Change in Hair Color and the End of our Prenatal Class

Saturday was a monumental day for me. I officially left the ranks of blonds everywhere and became a brunette. I really wanted something different that required a lot less upkeep and would allow me to look different and look good with a new baby around. I tried this before...and it didn't work I was way too chicken to actually pick out a color dark enough to cover up my blond. It's much harder to cover up blond than I thought. So I sent Brie on a mission to pick out the hair color she thought would look good. She picked out this one. It's Feria's warm Brazilian brown.

I love it!! The first day or so it was a little dark but the red highlights have really come out and I can say I am a bit of a redhead. Not a ginger per say but I really like. The reactions that I have gotten have been mixed, but Ry loves it and comments on it constantly. I will upload pictures from my baby shower this weekend.

This week we also completed our prenatal class. I am so glad that we went. I feel so much better about the whole birthing process and the scary first few weeks. Our last class was a breastfeeding class and I have to say that it was SO funny to see the fathers (soon-to-be) so uncomfortable about all the breasts that was involved. When I talked to Ry about it he said the worst part was the instructor using her own chest as demonstration. LOL!! Thankfully there was no instructor "live" nudity. I will say that the most disturbing part of the whole process for is seeing the milk actually make an exit. I know it will soon be my reality and hopefully at that time I will think its super cool...but right now it gives me the heeby-jeebies!

On Saturday I have my awesome baby shower thrown by Kath and Brie. I am so grateful such amazing people in my life and all the hard work they are putting into it!! I love ya'll!! I will hopefully take tons of pictures and once again post pictures of the amazing awesomeness that is my stomach. My goal before the end of the pregnancy is maybe to get some video of the amazing movements of my child. It is so awesome to see her moving around, sometimes painful but always amazing!

31 Weeks and the Funnier Side of Being Pregnant

I am closing the 31st week of my pregnancy. I have to be honest other than the random pain that I have all the time, I am enjoying it a lot more. I feel Loralei kick and move and somersault all hours of the day and she really makes me laugh. I also have to laugh at the stares that I get. Now I live in Utah where everyone and their cat is pregnant yet people feel like they have to slow down their cars to stare at me when I'm walking to church! Some call me too sensitive, but I wasn't the one that pointed it out; my husband Ryan did! There are perks tho, people actually stop at the crosswalk when I'm crossing the street ;) and sometimes they hold open doors.

67 Days and Counting

AHHHH the gloriousness of my baby bump. This is me in Saint George getting ready to go out to the pool. I love my swimsuit! Ry picked it out. As you can see, my baby is growing strong and healthy. Just 64 days left!! Woot! I'm so ready to meet her. This has been by far the strangest, most all encompassing journey that I've ever been on. I love the child growing inside me. I love the love that has grown between me and my husband. I love life right now.

Tribute to a Wonderful Guy

This Saturday is my and Ryan's first anniversary and in celebration I wanted to leave a tribute to the most wonderful man I've ever met. I love my husband. He is so gorgeous and funny. I can't believe that he chose me and probably more amazing is that he continues to choose me after this year. Here are some of the things that I love about my husband.

1. He is always able to laugh.
2. He is ticklish.
3. He still looks at me (7 1/2 month pregnant) like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
4. He is the only person who can get me to laugh no matter how angry or sad that I am.
5. He's got my back no matter what.
6. He is always dreaming about the future.
7. He loves to lay his head on my tummy before bed to spend time with the baby and to feel her kick.
8. He is the best listener (when the TV is off)
9. He hates sports, so practically no boring TV ever
10. He loves to spend time with just me and him.

There are so many more reasons why I love the kid but these are the top ten. I love him so much and I'm so grateful everyday that he chose to ask me on a walk on a July evening in 2007. I am so truly amazed at how blessed I am to have him. And the best decision I have ever made was to seal myself to him. I love you Babe!!

Ups and Downs of Life

This past weekend was full of ups and downs. I struggle with one thing and that is that I always want to know the end from the beginning. I want to know how things work out before I even try them. I know that my past and childhood has made me so desire security that I am paralyzed to take risks. What this typically means is that I really get bent out of shape when things don't work out to plan and sometimes I get bitter. Saturday was one of those days. We went maternity swim suit shopping which may be fun to so cutely preggo gals. But for me it was so sad cause for the first time I got to see my stomach in a full length mirror. Being pregnant doesn't bother me, what it is doing to my skin is what bothers me. I look like I have a map of Rome on my stomach. Now the unfailing optimist in me wants to say that Heavenly Father loves me SO much that he wanted to give me another reason to always be modest. :P But it really made me sad. I don't know I just don't feel attractive anymore...and it's pretty permanent.

The other thing that came up was that some money that I was really counting on to get our savings and baby fund started fell through so we have little opportunity to put anything away for a rainy day before Loralei arrives. That paired with Ry not working full weeks has started to really put a strain on me. So on Saturday when I found out about our lack of funds I got really bitter and upset. I just couldn't understand why this one thing couldn't work out for us when it has worked out for so many people that I know. This carried on through Sunday, when miracles of miracles it seemed like all the hymns were picked out especially for me. In Relief Society we sang "Lead Thou Me On" (?) and it really reminded me that I need to be able to trust like a child in the dark that I will be led to all paths that are good for me and my family.

My worries haven't all gone away. In fact, I am still struggling a bit, but I am able to say without a shadow of a doubt that though my path may seem difficult and my burden heavy I have the love and guidance of a wonderful Heavenly Father who just loves me too good to let me be alone when I'm in need.

Life as a Duplex

This week had been full of growing bigger. At my last doctor's appointment, my doctor looked at me and smiled and said " You know at this point you feel like there's no way that you get bigger, but you will...you will." That is not the most comforting thing let me tell you. This week I have started to feel the soreness of getting bigger. Nothing really hurts more than my tummy. Rolling over is such an ordeal now. Ry laughs at my "free willy" flop that I have to do to get over. Being pregnant is so fun ;)

I got to hear from my foster parent's this week. To give a little background, when my mother lost custody of me when I was about 6 and a half, they couldn't find any relatives that would take me so I was placed in a foster home with the Grotelueschen's. That period in my childhood was one of my happiest. Unfortunately we lost touch several time as I grew up. Yesterday, I received an email from my foster Dad asking how I was. I got to tell them that I was going to have a baby and that I was doing well. I'm always happy to give them good news, because for how my life started out, it's amazing that it's going as well as it is. I am so very blessed to have the love of another family far away in Alaska.

I have been reminded that I need to get pregnancy pics posted. Now I haven't because I'm embarrassed. Tho, I am a little awed at the awesomeness of my tummy; the reason has been pure laziness. My job wipes me out and the last thing I feel like doing is posing for pics after work. I promise to have some up soon, at least before I have this baby.

So in comes the stress

These past few days I have been hit with enormity of it all. I have been stressing non stop about how I am going to actually BE a mom and have all that that entails. Those who know me knows that I'm a worrier. Call it genetics are environmental, but I've always been one who looks for the rainy day. So I thought that if I listed my worries that it might help me to bring this unrelenting stress at least down to a point.
1. I'm stressed about $$, I want to be a stay at home mom, but we are not financially solvent on one paycheck. I want to believe that if we just have the faith that we can cut our income by more than half and live with me staying home with Loralei, but I'm really scared. I'm scared because it's going to hard and maybe impossible.
2. I'm stressed about working part time, I don't know if my current company will keep me part time, and if they do will I still be able to be a good mom. I never wanted to be a working mom, but what can you do?
3. I'm worried about just being a mom. I know that during pregnancy is not the best time to evaluate yourself as a person, but I'm kinda lacking in the patience area and I really worry that I won't be a good mom or that I will screw my kid up horribly.
4. I'm really worried about the sheer work of having a baby. The idea of going without sleep and being completely centered on someone else is so scary.
5. Don't get me started on the birth and breastfeeding.

I know that I shouldn't worry, I love babies and I already love Loralei with all my heart. I am so blessed to have this experience and I need to have faith because faith and fear cannot exist in the same person at the same time.

Best Dream EVER!!

Since, I seem to post more than I write in my journal...yes I'm that pathetic ;)... I wanted to share a wonderful dream I had this morning. I had a dream that Loralei was here and I was holding and I got to smell her and she was nekkid except for a diaper and I was rubbing her back and she little freckles right in between her shoulder blades and the little newborn fuzz that all babies have. And she smelled SO good!! It made me want to have her right now so I can hold her! It was really such a good dream and I was so upset when my alarm went off and woke me up, but bonus snuggle time with Sexy husband!!

I am truly so blessed to have this experience. I let dumb little things scare me about having Loralei like the fear of sleep deprivation and breastfeeding but I should know that this is just right and what is planned for me. I'm so excited to be a mother and I can't wait to meet my little girl.

First Dream about Child Birth...If Only..

Last night I had my first dream about actually birthing Loralei. It was fantastic, and if my actual birth was like this, yeah I think I could handle it. However I know its my subconscious way to try to shield me from the birthing experience. In my dream, I was in bed asleep with my husband and I felt like I was dilating (no pain) and that I was going to give birth. So Ryan my husband who's asleep beside me says just go with it. So I start pushing and soon the head is out and so is the rest of the baby. She's a little small cause get this, she's only 6 months and a day in the womb, but that doesn't really effect her. And I call my Mom (from AL) and have her take care of the umbilical cord. Then I start nursing Loralei and everything is ok. Then the HUGE worry that I have (not that i just gave birth at 6 months or at home in my bed) is that I had my baby too early and I'm going to have to tell work. And I spend the rest of the dream trying to call work to tell them that I've had my baby and will need to start my maternity leave immediately.

Wow, what a dream. Tho, I have to be honest, if the the birth happens as painlessly in my dream I would not complain. :)

January 2009

Drum roll please!! Ryan and I are going to have a little girl!! We've decided on a name (99% sure) of Loralei Grace. It was amazing to see her at the ultrasound. It was Ry's first time to see or hear her heartbeat so it was really special to watch him with his just expression of wonder. I told him "See I have been working hard!" She look really healthy, we have a profile picture where she's doing a perfect mountain pose (yoga) and there's a really great one the doctor has of her lips and you can see her little nose too. It was simply magical. I was worried that Ry would be sad that it was a girl but he was so happy that she was healthy and real..I guess.

This month is Ry's birthday, on Friday we and a big group of friends and family are going out to the BrickOven pizzeria in Provo to celebrate. Ry picked out his presents and I picked out a super secret surprise present. He never reads this so I can say that's it's a new wedding ring so that he can always be reminded of the family he has at home. And I was able to get the exact same one. I hope he hangs onto this one a bit longer than the last one.

I'm really enjoying being pregnant right now, its amazing to feel Rory rolling around in there and she cracks me up. Ry is a little like Darla (Finding Nemo) with the shaking and the "Wake up Baby" but I think she'll still like him when she's born ;) He'll be the really fun one :P I feel so much better than I did in the 1st trimester and I could see me doing this 3 more times now. That's a definite plus. I'm six month next week so time is passing quickly.

I can't wait for winter to end! Lucky us we get a little break on the first weekend in March where Ryan and I are going to have a little anniversary trip. Our first anniversary and I'll be 7 months pregnant. Hee hee. I love him more than ever!