which fathers are not just scarce but in which men are also superfluous.

Lots of women can, do and always will raise children without fathers, whether out of necessity, tragedy or other circumstance. But that fact can’t logically be construed to mean that children don’t need a father. The fact that some children manage with just one parent is no more an endorsement of single parenthood than driving with a flat tyre is an argument for three-wheeled cars.

For most of recorded history, human society has regarded the family, consisting of a child’s biological mother and father, to be the best arrangement for the child’s wellbeing and the loss of a parent to be the single greatest threat to that wellbeing. There’s bound to be a reason for this beyond the need for man to drag his woman around by her chignon.

Sperm-donor children are a relatively new addition to the human community and they bring new stories to the campfire. I interviewed several adults who are the products of sperm donation. Some were born to married but infertile couples. Others were born to single mothers. Some reported well-adjusted childhoods; some reported conflicting feelings of love and loss.

Overall, a common thread emerged that should put to rest any notion that fathers are not needed: even the happiest donor children expressed a profound need to know who their father is, to know that other part of themselves.

Tom Ellis, a mathematics doctoral student at Cambridge University, learnt at 21 that he and his brother were both donor-conceived. Their parents told them on the advice of a family therapist as their marriage unravelled.

At first Tom did not react, but months later he hit a wall of emotional devastation. He says he became numb, anxious and scared. He began a search for his biological father, a search that has become a crusade for identity common among sperm-donor children.

“It’s absolutely necessary that I find out who he is to have a normal existence as a human being. That’s not negotiable in any way,” Tom said. “It would be nice if he wanted to meet me, but that would be something I want rather than something needed.”

Tom is convinced that the need to know one’s biological father is profound and that it is also every child’s right. What is clear from conversations with donor-conceived children is that a father is neither an abstract idea nor is he interchangeable with a mother.

As Tom put it: “There’s a mystery about oneself.” Knowing one’s father is apparently crucial to that mystery.

Something that’s hard for many women to admit or understand is that after about the age of seven, boys prefer the company of men. A woman could know the secret code to Aladdin’s cave and it would be less interesting to a boy than a man talking about dirt. That is because a woman is perceived as just another mother, while a man is Man.

From their mothers, boys basically want to hear variations on two phrases: “I love you” and “Do you want those fried or scrambled?” I learnt this in no uncertain terms when I was a Cub Scout leader, which mysteriously seems to have prompted my son’s decision to abandon Scouting for ever.

My co-Akela (Cub Scout for wolf leader) was Dr Judy Sullivan – friend, fellow mother and clinical psychologist. Imagine the boys’ excitement when they learnt who would be leading them in guy pursuits: a reporter and a shrink – two intense, overachieving, helicopter mothers of only boys. Shouldn’t there be a law against this?

We had our boys’ best interests at heart, of course, and did our utmost to be good den mothers. But seven-year-old boys are not interested in making lanterns from coffee tins. They want to shoot bows and arrows, preferably at one another, chop wood with stone-hewn axes and sink canoes, preferably while in them.

At the end of a school day, during which they have been steeped in oestrogen by women teachers and told how many “bad choices” they’ve made, boys are ready to make some really bad choices. They do not want to sit quietly and listen to yet more women speak soothingly of important things.

Here’s how one memorable meeting began. “Boys, thank you for taking your seats and being quiet while we explain our women’s history month project,” said Akela Sullivan in her calmest psychotherapist voice. The response to Akela Sullivan’s entreaty sounded something like the Zulu nation psyching up for the Brits.

I tried a different, somewhat more masculine approach: “Boys, get in here, sit down and shut up. Now!” And lo, they did get in there. And they did sit. And they did shut up. One boy stargazed into my face and stage-whispered: “I wish you were my mother.”

Akela Sullivan and I put our heads together, epiphanised in unison and decided that we would recruit transients from the homeless shelter if necessary to give these boys what they wanted and needed – men.

As luck would have it, a Cub Scout’s father was semi-retired or between jobs or something – we didn’t ask – and could attend the meetings. He didn’t have to do a thing. He just had to be there and respire testosterone vapours into the atmosphere.

His presence shifted the tectonic plates and changed the angle of the Earth on its axis. Our boys were at his command, ready to disarm landmines, to sink enemy ships – or even to sit quietly for the sake of the unit if he of the gravelly voice and sandpaper face wished it so. I suspect they would have found coffee tins brilliantly useful as lanterns if he had suggested as much.

But, of course, boys don’t stay Cub Scouts for long. We’ve managed over the past 20 years or so to create a new generation of child-men, perpetual adolescents who see no point in growing up. By indulging every appetite instead of recognising the importance of self-control and commitment, we’ve ratified the id.

Our society’s young men encounter little resistance against continuing to celebrate juvenile pursuits, losing themselves in video games and mindless, “guy-oriented” TV fare – and casual sex.

The casual sex culture prevalent on university campuses – and even in schools – has produced fresh vocabulary to accommodate new ways of relating: “friends with benefits” and “booty call”.

FWB I get, but “booty call”? I had to ask a young friend, who explained: “Oh, that’s when a guy calls you up and just needs you to come over and have sex with him and then go home.”

Why, I asked, would a girl do such a thing? Why would she service a man for nothing – no relationship, no affection, no emotional intimacy?

She pointed out that, well, they are friends. With benefits! But no obligations! Cool. When I persisted in demanding an answer to “why”, she finally shrugged and said: “I have no idea. It’s dumb.”

Guys also have no idea why a girl would do that, but they’re not complaining – even if they’re not enjoying themselves that much, either.

Miriam Grossman, a university psychiatrist, wrote Unprotected, a book about the consequences of casual sex among students. She has treated thousands of young men and women suffering a range of physical and emotional problems related to sex, which she blames on sex education of recent years that treats sex as though it were divorced from emotional attachment and as if men and women were the same. Grossman asserts that there are a lot more victims of the hookup (casual sex) culture than of date rape.

Casual sex, besides being emotionally unrewarding, can become physically boring. Once sex is stripped of meaning, it becomes merely a mechanical exercise. Since the hookup generation is also the porn generation, many have taken their performance cues from porn flicks that are anything but sensual or caring.

Boys today are marinating in pornography and they’ll soon be having casual sex with our daughters. According to a study by the National Foundation for Educational Research issued in 2005, 12% of British males aged 13-18 avail themselves of “adult-only” websites; and American research findings are similar. The actual numbers are likely to be much higher, given the amount of porn spam that finds its way into electronic mailboxes. If the rising generation of young men have trouble viewing the opposite sex as anything but an object for sexual gratification, we can’t pretend not to understand why.

The biggest problem for both sexes – beyond the epidemic of sexually transmitted disease – is that casual sex is essentially an adversarial enterprise that pits men and women against each other. Some young women, now fully as sexually aggressive as men, have taken “liberation” to another level by acting as badly as the worst guy.

Carol Platt Liebau, the author of Prude, another book on the havoc that pervasive sex has on young people, says that when girls begin behaving more coarsely so, too, do boys.

“And now, because so many young girls have been told that it’s ‘empowering’ to pursue boys aggressively, there’s no longer any need for boys to ‘woo’ girls – or even to commit to a date,” she told me. “The girls are available [in every sense of the word] and the boys know it.”

Men, meanwhile, have feelings. Although they’re uncomfortable sorting through them – and generally won’t if no one insists – I’ve listened to enough of them to know that our hypersexualised world has left many feeling limp and vacant.

Our cultural assumption that men only want sex has been as damaging to them as to the women they target. Here is how a recent graduate summed it up to me: “Hooking up is great, but at some point you get tired of everything meaning nothing.”

Ultimately, what our oversexualised, pornified culture reveals is that we think very little of our male family members. Undergirding the culture that feminism has helped to craft is a presumption that men are without honour and integrity. What we offer men is cheap, dirty, sleazy, manipulative sensation. What we expect from them is boorish, simian behaviour that ratifies the antimale sentiment that runs through the culture.

Surely our boys – and our girls – deserve better.

As long as men feel marginalised by the women whose favours and approval they seek; as long as they are alienated from their children and treated as criminals by family courts; as long as they are disrespected by a culture that no longer values masculinity tied to honour; and as long as boys are bereft of strong fathers and our young men and women wage sexual war, then we risk cultural suicide.

In the coming years we will need men who are not confused about their responsibilities. We need boys who have acquired the virtues of honour, courage, valour and loyalty. We need women willing to let men be men – and boys be boys. And we need young men and women who will commit and marry and raise children in stable homes.

Unprogressive though it sounds, the world in which we live requires no less.

Saving the males – engaging their nobility and recognising their unique strengths – will ultimately benefit women and children, too. Fewer will live in poverty; fewer boys will fail in schools and wind up in jail; fewer girls will get pregnant or suffer emotional damage from too early sex with uncaring boys. Fewer young men and women will suffer loneliness and loss because they’ve grown up in a climate of sexual hostility that casts the opposite sex as either villain or victim.

Then again, maybe I’m completely wrong. Maybe males don’t need saving and women are never happier or more liberated than when dancing with a stripper pole. Maybe women should man the barricades and men should warm the milk. Maybe men are not necessary and women can manage just fine without them. Maybe human nature has been nurtured into submission and males and females are completely interchangeable.

But I don’t think so. When women say, “No, honey, you stay in bed. I’ll go see what that noise is” – I’ll reconsider.

© Kathleen Parker 2008

Life Update

2008-08-14T07:41:00.003-06:00

Ha! I realized that I often wax philosophical on the blog and don't provide many life updates. So hear goes... Ry and I have been married 5 months and week, it is truly a blessing to me to have such a companion. Not that we don't have our own issues, the first year is full of misunderstandings and miscommunications. Despite all that I love him and I am working to be a better wife, and we have all of eternity to get it right!

We are going to move downstairs in about 6 weeks, then we will have new housemates. I'm actually really excited and I may post photos of our new digs and get decorating ideas.

I have a lot of weddings coming up in the next few months. It's fun being the friend to hear all about it, I know I talked Brie's ear off when I was getting married. I wish them all the best and hope that they will let me help in any way.

I've been trying to figure out things I can do part time once I have a child, I think I would be able to work part time at my current job, but if not possible I want to be able to do things that will help support my family (when it comes) and that I find some enjoyment in. I recently looked at massage therapy, but it is terribly expensive and not guaranteed. I can't imagine placing me and Ryan in such debt for something that might not work out. So I am considering tutoring and further exploring the use of the ZYTO programs. If I really try I know I can succeed. The ZYTO programs can help so many people and that's the type of thing that I want to do.

Nothing else is really new except we are planning a camping trip for the last weekend of this month. I am so excited cause we are going to Bear Lake (see picture). This is one of the prettiest places in Utah! And we get to camp for 3 nights!! Well that's the latest news from the Jessica front.

The Joys of a Good Series

2008-08-08T06:55:00.003-06:00

Prince Edward Island

Lately I have decided to return to a lot of the books that I loved when I was a child. As per my last post I am still looking for new reading material and I decided to finish a series that has captivated children for at least 4 generations. I have begun to read the Anne of Green Gables series. I am not on the fifth book and I just wanted to express my praise for this remarkable heartwarming story.

I first read Anne of Green Gables when I was nine. I was captivated by its wonderfully spunky and imaginative title character Anne. I laughed at all her scrapes as she grew up, however I never had full access to the entire series until now. I delight in reading how Anne has grown and has still preserved her sense of wonder.

I want to be more like Anne. I want to appreciate the small beautiful things such how the sun rises as I get to work, or the lovely rain that is miraculously falling in Utah right now. I want to have her spunk and her willingness to meet kindred spirits. She has caused me to take a good long look at the walls I have built around myself and allow them to come down just a bit so that I can once again look at my world through the eyes of wonder.

A Personal Plea from Jess

2008-08-01T07:21:00.004-06:00

As you have probably heard the fourth and final installment of the Twilight series is coming out. I am super excited but after that is over I find myself without a clue on what to read next. Those that know me know that I am a veracious reader and I need to have something to read. And last nite in a fit of desperation I started Harry Potter again! So if you could please leave a comment of your favorite books or books that you would suggest me reading. I am including a list of my personal favorites as well!!

Books
Harry Potter Series
Twilight Series-Stephenie Meyers
The Host-Stephenie Meyers
The Pillars of the Earth-Ken Folliet
The Alienist and The Angel of Darkness -Caleb Carr
The Odd Thomas Series-Dean Koontz
Life Expectancy-Dean Koontz
Beauty- Sherri Tepper
The First Man in Rome- Colleen McCullough
Anne of Green Gables- L.M. Montgomery

There are many many more! I love books that can make you laugh and cry. In fact that's kinda my standard for a book. I love sweeping emotions and brilliant plots. I love pretty much everything across the board except romance. I'll be honest I need some action in pretty much everything that I read. So if you know any good books please respond and I'll head off to my local library!

NEW LAYOUT!!

2008-07-30T10:05:00.004-06:00

I have a new layout!! I am really excited to bring you The Journey of Jess 2.0. Let me know your opinion, its a departure of my normal green but still fresh and exciting.

Like is still sweet. I don't have to move except downstairs!! Also there's a wedding boom among my friends and family! I have three weddings coming up in the next four months! I am married to a wonderful, giving, loving, and hot husband. I love his outlook on life and I promise his nonchalance of about life is rubbing of on me!

A few nights ago I was surprised to see the movie The Wizard of Oz on TNT. I love the movie for its beautiful contempt of reality and the sweet naivety of Dorothy. So this pic's in tribute of the good ol' Lollipop guild. Remember pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

I will write & post pics of my birthday celebration at The Roof later!!

The Twilight Saga-Warning contains Spoilers

2008-07-22T08:28:00.010-06:00

I know that everyone is crazy over this series of books but I wanted to add my reaction. I love these books, I didn't think I would I'll be honest. I thought especially during the first 50 pages that it was a silly little high school drama that happened to include vampires. Having grown up on a regular diet of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel I had my extreme doubts on whether an English major from BYU could create believable vampire lore especially a love story. I was wrong. Stephanie Meyers has been able to create a wonderfully intricate story that entwines the best of both genres, the fantasy and the romance.

What I love most is her treatment of forever. The author is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, as I am. In our faith we tend to think of love and relationships in the scope of eternity more often than your average person. That is why I love these books. It isn't preachy, it isn't judgemental, there are subtle mention of having a sinful nature and still doing all that you can to be righteous. I admire Edward for his intention of doing everything right, of wanting to marry her before sealing her "fate." I love how they both recognize that what they have is forever. It makes for refreshing and uplifting reading.

I add my humble kudos for Stephanie Meyers. She has been able to prove herself as a writer who recognizes the goodness that mankind has, that is truly refreshing. These are books that I will read over and over.

I want to express my knowledge of the eternity. A little out of place I know, but as I grow I redefine my priorities and lately I have been impressed with the closeness of eternity. The mystical, spiritual feeling that there's more to life than meets the eye. I love my life, I love my husband and I am truly glad for the Atonement. Without it I would have no hope.

Strength to Light Up the Dark

2008-07-10T08:11:00.004-06:00

Light Up the Dark

As I was reading my scriptures this morning I decided to read talks on strength. This week has been tough for me. I found out that my credit is trashed because my name is still on my ex-husband's home and he has hit some financial difficulties. Also I found out that its about 95% likely that I am going to have to move. Not out of Utah, no Ryan wouldn't allow that, but out of the home that we had hope to purchase, because my credit is not in any shape to buy a home. So, I was researching strength because I am going to need strength and wisdom to make the correct decisions with my husband about where we should go. I came across this talk by Elder Richard Scott. I love him he is truly one of my favorite apostles and is like the grandfather that I hope my husband will be :) So he posed these four questions for deep thought and I thought as my blog post that I would attempt to answer them. I figure no one reads this anyway so...why not?

What are some of the most fundamental priorities of your life?

To have a family where love is abundant. To be loved by others and to be respected by them. To raise righteous children who will love their parents and the Lord. To be educated and to have a closer walk with the Lord. To have a meaningful life that is more than fluff.

What challenges do you face in realizing your dreams and aspirations?
The resources to begin a family. My awkwardness around others, a lot of the times my social insecurities prevent people from noticing who I truly am. The rest of my challenges are ones that I have made myself, no one can determine if I live up to my potential, only I can make the choice to do that.

What are some of the obstacles that impede your progress?

My selfishness and my laziness. My constant desire for things to be easy as well as my huge penchant for procrastination. Also my judgemental and controlling nature, I am a blue personality all the way. I need to control my temper and take things one day at a time. I need to concentrate less on things of no importance and devote my time, energy, and resources to things that will benefit me now as well as in the future. I need to become a more caring and loving individual that listens more and talks less. That puts others before herself and is not jealous of the supposed "ease" that others experience.

What motivates you to overcome temptation and live righteously so that the Lord can guide and strengthen you?

My husband and future family. My desire to be a little less of an "unprofitable servant." My innate knowledge that I can be better. And most of the love that the Savior has for me, his sacrifice so complete. And not only his infinite atonement but the magnificent blessings that I have had here on this Earth, the personal purgatories that He has lifted me out of, His all encompassing grace.

I really enjoyed this exercise. It helped me to realize some important things about myself. Life is never simple. We often want to vilify the ones who wrong us, but if we look at the situation from a more righteous perspective we can always empathize. Oh wow I have learned this. If you would like the full details, anyone just ask through a comment and I will let you know. Thanks for reading!

True Meaning

2008-07-02T08:18:00.003-06:00

I love to blog, its like emotional chemotherapy for me. Today I want to discuss true meaning. I realized an important precept for my marriage. That too often we let the most ridiculous things distract us from happiness and eternity. I noticed this especially Monday night. Ry and I had been snipping at each other all night. Ok I'll admit it I was being snippy and my husband was being well clueless like always. And we were fussing about cleaning the house or something nonsensical like that. Then the Spirit touched me and was like "Go for a walk." While on this walk my husband and I reconnected we talked like we can't talk with the Wii or the TV or the radio going. It reminded me how much I enjoy his company and how much I let the true meaning of my life get overshadowed by things that have no eternal importance.

I can apply this to my spiritual journey as well. Too often I let things such as the amusing story on the Internet or the great book I picked up at the library prevent me from feasting on the work of the Lord. I love my Heavenly Father and I want to learn more about him and his gospel. I too often let the non eternal things endanger the eternal. I'm going to make the goal of being more concerned with things of an eternal nature.

I am so grateful that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Since my conversion in 2002 I have been blessed beyond compare. I have been provided with true meaning, with my true purpose. I strive to be more grateful of the Atonement of Jesus Christ as well as the blessings He has bestowed upon me. I know that I have done the right thing. I know this church is true.

Discovery Channel: I Love the World

2008-06-18T06:50:00.001-06:00

He Loves Me So Good and This Beautiful World

2008-06-17T06:45:00.004-06:00

I love my husband. I love my husband dearly. Lately times has been tough for me. Not with my husband, but just in life in general. I have recently parted ways with a very dear friend and this has taken a terrible emotional toll. I try to "shake" it off and let it roll off my back like Ry suggests but I have never been good at that. However, the purpose of this blog isn't to lament the lost of who I thought was my best friend but rather to sing the praise of my husband.

My husband Ryan always seems to know the right thing to say when I'm blue. I have had a hard life. I'm not being facetious, it's just the truth and when I fall into "victim" mode he is always there with the perfect thing to say to lift me back out. He calms my fears when I doubt and he loves me so good. That statement was made by a wise lady named Sharron Huffstutler and though it is rife with grammatical error it truly describes my husband. He loves me so good.

Lately Ry has been out of town more days than in town. I have struggled with loneliness and anger, but Ry does the best he can to make me feel dear to him. It is a testament of his ability to love me so good that I don't worry or fret when he's out of town. I trust him and that is a miracle. He completes me. My life is just better because he is in it. I am truly glad to have made him my husband.

On a different track, life has been pretty routine lately. It's been a lot of reading, working, and cleaning. Saturday (June 14th) I was able to visit bridal veil falls. I am amazed at how much better shape I am in than when I first moved here and that short hike nearly did me in. Standing by the waterfall and looking through the canyon was a spiritual experience to me. I know that my Heavenly Father is a god of love. NO being could create this beautiful and awe inspiring world and not feel the deepest of love.

I am happy, I am on the right path, and I am in love.

The first 30 days of change

2008-06-05T09:42:00.004-06:00

Hello one and all!

So I found a website that I wanted to share. http://www.thefirst30days.com/. It is a site that is designed to help people to change. Lately I have found myself in the typical newly wed "now what" syndrome. Honestly, I think that there should be a study done on the phenomenon. It has happen to me twice and to many others that I know so It is a really thing. As Ry and I approach our 3 month wedding anniversary and a bit farther out our year anniversary of dating we have both found ourselves in the "now what" stage. To explain it is when the hoopla of getting and being married dies down and life starts being...real. It's so seductive to wonder what is next. And being who we are, namely Mormons, our thoughts turn to children.

Now to set the record straight I can not wait until I am a mother. I think about my future children like they are here. I have their names and I even "know" what they are going to look like. However, I dream about my children because they are my future not because I want to start reproducing now. So the "now what" stage is really dangerous, because I don't want to rush the future. I want to live in the present.

That is where this website comes into the picture. This website helps to guide you through the first 30 days of many life changes. For example the two life changes that I chose to work on is getting in shape and becoming happier. I have spoken about becoming happier in previous posts and getting in shape has been a long time goal of mine. Having this resource to keep me going is such a godsend. I suggest that everyone go and check it out. Change happens, that's one of the axioms of life, but it doesn't have to be all that hard. This a wonderful site to help with that.

So my goals are to become a happier, less cynical more fit kick butt person!! I know that I can do it because I want it! And my life has brought me to this place for a reason. I have been given the tools for my situation and I will live my life on purpose!!

Juno and my humble musings

2008-05-21T07:41:00.003-06:00

Hello all!

This weekend I finally got to see Juno! Such a great movie! I have heard many different opinions but I loved it for its accurate betrayal of teenage pregnancy and the stigma attached to it. Teenage pregnancy while regrettable and should not be encouraged sometimes happens. Everyone makes mistakes and there are no reasons to judge others for having their mistakes so prominently displayed. To me anything that brings the miracle of life into the world couldn't have been a "mistake." I cannot believe that with astronomical odds each fertilized egg has to making it to babyhood. I loved how Juno showed an intelligent young woman who made the right decision when faced with the consequence of her actions. It was also very refreshing to see movie parents be....real, idealized but real. I enjoyed this movie very much. I would recommend it to people teenagers and up.

I have been thinking of babies lately. It's natural I live in UT and there are about 5,000,000 babies per ward ;) Kidding kidding. But now that Ry and I are in a family ward its really hard for us to not get caught up in that baby craze. My guess is that all it's going to take is a good ol calling in nursery and primary to cure that ;) No, I don't imagine I'll be having Ry's babies anytime soon; but it's nice to think about. And never before have I felt that this is the right guy for 100%. Hmmmmm...well when they come I know that they will be extremely lucky kids to have a father like they will have. :D

Summer is now taking a break again, and it will be chilly for the next week. I knew that it couldn't last. Le sigh...I'm so ready for summer! I should learn to be grateful for the days that I have...not wish for different. Take Care...

Spring Musings and Thoughts on Life

2008-05-14T07:54:00.006-06:00

So finally Spring has arrived! This Utah winter was the toughest that I have ever been through. It just kept going and going. I have to say that I did not really enjoy it and even grumbled and threatened to move a few time. Honestly, I have to say that I miss Alabama weather very much so. It snowed last week, that's right snowed in May and I have to say I was quite bitter about it.

The flowers are finally blooming in Utah and I think I have convinced my husband to plant one of my favorite trees whenever we can. It's called a tulip magnolia tree and I first saw it planted by the Birmingham Alabama temple. It's a beautiful tree that blooms in the spring with these gorgeous pink and white blooms. The funny thing about a long hard winter is that it helps you appreciate the spring all the more. I feel so blessed to be able to see Utah thaw out.

I want to offer my thoughts and prayers for the two enormous tragedies that occurred in Asia recently. The cyclone that hit Myanmar caused so much damage to an already impoverished people. I truly hope that their government will step up and allow international aid. I also want to offer my condolences to those unfortunate people in China. With all the China bashing that has been going on before the Olympics it was really easy to forget that they are people. I read a story on MSNBC speaking about parents grieving for their children and I guess that's when the epiphany hit me. It's so easy as a person to get so wrapped up in patriotism and stereotypes fed to us by society that we begin to believe that we are the only ones with the human emotions. When that is just not the case. We are all indelible spirits that love. I think that is what should matter most, love and families. How can we think people are THAT different from us if we all love?

So in closing I want to share a secret that really sparked my imagination. This has inspired me to make my life treat my life with a sense of wonder and to share it with those that I love best.

Being Happy

2008-05-05T08:11:00.007-06:00

I just want to talk today about being happy. Those who knows me know that I sometimes struggle with the blues; especially after 2007. But I have made a decision, I am going to be happy. I have an amazing life! I am married to an amazing man. A man who calls his parents...at home...and when they answer asks if they are home. ;) I have a great home that is so cute and pretty and just perfect for us. I have wonderful friends, without them I have no idea where I would be. Life Is Good! So all of you who know and love me, help me to be more upbeat and enthusiastic. Who says that you have to grow up to be a cynic?

I have been reading the Work and the Glory series by Gerald Lund. I really enjoy these books, they are very different from my usual fair. They are books based on the restoration of the gospel, a sort of historical fiction that weaves in a family through the beginning of the restoration and through the Mormon history. This book has helped my faith really come alive. Learning about the time period has helped me to understand the hardships of the restoration. I hope that if the time should ever come that I will have the faith of those described in this narrative.

Ryan is working night shift this week. I miss him so and it seems that we are never to be comfortable either sleeping with each other or without. I think its funny cause when we sleep alone we sleep on the same side of the bed...well I sleep on his. It makes me miss him less. Hopefully we will still get to see each other some today. I lover him so. We got to drive to Mt. Pleasant together yesterday, a 3 hr round trip, and just spending that time with him reinforces how much I love and cherish him. He's a character for sure and we just fit together for sure. Just look at him, how could you not love that!!

Finally I wanted to leave you with this quote. Imagine life if none of us would forget what we are capable of...

I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,but because it never forgot what it could do.— Naomi Shihab Nye, "Famous"

New Job and book reviews.

2008-04-22T08:24:00.007-06:00

To all those waiting on the edge of your seats, I have a new job. It's with Practical People Services in Orem. I really enjoy it. I provide HR expertise (well hopefully soon anyway) to clients from CA mostly. The work is really satisfying and it's a good leg up in my career. I like helping people and that's what I get to do all day long!

So Ryan has been out of town for the past 9 days now. Let me tell you, it is not fun when you have been married for less than 2 months and then he has to go out of town. Of course my heart goes out to those people in the military where this is their life. Well Ry has been in Denver and I have had to occupy my time. So I reverted back to my teenage self. I have read about 6 books (2 of them twice). So here are my thoughts about the most memorable.

Killing Time by Caleb Carr

I really enjoy Caleb Carr novels. Well I own two so that says something. He writes believable American Historical Fiction. In the Alienest and The Angel of Darkness he was able to weave these larger than life historical figures such as Teddy Roosevelt (one of my fav. presidents) and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, the women's rights leader. I have read them multiple times and re read them about once a year (two or three for Angel of Darkness, its that good). So considering this literary foundation I approached Killing Time with great hope. This novel is completely different however. It is based in the future, which is once again very appealing. Carr's view of the future is surprisingly depressing and very relevant in this time. Being written in 1999 though, I am sure that he had an inkling of this time as well. The book was interesting...but the end seemed hurried like he had grown weary of his literary creation. All in all I was disappointed in the lack of depth given to the characters and the almost too neat conclusion to the book. Though his thoughts on the freedom of information is fascinating and something to give consideration to.

Brother Odd by Dean Koontz

I am such a fan of Odd Thomas. With this character Koontz has created a friend, a person that reaches into the reader and touches something good and pure. Odd Thomas is what solidified my respect for Koontz who publishes many books. In this latest installment Koontz explored in greater detail Odd's love for the weak, the abused, and the helpless. I love Odd Thomas. Koontz writing is at its best when a main character that you can love is at the helm of the plot. The Face and Life Expectancy is two other characters that you can love. I would suggest the Odd Thomas series and these others to anyone. The best thing about books written by Koontz is that you know that good is going to triumph and often with panache, wit, and hope.

Ok so I ended writing many things about those two books. The others that I read were still great but not as memorable. Some honorable mentions are Beauty bu Sheri Tepper and The Oracle Glass (which I am not finished with) by Judith Merkle Riley. Both have strong female lead characters and I happen to have read Beauty about 10 times.

Life is so good right now. My new ward is finally starting to unfreeze just a little. I have started meeting people in my Relief Society. And I have been called as a visiting teacher which will be a big help in meeting people. I miss my husband. The tenants moved out from downstairs so its literally been me and Goliath (my Shitztsu). Ry gets home tomorrow so please put good thoughts out there that he will arrive safe and early :)

For your delight here is another wedding pic created by Brie !! Until next time

Changes Are A Happenin To Me

2008-04-08T12:05:00.008-06:00

So My life has undergone some major changes lately! I got married on March 7th, 2008 to the man of my dreams. (gag) Ok back to reality. Married life has been wonderful and I don't doubt that I did the right thing. I mean look at him.

Could I love him more! :P Hey! He asked for it. Being married has been awesome. We really do fit together and get along very well. Our honeymoon in balmy St. George was great too! I really enjoyed seeing other parts of Utah and was really happy that I got to spend a whole week just me and him. It was lovely.

Other changes, I am no longer working at ZYTO. Yeah that pretty much sucks. I worked there for a week after my honeymoon and was pulled in by three members of the senior management who all have been there less time than me and told me that my department was being outsourced. Outsourcing sucks!! And that they had no room for me anymore so with a semi-generous severance paskage I left ZYTO.

Fast forward to today, I have found a job. It looks to be a great job and one that I can springborad into a lot of other things. I really want to find time and take some writing courses. My time with ZYTO has shown me that I love to create and writing may be my medium. I don't expect to be crazy famous or anything but it is something that I love. So I want to develop it. I guess my blog would be a good place to start ;) Of course to be a serious writer i must refrain from using smileys. :P Ooops.

I start my new position tomorrow morning. I'm not really that nervous yet. I think I will make a good fit. I seem to hit it off well with the English because now two of my employers have been from Great Britain. I will be a human resource representative to people in California. Its a steady growing job that I am sure I will enjoy for years to come. (Hopefully)

I am going to closes by adding a few more pictures from my wedding. I haven't gotten the "official" pictures yet but I am sure that they are coming soon!!

It's Almost Here

2008-02-26T14:09:00.003-07:00

K Guys so here is my awesome invite! You are totally invited!! The reception is going to be fun! I have approximately ten days until I become Jessica A. McGraw. I have to say that I am supremely grateful and humbled by how awesome my life is. See him, isn't he just so so cute!! And let me jsut tell you how patient he is. He puts up with all my issues and still comes back for more. I could not imagine a better eternal companion. :) Ok before I get mushy...

I had my bachelorette party Friday nite! It was so much fun, my friends and I would spend a bachelorette party talking about politics and religion. I have to say that I am the most blessed person to have such great friends. Even tho I will never be able to eat bubbliscious again without thinking about it...I had so much fun.

So keep me in your prayers and soon I will post Bridals that I got last week :) Most were pretty good but to give you a hint it was very very snowy...ill even include some of the what was i thinking shots. ;)

Engagement Pics

2008-01-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

Hi!! I wanted to share with you some of our engagement pictures!! So here they are...

This is at centennial park in American Fork. Its amazing what little gems you find on the off-roads. Its so gorgeous.

Notice how proud he is!! He's a cutie...and i have to say it pretty darn strong.

Ok well there are a lot more but I don't want to bore! You will have to wait to see the invites!! :D

Engaged!!

2008-01-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

Ok Ok I know that its been awhile but I have some pretty big news. I am Engaged!! K, so I've been engaged for a while but haven't had the opportunity to write about it. I'm so happy and well very scared. It's not my first rodeo and it's so much harder and scarier the second time around. Here's a pick of the ring but it is a blue sapphire not a pink one.

Isn't it beautiful. I love it. I'm looking at it right now and *sigh* he did a really good job. So the story behind it ws that Ry and I talked about marriage every now and then but it was his parents that put us on the spot by asking our plans. Well, honestly we didn't have any but later that night we talked it through and set a date. :) So we went to look for rings and found this one. I absolutely fell in love. But Ry said that it would be a really long time until he could get it.

Then about a week and a half later Ry came home demanding to go on a walk to "our" bench in Adventureland Park in Highland. That's a 6 mile round-trip walk and I had already worked out twice but I love going on walks with Ryan. It's how we fell in love in the first place so how could I refuse? After a long long walk we made it to our bench and almost immediately Ry was on one knee. I don't remember is exact words, but what I remember is him saying "I love you so much, Jessica and I want to spend the rest of eternity with you, whould you marry me?" Of course I said yes. He's so charming :P

Well after we were engaged he left for Denver, Colorado for 20 days then we headed to Alabama. I promise that I will write more about the Alabama trip soon.

Strange toys

2007-11-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

So Christmas is just around the corner and I personally want to get the ball started by bring you the strangest toys. I found this article on fark.com. (awesome site) and I wanted to share.

http://www.cracked.com/article_15670_25-most-baffling-toys-from-around-world.html

This is the whole article...I am going to mention my favorites:

Ok this is an innocent looking item but watch the video and see what you think....I dont know...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFVoLz88hiU

Wow...This is my first brush with Japanese potty culture. My favorite is the little boy evidently struggling with constipation at the end.

Next toy: The penis putter...this frightens me to think that this is marketed to little children. Here's picture goodness.

Notice that it is a penis on the end of that putter...wouldn't this teach children not to be gentle with this area. Oh my....

Toy Number 3: The Poop hat, once again a Japanese toy. It seems more torture than toy. Or even more disturbingly...kids fighting on wearing the poo hat. Poor Poor japanese model it seems that his spirit is crushed by wearing the poo.

Those are my three favorite. Now I haven't decided what I want for christmas...honestly I would be happy with gift cards or cash. Of course cold weather clothes since I'm UT might be nice too. As long as its not anything on this list I would be happy. Take Care ;)

Bowling with Four Children and Other Tidbits....

2007-11-13T08:55:00.001-07:00

For FHE on Monday Ryan and I decided to go bowling, with Brie and four children. How fun!! We had a blast! Its very humbling to have your trash handed to you by a three year old. This was only my fifth time bowling and as usual I provided lots of laughter. The plucky comic relief of the night had to be Brie, my roommate. How anyone could be a better bowler after spinning in a circle three times is beyond me. I kept getting nine pins down but not being able to finish up. Ryan found that quite amusing. Bowling is definately more fun with kids. :) Watching the surprise and the sheer joy of Cole, the three year old, when he got a strike was wonderful.

Ok, so this weekend has been pretty pretty crazy. Both bad and good things have been brewing since about Wednesday of last week. But by far, I think the good things will last the longest. I won't make any announcements yet but its coming, promise. Just keep me in your prayers so I will be able to act on faith and not on fear.

I got to see Kerri, Blake, and little baby Alex on Friday nite. She is just so completely adorable. She was a little smaller than we thought only being about 6 lbs. She was jsut wormy but so so cute. It's gratifying to see my best friends receive the thing that they have been praying for for so long. I mean we all have and I know that we all feel like we helped bring her here. Her name is Alex Blakely, and no I'm not bitter that she wasn't named after me like our bargain :P

Halloween 2007

2007-11-01T10:00:00.000-06:00

Halloween 2007 was a great day. It was an event that lasted about 2 weekish. This year I dressed up for the first time in ages and I was a blonde Amy Winehouse. At least she was my inspiration...a skeezy goth-rock chick is probably the best way to put it. It was sweet :P

Except no tats unfortuately. Did this for a church party so you can imagine that it went over well ;). Hey I wanted to do something totally different. Ryan was an old man...so we didnt really match but he looked so authentic...a little like Columbo.

So We also carved pumpkins on Monday. Mine was supposed to have CRAZY eyes but ended up looking a little animae instead. Very nice. Will upload pics soon.

On Halloween nite we watched Darkness. This movie was really scary in the fact that it let you scare yourelf and didn't really do much other than show you the shadows of these evil children. I would recommend it but honestly doesnt make much sense. Too many loose ends...Like who in world is the blind old ladies in the picture? And why do they kill people...hmmmm Horror movies are best taken at face value. I give it about a 3.5 stars. It scared me enough to have to have lights on the whole nite so I wouldnt have to sleep in the darkness. Slept likecrap...but I'm a wuss.

Finally I received some really great news yesterday!! Kerri and Blake's baby girl was born. Little Alex Blakely Huffstutler is a Halloween baby. She was 7 lbs 3 oz and very healthy. I'm so happy for you guys and feel like I have a new neice. I can't wait to meet her!!

Well, that's all for now. Still saving the ZYTO universe one training session at a time. :P I leave you with this quote. "Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night." ~Steve Almond Only too true :P

Fall Update

2007-10-16T15:21:00.001-06:00

So all who knows me knows about Ryan. Those who dont' well this is him. Isn't he gorgeous? (We both look like marshmallows cause its cold here in UT) I am such a big fan of his...as of last weekend we have been dating three months. A long time in Mormon time...but no ring yet...Im not that UT yet.

Everything is going really great. I have been given a new positions at ZYTO. It has been really been pretty stressful but I am getting the hang of it I think. I have been given many opportunites here and I hope that I will make thoseproud who decided to give me a chance. :)

I have a new nephew!! Isnt he adorable. That is his daddy my little brother. Kylar looks so much like him. I can't wait to meet him in December!

The weather is getting colder here. There is snow on the mountains. Life is really really good. I found this poem that reminds me to be thankful.

I think You God for most this amazing day

For the leaping greenly spirits of trees

And a blue true dream of sky;

And for everything which is natural

Which is natural

Which is infinite

Which is yes

(i who hade died am alive again today,

And this is the sun's birthday

This is the birth day of like and of love and wings;

And of the gay great happening illumitably earth)

How should tasting touching hearing seeing
reathin any ~~lifted from the no

of all nothing~~human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings

I am so grateful to have what I do. For my friends and my family. Life is good :D

Post Secret Video

2007-08-13T11:59:00.000-06:00

Please check this out. I love this blog, I look at it every week and the cards amaze me. Check out the video at http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. The secrets of the people around us helps me to realize the strength of the human spirit and the beauty of the human experience.

Doors

2007-08-03T08:23:00.000-06:00

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

~Helen Keller

Things have been really exciting lately. I have begun dating someone, his name is Ryan McGraw and he is just so great. We met at a ward activity (who knew?) and have been together ever since. Dont worry, Im not that UT yet it will take sometime before anything permanent happens. He is just a great guy that has a wonderful sense of humor and can put up with me so far. ;) Lets be honest that's not the easiest thing to do.

So right now I am totally crushin on the Mika CD. It called Life in Cartoon Motion and I am borrowing it from the boy. Its so good and it helps me get thru another work day. Check it out I swear the lead singer has got to be the reincarnation of Freddie Mercury!

Well if any profound thoughts come to me Ill be sure to share ;)

Loves!!!

Do....

2007-07-27T09:07:00.000-06:00

"Do all the good you can,

By all the means you can,

In all the ways you can,

In all the places you can,

At all the times you can,

To all the people you can,

As long as ever you can."

- John Wesley

I guess that this says it all....

Good Readin'

2007-07-26T14:03:00.000-06:00

So If you know me you know that I am a big reader. I have a confession that I mostly read pop-lit but I have read a few books lately that of course need to be mentioned.

So first one- Of course Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows-no worries no spoilers here but this was an amazing book and I have to say that J.K. Rowling did justice to her creation. The book was wonderfully written and of course I cried tons when I read it. Its sad to me that essentially the magic that is Harry Potter is over but what a run!!

Second a book that has been flying all around me is the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers. When you start this book you wonder if you are insane for reading a high school book but then after the first 100 pages you realize the gift that the author has of making everything seem so wonderfully human yet beautifully supernatural. I received the first two books in hardback for my birth day (thanks Abby and family!!) and I am reading them for the second time.

Third and then I'll close is a great book by Dean Koontz (pop-lit at its finest) called Odd Thomas. Yes its not new and I have read it several times but it is the top ten of my favorites. In this book Mr. Koontz creates a character that is so sweet and human that i feel as if he is a personal friend in fact I reread the book every time I want to "catch" up on Odd Thomas. Try it you will not be disappointed.

Path

2007-07-26T14:00:00.000-06:00

First Post

2007-07-26T13:47:00.000-06:00

This is my first post on my blog so I guess Ill give a brief review of my life so far. I am 23 years old (barely) I was born July 24th, 1984 so I am a child of the 80's. I have lived a life in my 23 years thats for sure. I live in American Fork Utah right now but I just moved from Alabama. I have a lot of great friends here and I am so grateful for them. UT is awesome and one of the prettiest places on Earth...very very dry tho.

I am LDS, which helps explain the UT thing. I converted when I was 18 and it was the best decision that I have ever made. I love the church and its teaching helps me to become better. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision and I have never regret it once.

Hmmm lets see ;) I graduated from Jacksonville State University in April of 2006. I love JSU and miss it terribly. It is truly a wonderful school and I made so many wonderful memories there. Go Gamecocks!!

I work for the Zyto Corporation and enjoy my job greatly. I am customer success supervisor and I get to help and teach people all day. I love to teach!

So, my life is just now returning to a semblance of normalcy. Or rather I am finally rising out of the ashes. My life completely changed right before 2007 and I am no longer the Jessica I once was. This blog is going to keep in touch with all my friends as well as provide a record of the transformation. So I am going to post my thoughts as well as my funny things i may come across and hopefully everyone will enjoy!!