So I leave earlier than I normally would because sweet Rory-Roo has lost it big time. She only wants me and there's nothing to do for it. I drop by my friend's house and the cycle hits me again. She can't talk and I take it personally. Should I? No not at all. Do I? Big time. I hear that hateful little voice tell me that I'm not a good friend, why should she want talk? I drive home. All the time having these thoughts hammering inside my head like an drum line of dread. I start feeling tense with the tightness in my chest and throat. All the sneaky awful thoughts just swirling inside my head and I'm trying to get home hoping to distract myself.
I make it home and sit down at the computer and I am compelled to visit the blog of a former friend, why? Cause I hate myself right then and some punishment is in order. She seems happy; her baby is gorgeous and I hurt inside because I love her and I want to be apart of her wonderful life and I miss her. Seeing her happy makes me so happy for her but sad that I'm no longer apart of it. Here come the self-loathing telling me that she was right to cast me off. I am a terrible friend and person. Luckily by this time I am catching on and just flee to bed with my daughter where I take her every cry personally as a stamp of my ineptitude as a mother.
Boy am I a piece of work? However, I know I can't be the only one who gets into these cycles. I know why they happen. They happen to rob me of my self-worth. They seek to plunder my self-confidence and to make me forget who's daughter I am. I watched a video that is circling around facebook that features Gianna Jensen. She is an abortion survivor and she speaks about the worth of souls. She exclaims how she knows her Heavenly Father loves her and saved her for a purpose. She's now one of my heroes. She shows courage in challenging law makers to stand up for the right to life. She knows remembers that "worth of souls is great in the sight of God."
Eventually reading my scriptures and reading how the Nephites once again left the faith even though they had more signs and miracles than ever before that snapped me out of it. See, how can I hate myself when I have more proof than ever before that I am beloved of my Heavenly Father? How can I insist that I am worthless when I have been given ever more responsibility from the Lord? How can I wallow in my imperfections when I have ever more evidence that my Heavenly Father trusts me to do well? That was the ending of the insidious self-loathing cycle for me. I had to realize once again that loathing myself was basically telling Heavenly Father that He is wrong and He's never wrong. My advice though I am woefully prone to these fits of self-hatred is to remember who is counting on you. Those that love you know you much better than you know yourself sometimes. Also, intent really does matter. Trying to be good and having it blow up in your face is still much more admirable than being to afraid to do anything at all.
To end this long post, here's an update of the McGraw family. Ry is still working two jobs though this week his second job at the supplement plant decided for him to work ten hour shifts so that he got all of five hours of sleep a night broken up into three-and-a-half and two-and-a-half chunks. Poor guy! Then he got work that instead of a half day on Friday at his first job he's working all day Friday and some Saturday. Le Sigh! We sure do miss him! Loralei has become very opinionated and knows how to shake her head for no and nod for yes. In true Loralei fashion she throws her head each time. It is the most adorable thing. Life is hectic crazy busy but oh so blessed. This is truly the times that I signed up for!! Here are some pics, I hope you enjoy!
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