Ups and Downs of Life

This past weekend was full of ups and downs. I struggle with one thing and that is that I always want to know the end from the beginning. I want to know how things work out before I even try them. I know that my past and childhood has made me so desire security that I am paralyzed to take risks. What this typically means is that I really get bent out of shape when things don't work out to plan and sometimes I get bitter. Saturday was one of those days. We went maternity swim suit shopping which may be fun to so cutely preggo gals. But for me it was so sad cause for the first time I got to see my stomach in a full length mirror. Being pregnant doesn't bother me, what it is doing to my skin is what bothers me. I look like I have a map of Rome on my stomach. Now the unfailing optimist in me wants to say that Heavenly Father loves me SO much that he wanted to give me another reason to always be modest. :P But it really made me sad. I don't know I just don't feel attractive anymore...and it's pretty permanent.

The other thing that came up was that some money that I was really counting on to get our savings and baby fund started fell through so we have little opportunity to put anything away for a rainy day before Loralei arrives. That paired with Ry not working full weeks has started to really put a strain on me. So on Saturday when I found out about our lack of funds I got really bitter and upset. I just couldn't understand why this one thing couldn't work out for us when it has worked out for so many people that I know. This carried on through Sunday, when miracles of miracles it seemed like all the hymns were picked out especially for me. In Relief Society we sang "Lead Thou Me On" (?) and it really reminded me that I need to be able to trust like a child in the dark that I will be led to all paths that are good for me and my family.

My worries haven't all gone away. In fact, I am still struggling a bit, but I am able to say without a shadow of a doubt that though my path may seem difficult and my burden heavy I have the love and guidance of a wonderful Heavenly Father who just loves me too good to let me be alone when I'm in need.