Return from the Promised Land

Hello All!

We have returned from the promised land on Utah. That may not be historically correct but I know that for me St. George is my promised land. I adore the salty almost sea-like wind that blows through the red rock hills. I adore the warm sun that seems to bring us to life after a lond snowy Wasatch winter. We slept with the windows open and we swan outside for the first time this year.

Let me tell you Loralei is a water bug. Every time that we would even mention swimming she would start stripping down and running for her swimsuit. Seeing her so excited and lighting up at those words makes me so excited for this summer! I am so glad that we enrolled her in swim classes last year. She has no fear of the water and I love that. I wanted us to share that.

I don't have any pictures right now but I will post soon. I'll leave describing our hike until then.

Dieting and this First Signs of Spring

It might not be such a good idea for me to write a post so late (HA HA it's 9:55 and that's late to me) but here goes.

New to me this week is a diet.  I found a new web resource on shape.com.  BTW I love the Shape Magazine.  I don't get any magazine subscriptions besides the Ensign but if I did Shape would be the first one.  I may sound all Liz Lemon-ish (30 Rock) but I love how the magazine promotes healthy body image and also just seems pretty down to Earth.  Well, shape.com has a virtual trainer that is almost exactly like the Weight Watcher's online tool at the old one that I used and the best part is that it is free.  I really wanted to see if I could become healthier without spending a lot of money on a program that I may not follow.  So, I started on Wednesday and I can say that while I hate having to restrict calories cause I love to eat, that this is the most straight forward diet I have ever been on.  I can't fail at this one unless I choose to.  (Which is why I like Weight Watchers too but I really don't want to pay for them.)  So if you check it out and sign up become my friend.  I am heavenleigh07.  Help me to lose the weight finally!

Also, lately the weather has been like this

and this

and we have been enjoying it.  I love Spring and I love warm weather.  Sometimes in the middle of the snowy Wasatch winter I wonder how I ever ended up here, but Spring makes me start loving where I'm planted.  And oh boy are we taking advantage of it.  We have been walking away, if it was a little warmer we would be biking but hey beggars can't be choosers.  We walked the Highland, Utah canyon mouth trail today and really enjoyed the sunshine and warm breeze.  Thank you Heavenly Father for giving us this small show of the glory of Spring!

BTW Ry and I are 2 for 2 on going to the temple each month so far this year.  I love the temple and I love the Spirit that I feel there.  I am so grateful that I am able to attend a place that the Spirit of the Lord rests so heavily.  It truly helped me to put somethings in perspective and also helped others to put me in my place for Heavenly Father (which was heartily unpleasant but needed).  I need to look at what I have and not let my recent setbacks define me or my abilities (wow how vague).

I hope that each of us face each day as the brand new gift and opportunity that it is.  I know that I will truly try. 

Looking forward to

I have been in an enormous funk lately. In short, my 2011 has been disappointing so far and our family has gone through some challenges that has really made us reevaluate a few things. I have been trying to deduce a way for me to buck up and stop the gray moods around our home. After hours of contemplation I realized that we need to to focus on being grateful on what we do have ( a recurring theme for this blog) and that while winter always brings our mood down that we should look forward to the things that will bring happiness.
Here are a two things I am ridiculously looking forward to: our friend's Valentines celebration

Found at http://maltaddict.wordpress.com/2010/02/06/what-are-you-doing-for-valentines-day/ using Google pics

and our annual family/ anniversary vacation to St. George!

Pic of Rory and Ry last year on a hike up Snow Canyon.

A bunch of my friends and I have planned a scavenger type hunt for for our menfolk. I love the idea but I think the girls are going to have much more fun than the boys. We have t shirts and clues and candy. The best part of event will be spending some time with some primo women. These woman are amazing in their own way and it will be fabulous way for us to celebrate Valentines day and the men are going to be fed a wonderful dinner afterward and there may be sometime for some cuddling and movie watching at the end. Thanks to Abby for spearheading this project and giving us direction to our celebration.

St. George is in less than 25 days! I adore St. George. It is my favorite place in Utah no competition. It's my oasis of Spring in the desert of Utah winter. I love St. George. It holds so many beautiful memories and I love that we get to go back every year.

I hope that each of you have some fun plans in the near future as well. Alas, I must get to work! Until next time!

What's Going On

So I postponed adding a new addition to this blog because I was anticipating having a big announcement.  Well, that didn't work out as planned so here's my New Year's Resolutions for 2011.

This year I want the amazing family, friends, and loved ones in my life to know how dear they are to me.  In time of heartaches and troubles there are people who always stand up and support me.  I want to devote this year to making those people who support me know how important they are in my life.

I want to this year to show the gratitude I have for my body.  I need to celebrate all the amazing things it can do by eating healthier, becoming fitter, and really pushing myself physically this year.  I am really excited to get started and to make the life changes I need to show how grateful I am for this wonderful mechanical wonder that I have been given.

I have a few more mundane things I want to add to the list like save more money, be more tidy, and potty train my toddler but those will also help my quality of life.

I'll be back to soon to talk about how I'm going to accomplish these things.  As always love each other and be well.

Christmas Photo

I LOVE Christmas!  Christmas is the one holiday that makes me feel like a kid again.  I am all aflutter about Loralei opening her presents which include a mini cleaning kit, a rocking horse, puzzles and a stocking full of little toys.  Man, I'm so excited!  Also I'm curious to see what my darling husband has hidden away for me.  The anticipation is awful and I hope it lasts. 

We got professional Christmas pictures made,  I don't count myself quite photogenic but this one is quite good.  I love Loralei's face.  I think there is pure hatred there.  Not for the photographer but for the whole situation.  Being dressed up, having to pose, just everything.  I still love it. 

Tell me what you think.

Merry Christmas!  I hope each of you have a great Christmas filled with wonder and magic as all Christmases should be.

Catch-Up

I am so horrible at the daily blogging.  Honestly, I needed some time to adjust to all the things going before I recorded it in the great beyond that is the Internet.  Here are some pics and then I'll give ya'll an update.

Isn't she the cutest Little Devil you've ever seen?  She's with her friend Zoey, who is the most adorable Panda Bear I've ever seen.  Yes, this is Halloween pictures but I just got them and I wanted to share.

Life is awesome.  Winter had come to Happy Valley, Utah.  It's been frigid and snowy for a while now.  I'm definitely looking forward to Spring already!  Luckily we have some super fun winter plans coming up that makes all of it worth it.

Loralei is thriving.  She is talking all the time and has learned the dreaded word "No."  I'm ok with that because so far she hasn't been too horrible with it.  My favorite is that she has learned to say "I Love You" which just makes the birds sing and the sun shine in my heart .  She is exquisite.

We're all getting over lovely colds.  Mine seems to be sticking around the longest but it's on it's way out.   It needs to leave soon because I'm ready for a good night sleep again. 

Christmas tree is up and I'll post a picture.  I am very proud.  My friend Karalee has passed the craft bug and I have to say that my tree is very crafty especially the presents underneath.

I am blessed! Special shout out to Abby who I got to introduce to Dr Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.  I had a blast and we should do it again soon! 

Lessons Learned

I'm sorry it has been nearly two weeks since I've posted. I quite literally needed to take a breath and process before I could share all that has changed in just these two weeks. In response to last post I received a phone call from some one involved with the situation. Due to the sensitivity of the events involved I'm being intentionally vague. However, she told me that there was a different reason for the granddaughter to be removed. Once that my mother knew of when blaming me for the situation and that I should put my mind at ease.

Also, a big emotional change for me was getting the court papers to my molestation case. Reading them was like reading a story of some one else. The biggest shock came when I read my mother's testimony against me. I guess that was really all I needed to hear to realize I need a break. I love my mother and I honor her for bringing me into the world, but her actions have hurt me and for me to move on with my life and continue with being the best mother I can be, I need a break.

On other news, Loralei is going to be the cutest tutu-ed devil for Halloween! We had a Halloween photo shoot and she is adorable. I will have those pics posted as soon as I can. I love Halloween and I love taking Halloween photos. Loralei has also pretty much successfully stopped breastfeeding. (I tried weaning, but I hate that word.) It has been pretty much painless and tearless and for that I'm so grateful. I have adored breastfeeding my child and I hope that all who can will nurse their children as well. The emotional bonding and physical benefits make it something I am very passionate about. I think that would be my second top dream job, possibly my first; helping women to have that amazing experience of nursing.

Life is good and I am so grateful for my blessings. Here are my joys.

Consequences and Life 101

Trail at Cascade Springs, Utah

I talked to my biological mom today.  I have to make the distinction because I have three woman who at different times and for completely different motivations were/are my mother ( a different story for a different time).  I call my biological mother every Wednesday.  I do this because she brought me into this world and despite whatever has occurred after that momentous occasion I owe her a weekly call.  She lives in Virginia and the last time I saw her it was December 2004 so finding things to talk about is pretty difficult since we live completely different lives and there's an elephant in the room. 

I was molested when I was a young child.  From about the age of 3 to the age of 7, my stepfather sexually abused me.  I have vivid memories of this shame and of telling my mother.  She didn't and still does not believe me; she's still married to the man who did this to me.  I was taken away from my mother at the age of 7 when a teacher, the wonderful and caring Suzanne Dubois (sp?) finally believed me and the state was notified.  My stepfather was eventually convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison with parole being a possibility after 5.  It is the sad state of the judicial system that he served 2 and 1/2 years.  My mother chose him and therefore lost custody of me, her firstborn.  That is the background for this particular story.

Today on my weekly phone call my mother sounded down and resentful.  I have heard resentful before.  It typically follows when I refuse to go on a joint vacation with my child molesting step father, but I digress. When I asked my mom what was wrong she said that her son-in-law had found out about my stepfather's record and no longer wanted for them to keep his infant daughter, their granddaughter.  This is of course my fault.  This is my "story" once again coming back and biting them.  I concluded the phone call quickly, but I have spent all evening contemplating this turn of events.

My mother of course wanted me to apologize; to recant the "lie" I told so many years ago.  It does not matter that I am being truthful.  She wants to escape the consequences.  Which leads me into my main topic; consequences.  I want to post a quote on my wall.  It says, "While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”   Consequences are the results of our actions and we cannot possibly know the all of the outcomes of each of our actions. For example, I'm sure that while my mother understood she would lose her firstborn daughter and found that consequence acceptable, she is not finding these particular consequences to her liking.   I do feel for her, I know she didn't foresee this as happening but I cannot take away her consequences.  I love her and I know this must be so painful for her but this is the result of her first decision nearly 20 years ago. 

I too have suffered from the consequences of my actions.  Who hasn't?  I believe that the biggest thing we must learn in life is to make good choices so that our consequences are blessings in our lives.  One small action is the drop in the pond that creates ripples.  Each ripple changes the entire landscape of the pond as do each of our consequences.  I know that I have learned something very important.  That my actions will come back to me either in the form of good or bad.  Call it karma or whatever you wish but you can't escape the decisions you make.  I want to make the decisions know that when I get the consequences in twenty years I'll be pretty happy. 

My paltry advice is to make good choices so good things happens, because when you bad choices bad things happen.  This is Life 101. 

Here are some pics from a family activity that has nothing to do with the above rant/ disjointed article on consequences. 

Peanut Butter face

Lora-Loo and Me

Peek-A-Boo

Daddy and Loralei

Gratitude and Joy

Last Weekend was General Conference.  I loved loved LOVED it!  It was the spiritual recharge that I needed.  I am so grateful that I have found this Gospel!  I have many favorite talks but my absolute favorite was from the beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson.  It was his talk on The Divine Gift of Gratitude.  You can find it here.  I needed to hear this!  I needed to hear how I should stop focusing on the thing I don't have and put more stock in what I do have.  In contemplating this post all week I keep coming back to the realization that I had some time ago.  I have everything I have ever wanted! 

That sounds like I'm being facetious but of all the things I have ever begged the Divine for I have.  I didn't have a strong family growing up.  My biological mother and father split up before I could remember then together.  Then my mother married a man that made it impossible for her to keep custody of me.  I was put in foster care until they located mt father in another state.  The family drama didn't end there.  Life with my father and his wife, my step-mother was incredibly dysfunctional  and I grew up not really believing that anyone loved me or thought I was worthwhile.  Through all of that I prayed and hoped and dreamed that things would be different one day.  That I would be able to have a ton of kids and a wonderful husband and we would have a life like the Cosby show. 

I'm older now and I know that life is harder than portrayed in a sitcom.  However,  I have my family.  The route that I've taken to get it has been far different than I imagine but I am married to a wonderful man who loves his family more than he loves himself.  Being married to him is such an honor because he's amazing, sexy, and loving.  We're happy and we're in love.  I couldn't ask for more.  My daughter Loralei is a ball of wonder who I love without measure.  To be her mother is the greatest blessing and honor I could ever hope achieve.

This was the point of President Monson's talk.   For everyone to look around and be grateful for the people who make life worth living and to forget the things that only provide false temporary happiness and to not let your gratitude for those people to go unsung.  I'm so grateful for my family and the Gospel that let's us be a forever family.

For personal news, Ry is back to his usual schedule.  Still two jobs but with some time in between and much more sleep.  It's funny how this crazy schedule seems to be normal now.  Loralei is increasing her vocabulary by leaps and bounds.  It's amazing how much she understands.  I've finished the last book of the Fablehaven series and I have to say I LOVE FABLEHAVEN.  Give it a read it's good...that good!  This will be a post without pics but I will make up for it next time!  Be well! 

The Insidious Self-Loathing Cycle

I wanted to talk this week about something that affects most people but especially women.  I got caught in it last night: it's the insidious self-loathing cycle.  Mine started when I really stunk it up at volleyball last night, oh and Loralei cried the whole time.  I don't know anything that can make me feel worse than my daughter's cries.  I am not good at volleyball.  I never played when I was younger and honestly the most I've ever played is right now with a friend's ward.  Last night was the worst I have ever been culminating with me hitting a team mate in the face with the ball.  I cringe just reliving it.  That's how it started.  I felt it creeping up the horrible thoughts telling me I'm a dead weight, that they would be much better without me.  Insidious self-loathing cycle has begun.

So I leave earlier than I normally would because sweet Rory-Roo has lost it big time.  She only wants me and there's nothing to do for it.  I drop by my friend's house and the cycle hits me again.  She can't talk and I take it personally. Should I? No not at all.  Do I?  Big time.  I hear that hateful little voice tell me that I'm not a good friend, why should she want talk?  I drive home.  All the time having these thoughts hammering inside my head like an drum line of dread.  I start feeling tense with the tightness in my chest and throat.  All the sneaky awful thoughts just swirling inside my head and I'm trying to get home hoping to distract myself.

I make it home and sit down at the computer and I am compelled to visit the blog of a former friend, why?  Cause I hate myself right then and some punishment is in order.  She seems happy; her baby is gorgeous and I hurt inside because I love her and I want to be apart of her wonderful life and I miss her.  Seeing her happy makes me so happy for her but sad that I'm no longer apart of it.  Here come the self-loathing telling me that she was right to cast me off.  I am a terrible friend and person.  Luckily by this time I am catching on and just flee to bed with my daughter where I take her every cry personally as a stamp of my ineptitude as a mother.

Boy am I a piece of work?  However, I know I can't be the only one who gets into these cycles.  I know why they happen.  They happen to rob me of my self-worth.  They seek to plunder my self-confidence and to make me forget who's daughter I am.  I watched a video that is circling around facebook that features Gianna Jensen.  She is an abortion survivor and she speaks about the worth of souls.  She exclaims how she knows her Heavenly Father loves her and saved her for a purpose.   She's now one of my heroes.  She shows courage in challenging law makers to stand up for the right to life.  She knows remembers that "worth of souls is great in the sight of God." 

Eventually reading my scriptures and reading how the Nephites once again left the faith even though they had more signs and miracles than ever before that snapped me out of it.  See, how can I hate myself when I have more proof than ever before that I am beloved of my Heavenly Father?  How can I insist that I am worthless when I have been given ever more responsibility from the Lord?  How can I wallow in my imperfections when I have ever more evidence that my Heavenly Father trusts me to do well?  That was the ending of the insidious self-loathing cycle for me.  I had to realize once again that loathing myself was basically telling Heavenly Father that He is wrong and He's never wrong.  My advice though I am woefully prone to these fits of self-hatred is to remember who is counting on you.  Those that love you know you much better than you know yourself sometimes.  Also, intent really does matter.  Trying to be good and having it blow up in your face is still much more admirable than being to afraid to do anything at all.

To end this long post, here's an update of the McGraw family.  Ry is still working two jobs though this week his second job at the supplement plant decided for him to work ten hour shifts so that he got all of five hours of sleep a night broken up into three-and-a-half and two-and-a-half chunks.  Poor guy!   Then he got work that instead of a half day on Friday at his first job he's working all day Friday and some Saturday.  Le Sigh!  We sure do miss him!  Loralei has become very opinionated and knows how to shake her head for no and nod for yes.  In true Loralei fashion she throws her head each time.  It is the most adorable thing.  Life is hectic crazy busy but oh so blessed.  This is truly the times that I signed up for!!  Here are some pics, I hope you enjoy!