Christmas Photo

I LOVE Christmas!  Christmas is the one holiday that makes me feel like a kid again.  I am all aflutter about Loralei opening her presents which include a mini cleaning kit, a rocking horse, puzzles and a stocking full of little toys.  Man, I'm so excited!  Also I'm curious to see what my darling husband has hidden away for me.  The anticipation is awful and I hope it lasts. 

We got professional Christmas pictures made,  I don't count myself quite photogenic but this one is quite good.  I love Loralei's face.  I think there is pure hatred there.  Not for the photographer but for the whole situation.  Being dressed up, having to pose, just everything.  I still love it. 

Tell me what you think.

Merry Christmas!  I hope each of you have a great Christmas filled with wonder and magic as all Christmases should be.

Catch-Up

I am so horrible at the daily blogging.  Honestly, I needed some time to adjust to all the things going before I recorded it in the great beyond that is the Internet.  Here are some pics and then I'll give ya'll an update.

Isn't she the cutest Little Devil you've ever seen?  She's with her friend Zoey, who is the most adorable Panda Bear I've ever seen.  Yes, this is Halloween pictures but I just got them and I wanted to share.

Life is awesome.  Winter had come to Happy Valley, Utah.  It's been frigid and snowy for a while now.  I'm definitely looking forward to Spring already!  Luckily we have some super fun winter plans coming up that makes all of it worth it.

Loralei is thriving.  She is talking all the time and has learned the dreaded word "No."  I'm ok with that because so far she hasn't been too horrible with it.  My favorite is that she has learned to say "I Love You" which just makes the birds sing and the sun shine in my heart .  She is exquisite.

We're all getting over lovely colds.  Mine seems to be sticking around the longest but it's on it's way out.   It needs to leave soon because I'm ready for a good night sleep again. 

Christmas tree is up and I'll post a picture.  I am very proud.  My friend Karalee has passed the craft bug and I have to say that my tree is very crafty especially the presents underneath.

I am blessed! Special shout out to Abby who I got to introduce to Dr Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog.  I had a blast and we should do it again soon! 

Lessons Learned

I'm sorry it has been nearly two weeks since I've posted. I quite literally needed to take a breath and process before I could share all that has changed in just these two weeks. In response to last post I received a phone call from some one involved with the situation. Due to the sensitivity of the events involved I'm being intentionally vague. However, she told me that there was a different reason for the granddaughter to be removed. Once that my mother knew of when blaming me for the situation and that I should put my mind at ease.

Also, a big emotional change for me was getting the court papers to my molestation case. Reading them was like reading a story of some one else. The biggest shock came when I read my mother's testimony against me. I guess that was really all I needed to hear to realize I need a break. I love my mother and I honor her for bringing me into the world, but her actions have hurt me and for me to move on with my life and continue with being the best mother I can be, I need a break.

On other news, Loralei is going to be the cutest tutu-ed devil for Halloween! We had a Halloween photo shoot and she is adorable. I will have those pics posted as soon as I can. I love Halloween and I love taking Halloween photos. Loralei has also pretty much successfully stopped breastfeeding. (I tried weaning, but I hate that word.) It has been pretty much painless and tearless and for that I'm so grateful. I have adored breastfeeding my child and I hope that all who can will nurse their children as well. The emotional bonding and physical benefits make it something I am very passionate about. I think that would be my second top dream job, possibly my first; helping women to have that amazing experience of nursing.

Life is good and I am so grateful for my blessings. Here are my joys.

Consequences and Life 101

Trail at Cascade Springs, Utah

I talked to my biological mom today.  I have to make the distinction because I have three woman who at different times and for completely different motivations were/are my mother ( a different story for a different time).  I call my biological mother every Wednesday.  I do this because she brought me into this world and despite whatever has occurred after that momentous occasion I owe her a weekly call.  She lives in Virginia and the last time I saw her it was December 2004 so finding things to talk about is pretty difficult since we live completely different lives and there's an elephant in the room. 

I was molested when I was a young child.  From about the age of 3 to the age of 7, my stepfather sexually abused me.  I have vivid memories of this shame and of telling my mother.  She didn't and still does not believe me; she's still married to the man who did this to me.  I was taken away from my mother at the age of 7 when a teacher, the wonderful and caring Suzanne Dubois (sp?) finally believed me and the state was notified.  My stepfather was eventually convicted and sentenced to 20 years in prison with parole being a possibility after 5.  It is the sad state of the judicial system that he served 2 and 1/2 years.  My mother chose him and therefore lost custody of me, her firstborn.  That is the background for this particular story.

Today on my weekly phone call my mother sounded down and resentful.  I have heard resentful before.  It typically follows when I refuse to go on a joint vacation with my child molesting step father, but I digress. When I asked my mom what was wrong she said that her son-in-law had found out about my stepfather's record and no longer wanted for them to keep his infant daughter, their granddaughter.  This is of course my fault.  This is my "story" once again coming back and biting them.  I concluded the phone call quickly, but I have spent all evening contemplating this turn of events.

My mother of course wanted me to apologize; to recant the "lie" I told so many years ago.  It does not matter that I am being truthful.  She wants to escape the consequences.  Which leads me into my main topic; consequences.  I want to post a quote on my wall.  It says, "While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of our actions.”   Consequences are the results of our actions and we cannot possibly know the all of the outcomes of each of our actions. For example, I'm sure that while my mother understood she would lose her firstborn daughter and found that consequence acceptable, she is not finding these particular consequences to her liking.   I do feel for her, I know she didn't foresee this as happening but I cannot take away her consequences.  I love her and I know this must be so painful for her but this is the result of her first decision nearly 20 years ago. 

I too have suffered from the consequences of my actions.  Who hasn't?  I believe that the biggest thing we must learn in life is to make good choices so that our consequences are blessings in our lives.  One small action is the drop in the pond that creates ripples.  Each ripple changes the entire landscape of the pond as do each of our consequences.  I know that I have learned something very important.  That my actions will come back to me either in the form of good or bad.  Call it karma or whatever you wish but you can't escape the decisions you make.  I want to make the decisions know that when I get the consequences in twenty years I'll be pretty happy. 

My paltry advice is to make good choices so good things happens, because when you bad choices bad things happen.  This is Life 101. 

Here are some pics from a family activity that has nothing to do with the above rant/ disjointed article on consequences. 

Peanut Butter face

Lora-Loo and Me

Peek-A-Boo

Daddy and Loralei

Gratitude and Joy

Last Weekend was General Conference.  I loved loved LOVED it!  It was the spiritual recharge that I needed.  I am so grateful that I have found this Gospel!  I have many favorite talks but my absolute favorite was from the beloved prophet Thomas S. Monson.  It was his talk on The Divine Gift of Gratitude.  You can find it here.  I needed to hear this!  I needed to hear how I should stop focusing on the thing I don't have and put more stock in what I do have.  In contemplating this post all week I keep coming back to the realization that I had some time ago.  I have everything I have ever wanted! 

That sounds like I'm being facetious but of all the things I have ever begged the Divine for I have.  I didn't have a strong family growing up.  My biological mother and father split up before I could remember then together.  Then my mother married a man that made it impossible for her to keep custody of me.  I was put in foster care until they located mt father in another state.  The family drama didn't end there.  Life with my father and his wife, my step-mother was incredibly dysfunctional  and I grew up not really believing that anyone loved me or thought I was worthwhile.  Through all of that I prayed and hoped and dreamed that things would be different one day.  That I would be able to have a ton of kids and a wonderful husband and we would have a life like the Cosby show. 

I'm older now and I know that life is harder than portrayed in a sitcom.  However,  I have my family.  The route that I've taken to get it has been far different than I imagine but I am married to a wonderful man who loves his family more than he loves himself.  Being married to him is such an honor because he's amazing, sexy, and loving.  We're happy and we're in love.  I couldn't ask for more.  My daughter Loralei is a ball of wonder who I love without measure.  To be her mother is the greatest blessing and honor I could ever hope achieve.

This was the point of President Monson's talk.   For everyone to look around and be grateful for the people who make life worth living and to forget the things that only provide false temporary happiness and to not let your gratitude for those people to go unsung.  I'm so grateful for my family and the Gospel that let's us be a forever family.

For personal news, Ry is back to his usual schedule.  Still two jobs but with some time in between and much more sleep.  It's funny how this crazy schedule seems to be normal now.  Loralei is increasing her vocabulary by leaps and bounds.  It's amazing how much she understands.  I've finished the last book of the Fablehaven series and I have to say I LOVE FABLEHAVEN.  Give it a read it's good...that good!  This will be a post without pics but I will make up for it next time!  Be well! 

The Insidious Self-Loathing Cycle

I wanted to talk this week about something that affects most people but especially women.  I got caught in it last night: it's the insidious self-loathing cycle.  Mine started when I really stunk it up at volleyball last night, oh and Loralei cried the whole time.  I don't know anything that can make me feel worse than my daughter's cries.  I am not good at volleyball.  I never played when I was younger and honestly the most I've ever played is right now with a friend's ward.  Last night was the worst I have ever been culminating with me hitting a team mate in the face with the ball.  I cringe just reliving it.  That's how it started.  I felt it creeping up the horrible thoughts telling me I'm a dead weight, that they would be much better without me.  Insidious self-loathing cycle has begun.

So I leave earlier than I normally would because sweet Rory-Roo has lost it big time.  She only wants me and there's nothing to do for it.  I drop by my friend's house and the cycle hits me again.  She can't talk and I take it personally. Should I? No not at all.  Do I?  Big time.  I hear that hateful little voice tell me that I'm not a good friend, why should she want talk?  I drive home.  All the time having these thoughts hammering inside my head like an drum line of dread.  I start feeling tense with the tightness in my chest and throat.  All the sneaky awful thoughts just swirling inside my head and I'm trying to get home hoping to distract myself.

I make it home and sit down at the computer and I am compelled to visit the blog of a former friend, why?  Cause I hate myself right then and some punishment is in order.  She seems happy; her baby is gorgeous and I hurt inside because I love her and I want to be apart of her wonderful life and I miss her.  Seeing her happy makes me so happy for her but sad that I'm no longer apart of it.  Here come the self-loathing telling me that she was right to cast me off.  I am a terrible friend and person.  Luckily by this time I am catching on and just flee to bed with my daughter where I take her every cry personally as a stamp of my ineptitude as a mother.

Boy am I a piece of work?  However, I know I can't be the only one who gets into these cycles.  I know why they happen.  They happen to rob me of my self-worth.  They seek to plunder my self-confidence and to make me forget who's daughter I am.  I watched a video that is circling around facebook that features Gianna Jensen.  She is an abortion survivor and she speaks about the worth of souls.  She exclaims how she knows her Heavenly Father loves her and saved her for a purpose.   She's now one of my heroes.  She shows courage in challenging law makers to stand up for the right to life.  She knows remembers that "worth of souls is great in the sight of God." 

Eventually reading my scriptures and reading how the Nephites once again left the faith even though they had more signs and miracles than ever before that snapped me out of it.  See, how can I hate myself when I have more proof than ever before that I am beloved of my Heavenly Father?  How can I insist that I am worthless when I have been given ever more responsibility from the Lord?  How can I wallow in my imperfections when I have ever more evidence that my Heavenly Father trusts me to do well?  That was the ending of the insidious self-loathing cycle for me.  I had to realize once again that loathing myself was basically telling Heavenly Father that He is wrong and He's never wrong.  My advice though I am woefully prone to these fits of self-hatred is to remember who is counting on you.  Those that love you know you much better than you know yourself sometimes.  Also, intent really does matter.  Trying to be good and having it blow up in your face is still much more admirable than being to afraid to do anything at all.

To end this long post, here's an update of the McGraw family.  Ry is still working two jobs though this week his second job at the supplement plant decided for him to work ten hour shifts so that he got all of five hours of sleep a night broken up into three-and-a-half and two-and-a-half chunks.  Poor guy!   Then he got work that instead of a half day on Friday at his first job he's working all day Friday and some Saturday.  Le Sigh!  We sure do miss him!  Loralei has become very opinionated and knows how to shake her head for no and nod for yes.  In true Loralei fashion she throws her head each time.  It is the most adorable thing.  Life is hectic crazy busy but oh so blessed.  This is truly the times that I signed up for!!  Here are some pics, I hope you enjoy!

The Solution to "Perfection" Blues

An Old Picture but doesn't she look happy!

I am writing a plethora of posts today to make up for my blogging negligence.  I read an blog post on perfection recently that really spoke to me.  That post can be found here http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html.  Basically the article summed up how I have been feeling lately in my life.  Since I last wrote, I have moved, lost a really good friend, and become the wife of someone who works two jobs.  It's been busy to say the least.  I have really felt overwhelmed to be better, to strive for that perfection that it seems like everyone else has.  This article helped me put it in perspective. 

I struggle with inadequacy, and that struggle makes me even more likely to fail.  It's a bitter never ending cycle. There's a post on hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com that makes describes this struggle perfectly.  I warn you there is some language.  You can find it here. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html.  I burn myself out because I make all these goals and "life altering changes" and it's so hard to change.  I reach my threshold for change pretty quickly and pretty soon my house is a mess again, I leave the house without makeup, and eat nutella by the spoonful. 

The perfection post made a point that I need to internalize that to be better I need to admit my problems, admit my struggles and be real.  Reading the comments for his post made me realize that I'm not alone and I should be proud that I am a part of humanity, everyone makes mistakes and everyone needs something or someone else.  This brings to my mind the atonement.  I can't hold onto my idea of "perfection" and take part of the atonement.  I cannot try to make myself perfect and fully take part in the sacrifice of the Savior.  If I have picked up a bad habit since joining the LDS faith is that I have forgotten how much grace, the Savior's grace, has to make me perfect.  Perfection in the eyes of society is impossible and even more impossible to obtain is in both the eyes of society and perfection  in the Gospel.  I need to prioritize and learn one of the most important gospel principles. It's found in my favorite book, the Book of Mormon, 2nd Nephi 2:25: Adam fell that men might be, men are that they might have joy.

There's the answer to "perfection"...joy.  I resolve here and now to have more joy, spread more joy, and give more joy.  I will fully take part of the atonement so that I can one day obtain the only perfection that matters.  I am going to be researching this idea and trying to find ways of fostering more joy.  This is a wonderful forum for a discussion on what joy is how to find.  Please leave a comment on what gives you joy and helps to deal with the "impefections" in your life. 

Until next time, and it won't be months and months.  Bask in the joy of being alive and Autumn.

Latest Pics

Here are just a few pics from the summer. I had to take a little break from blogging. Life has been super stressful and crazy. I am ready to return and I will once again dazzle the internet with my musings and stories of toddlerdom.

Chance to Win Your Own Christmas Gift!

I haven't written in a long time. Life has changed so much that I don't know where to begin. I did want to mention this webpage to make Christmas crafts. I am in a craft group and I want to make something Christmas-ey. I really like the ideas at http://www.craftbits.com/christmas-crafts. There's so many to choose from and I am so excited to get started!

One Year Old

One year ago today my wonderful daughter was born. I cannot even describe the love and joy she has brought into my life. I've been spending all morning reliving the miracle that was her entrance into this world. The waking up anxious knowing that this morning I was going to meet my child. The jittery anxiety that I felt getting dressed in the hospital gown and being prepped for surgery. The sheer joy I heard at that first cry and seeing her for the first time. I treasure my child. The love I have for her surpasses my understanding.

Loralei took three steps yesterday. Three steps into my arms. I am so proud of all the things she is learning and doing. This is it this is the joy I've been searching my whole life for. I love my family and I am truly grateful. Truly my cup overfloweth.

Now here are some pics.

Wow It's Been Awhile

It is April 12th already! I can't believe that Loralei is 11 months. Here is a run down of the things she can do now

1. She can stand, but only when no one is looking or cheering or generally paying attention to her in any way. She "accidentally" stands and the look on her face is priceless.
2. She waves all the time everywhere. She loves going thru WalMart just waving.
3. She gives high fives! Well holds up her hands to let you give her a high five.
4. She knows ALL of Pattey-Cake and loves to "toss it in the oven," tho my personal favorite is when she "rolls it and rolls it."
5. She can say "Bomp Pa" for grandpa, MumMum for me, Dad-Dat for her daddy, "Whaz-dat or Whoz -dat" for what's or who's that, and "NA NA NA" for ninny or breastfeeding, and many more I can't seem to remember right now.

She's such a blessing to have around. She is in to everything and pulls everything out every chance she gets tho I wouldn't have it any other way. She's learning so much.

About non-Rory related news. Ryan and I had our tow year anniversary. It is wonderful being married to the person Heavenly Father deemed just for you. :) We went to St. George and we have a few pics that I will upload later. Sorry this will be a picture-less post. :(

Easter was wonderful. Also, I have lost down to pre wedding weight. Woohoo for me! My life has been so completely blessed and I'm so grateful that I have been blessed with all I have. I can't end this post without talking about the awesomeness that was General Conference. We are so blessed as a church to hear from our prophet twice a year and this session was so meaningful to me. I loved Sister Beck's talk and admire her courage. I believe that the messages were so beautiful and encouraging. I'm glad that I am a mother in Zion truly.

Until next time, please take care!

Photos and Updates

Here are some pics that I promised. We are hanging in here waiting for our St. George trip to come around. It's going to be a blast! Loralei is 9 months old and she is crawling and trying really hard to walk. She's growing up way too fast.

I am still on my weight loss program tho I've hit a plateau and have been around the 20 lb mark for two months now. I'm recommitting myself to losing 35lbs. before summer.

We can't wait for Spring and are having so so much fun being parents and living life.

Crawling! And what I'm looking at...

Rory Roo is crawling! She pretty much started two days ago and now no room or low shelf is safe from...The Ravager! LOL She is so funny she followed me to the shower yesterday and was knocking on the door. Part of me is so excited that Loralei is crawling where as the other part of me is so sad that I've lost my immobile baby. They truly grow up so fast.

So most now I work at home on the internet 4 hours a day. I love my job and I am truly blessed to have it. It does how ever give me the opportunity to be online more than maybe someone else. I have have found some truly hilarious site. I suggest you check out the Sleep Talkin' Man. Warning this site has some language but as a fellow sleep talker his nite time ramblings crack me up. I also like mentalfloss.com. It's a site for knowledge junkie and has all sorts of articles that I love to read everyday. Also, if you don't already be sure to check out fark.com. It's a site for all the news and "notnews" of the day with a sarcastic slant.

No pics this time. Will upload some soon.

And now we have video!!

Ok so this is Rory. I know this is strange but I was trying to get her to yell. She does a little and it's adorable. I will get better on the camera work! I promise!

20 Pounds Down!!

Wooohooo! I have officially lost 20 pounds! My diet is going well, I have to thank breastfeeding and my Wii Fit for providing me with the means to work off more calories.

Loralei and I are recovering from a cold. I can't stand being sick. This cold was a doozy. I wonder why I get so sick when I'm exposed to less germs being at home. It's really true kids are grubby little germ carriers. I read recently that scientists now believe that your appendix is used for a warehouse of sorts for your immune system. Maybe that's my problem! My immune system has no back up storage!

We went to the car show on Saturday to celebrate Ry's birthday. That boy better love me! 4.5 hours of looking at cars with a cold. We found some cars that we really like tho. We really like the Chevy Traverse. It's really roomy and the seats fold down like a breeze. The next our list is the Ford Explorer but their seats are really tough to get down and behind. There's like 3 steps and I don't think any child would bother with all three steps. The Chevy Traverse is also a good bit cheaper and really nice inside. I would love for that to be my next car.

Here are some pictures that I haven't posted.

Christmas, Rory's first Winter

I'm sorry for the blogging delay. I have been diligently blogging on my weight loss blog and things have been so crazy busy and add a penchant for laziness and you have my lack contributing. We took Christmas pictures of Loralei. I hand-made that tutu. It was pretty easy, I did make it afterall and we had such a good time getting Rory to mug for the camera. Here are some pics of all of us around the holidays. The last pic is of me and Rory walking around the neighborhood. It's about 30 degrees Fahrenheit on average everyday. So I will rig her up in her sling and put my coat on over her. We walk all around the neighborhood and it makes me so happy to get out and get some sunshine. Life is wonderful Our new year's resolutions are still going strong. And I have lost over 16.5 pounds since starting my diet.

For Christmas we got a Wii Fit and we have so much fun with it. I can tell I am getting fitter. Ryan got me a gorgeous necklace and out first date movie "The Princess Bride" and Wii Music. I got him a model car, two model rockets, a tools to put those together. Rory got the best haul. We bought her several toys and about 18 books, we found them on sale. The inlaws got us sleeping bags.

Ry's birthday is coming up. I already have gotten him his gifts. I can reveal it here. I found the best deal on a golf club set for lefties. I am trying really hard to surprise him, it's been really difficult so far. He's taken me to Big 5 to look at golf club sets and talked on and on about it. I've been forced to tell him I have bought his gift and to not look too hard for it in our apartment. It's really hidden at his parents! Teehee! We're gonna go to the car show this weekend and next weekend he'll get them at his family Bday celebration. I'm such a good wifey. Enjoy the pics!