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This week had been full of growing bigger. At my last doctor's appointment, my doctor looked at me and smiled and said " You know at this point you feel like there's no way that you get bigger, but you will...you will." That is not the most comforting thing let me tell you. This week I have started to feel the soreness of getting bigger. Nothing really hurts more than my tummy. Rolling over is such an ordeal now. Ry laughs at my "free willy" flop that I have to do to get over. Being pregnant is so fun ;)
I got to hear from my foster parent's this week. To give a little background, when my mother lost custody of me when I was about 6 and a half, they couldn't find any relatives that would take me so I was placed in a foster home with the Grotelueschen's. That period in my childhood was one of my happiest. Unfortunately we lost touch several time as I grew up. Yesterday, I received an email from my foster Dad asking how I was. I got to tell them that I was going to have a baby and that I was doing well. I'm always happy to give them good news, because for how my life started out, it's amazing that it's going as well as it is. I am so very blessed to have the love of another family far away in Alaska.
I have been reminded that I need to get pregnancy pics posted. Now I haven't because I'm embarrassed. Tho, I am a little awed at the awesomeness of my tummy; the reason has been pure laziness. My job wipes me out and the last thing I feel like doing is posing for pics after work. I promise to have some up soon, at least before I have this baby.
These past few days I have been hit with enormity of it all. I have been stressing non stop about how I am going to actually BE a mom and have all that that entails. Those who know me knows that I'm a worrier. Call it genetics are environmental, but I've always been one who looks for the rainy day. So I thought that if I listed my worries that it might help me to bring this unrelenting stress at least down to a point.
1. I'm stressed about $$, I want to be a stay at home mom, but we are not financially solvent on one paycheck. I want to believe that if we just have the faith that we can cut our income by more than half and live with me staying home with Loralei, but I'm really scared. I'm scared because it's going to hard and maybe impossible.
2. I'm stressed about working part time, I don't know if my current company will keep me part time, and if they do will I still be able to be a good mom. I never wanted to be a working mom, but what can you do?
3. I'm worried about just being a mom. I know that during pregnancy is not the best time to evaluate yourself as a person, but I'm kinda lacking in the patience area and I really worry that I won't be a good mom or that I will screw my kid up horribly.
4. I'm really worried about the sheer work of having a baby. The idea of going without sleep and being completely centered on someone else is so scary.
5. Don't get me started on the birth and breastfeeding.
I know that I shouldn't worry, I love babies and I already love Loralei with all my heart. I am so blessed to have this experience and I need to have faith because faith and fear cannot exist in the same person at the same time.
Since, I seem to post more than I write in my journal...yes I'm that pathetic ;)... I wanted to share a wonderful dream I had this morning. I had a dream that Loralei was here and I was holding and I got to smell her and she was nekkid except for a diaper and I was rubbing her back and she little freckles right in between her shoulder blades and the little newborn fuzz that all babies have. And she smelled SO good!! It made me want to have her right now so I can hold her! It was really such a good dream and I was so upset when my alarm went off and woke me up, but bonus snuggle time with Sexy husband!!
I am truly so blessed to have this experience. I let dumb little things scare me about having Loralei like the fear of sleep deprivation and breastfeeding but I should know that this is just right and what is planned for me. I'm so excited to be a mother and I can't wait to meet my little girl.
Last night I had my first dream about actually birthing Loralei. It was fantastic, and if my actual birth was like this, yeah I think I could handle it. However I know its my subconscious way to try to shield me from the birthing experience. In my dream, I was in bed asleep with my husband and I felt like I was dilating (no pain) and that I was going to give birth. So Ryan my husband who's asleep beside me says just go with it. So I start pushing and soon the head is out and so is the rest of the baby. She's a little small cause get this, she's only 6 months and a day in the womb, but that doesn't really effect her. And I call my Mom (from AL) and have her take care of the umbilical cord. Then I start nursing Loralei and everything is ok. Then the HUGE worry that I have (not that i just gave birth at 6 months or at home in my bed) is that I had my baby too early and I'm going to have to tell work. And I spend the rest of the dream trying to call work to tell them that I've had my baby and will need to start my maternity leave immediately.
Wow, what a dream. Tho, I have to be honest, if the the birth happens as painlessly in my dream I would not complain. :)
Drum roll please!! Ryan and I are going to have a little girl!! We've decided on a name (99% sure) of Loralei Grace. It was amazing to see her at the ultrasound. It was Ry's first time to see or hear her heartbeat so it was really special to watch him with his just expression of wonder. I told him "See I have been working hard!" She look really healthy, we have a profile picture where she's doing a perfect mountain pose (yoga) and there's a really great one the doctor has of her lips and you can see her little nose too. It was simply magical. I was worried that Ry would be sad that it was a girl but he was so happy that she was healthy and real..I guess.
This month is Ry's birthday, on Friday we and a big group of friends and family are going out to the BrickOven pizzeria in Provo to celebrate. Ry picked out his presents and I picked out a super secret surprise present. He never reads this so I can say that's it's a new wedding ring so that he can always be reminded of the family he has at home. And I was able to get the exact same one. I hope he hangs onto this one a bit longer than the last one.
I'm really enjoying being pregnant right now, its amazing to feel Rory rolling around in there and she cracks me up. Ry is a little like Darla (Finding Nemo) with the shaking and the "Wake up Baby" but I think she'll still like him when she's born ;) He'll be the really fun one :P I feel so much better than I did in the 1st trimester and I could see me doing this 3 more times now. That's a definite plus. I'm six month next week so time is passing quickly.
I can't wait for winter to end! Lucky us we get a little break on the first weekend in March where Ryan and I are going to have a little anniversary trip. Our first anniversary and I'll be 7 months pregnant. Hee hee. I love him more than ever!
I am officially halfway through this awesome, strange, wonderful journey of being pregnant. I need to post pictures. I have definitely started to show and we find out about the gender of the baby on Jan 8th (Next Thursday). I'm so excited.
Since my halfway mark almost syncs up with the new year, I've been thinking about how to make the second half of my pregnancy better than the first half. One of the major things is for me to laugh more, so here's something that really made me laugh.
Count your blessings
• The penis of a rhinoceros is 2 feet long.
• The penis of a mosquito is a hundredth of an inch long.
• The praying mantis bites her mate's head off while he impregnates her.
• Elephants are pregnant for two years.
• Many animals give birth to a dozen or more babies at a time.
• Your baby won't be born with hooves.
~Babycenter.com
I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive and understanding of me during this wild strange ride. This is truly the most awesome thing I have ever done in my life. Only 20 more weeks to go!!
Hi One and All!Happy Thanksgiving! I love the holiday season because it gives us time to be grateful for all that we have. I am so grateful for so many things. I'm grateful for the life growing and developing inside me. I'm grateful for my wonderful husband who loves and supports me through this turbulent time in my life. I'm really really grateful for my body which is doing these amazing things without any conscious help from me.I can't be thankful enough for my friends and my family. They help me to be better and always save my butt when I bite off too much. I am so grateful. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and a joyful holiday season.
So a pretty monumental milestone for me, I have less than 200 days of pregnancy remaining. I am technically 12 weeks pregnant today and I'm so excited cause this seems to be a semi-permanent thing, for nine months at least. I am really excited and have been dreaming a ton about Baby. I always dream about a girl but Ry insists on the child being a son. We'll see in about 2 months. Actually I am really up in the air about finding out. I think I'm going to put it to a vote. There's pros and cons either way. Honestly the nursery is gonna be green no matter what. I have found the cutest crib things at Target and I'm thinking it will be a white crib. I want to find out, so I can prepare but then again that surprise is something that would be great as well...I am doing better, I have been really sick and tired but as the pregnancy progresses I am feeling better. I am waiting for that fabled second trimester that is supposed to be much more fun! I am learning to appreciate my body in ways I never have before and I'm really blessed to have this opportunity. Until next time, pretty soon there will be belly pics :P
To all those who have wondered about my blog drought, I have good news! It's over! I didn't want to blog and not tell my news which is that I'm pregnant! I am gonna have a baby, me of all people! I am 10 weeks and 1 day pregnant and I have known 5 weeks. And you know me, I couldn't keep it a secret. I wanted to wait until it was a little bit more sure. Ry and I are so excited tho! Just FYI, I will try to post some pics later!
My wonderful friend Abby wrote this and I thought that I would add the things that I would do if I could not fail. 1. I would be a wonderful mom who nurtures and loves her children and leads them along the path of righteousness
2. I would spread the gospel among my family and friends, and let them know the joy and peace I feel.3. I would become an author who makes the world a better place because of her books.
4. I would go earn multiple degrees in everything that interests me.
5. I would design my own home and build it from the plans and make it mine; with turrets, secret rooms, and slides
6. I would build a beautiful garden to bring joy and beauty to my home.
7. I would become physically fit and finally look like the person that I feel like on the inside.
8. I would become a master macguyver chef who can make great food out of common ingredients.
9. I would start a bed and breakfast and help make people's vacation's fantastic.
10. I would travel a whole lot more and see more of this beautiful world.
11. I would keep my temper and be sweet, loving, and patient. (Ry would like that)
12. I would sing more in public.
13. I would learn to paint.
14. I would put myself out there a lot more.
15. I would try to convince my husband to move to the beach somewhere.
There are many more but I know, but seeing this list makes me think of all the things that I should be trying and I'm not and how I need to stop worrying about failing. Life is about the journey not the destination!
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