HUGE Announcements

Tomorrow I start a hardcore diet. I joined Weight Watchers again. Last time I did Weight Watchers I lost 30 pounds in time to meet the love of my life and get married. Now a year and a half and one bouncing baby girl later I am back to where I started adding about 15 pounds. I want to get in shape for our next trip down pregnancy lane and well as develop the healthy habits to share with Rory. I want her to have a healthy mom who has a healthy relationship with food. That starts tomorrow. I have 32 points daily and 35 weekly splurge points. Check out my progress at crusinforlosin.blogspot.com.

Second HUGE announcement is that Ry found a permanent job! Ok, so it's temporary for 90 days but after that it could be permanent. It's at an American Fork company called Twin Labs and he does maintenance on their capsule making machines and pretty much around the whole facility. They have him working some crazy hours right now. He works 6 PM to 6AM seven days a week. We miss him terribly at home, but we know that this is only temporary and feel such gratitude for such a steady job in this economy. I am so grateful for my hardworking hubby and love him so so much!

Rory is growing faster every day. She is now 6 months old and can sit up by herself. She is now the proud owner of two teeth. She weighs 18.6 and is 28 inches tall. She laughs all the time now and is such a great joy to her father and I.

Finally I want to share my gratitude for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. We had stake conference last weekend and the adult session focused heavily on family history. The church has released a new familysearch website to help people like me who do not have much to go on. I can't wait until I can start exploring this resource and aid in "gathering my family safely in."

Blessings, Blessings, and More Blessings!

I haven't written in a while, I don't really have a great excuse. I have been busy tho. So here's the news.

I got a stay-at-home job! Lindsey, my sister-in-law, told me that her company BidSync was hiring. I put in an application and went into the interview. I honestly didn't know if this was Heavenly Father's will or not so I just prated that His will be done no matter what and that I could just present myself in the best light possible. Well, this must be Heavenly Father's will because I got the job the very next day. It's part time, online and I make pretty decent money. This position affords my family a little breathing room in case Ryan ever loses his job again. The work is great and I love what I'm doing. Rory isn't a fan of having to entertain herself for 4-5 hours a day but she's adjusting.

I have also gotten in touch with my foster family once more. The Grotelueshen's were such an important part of my life and now we are in almost daily contact once more. I'm especially glad that I am able to talk to Jennifer, my older foster sister. We were so close when we lived together and I always regretted losing contact and I've missed her.

Halloween was awesome!! Loralei was an Auburn Tiger! I put some pictures in from our "Halloween Photoshoot." She didn't quite no what it was about and fell asleep halfway through but she was adorable. Next year we're gonna carve pumpkins and really do it up!

We' been reading the Book of Mormon every nite to fulfill our Bishop's challenge to us to read it before the end of the year. It has really changed the Spirit in our home and I'm so grateful for it's influence in our lives. We have been so amazingly blessed and we've also been able to weather the heartaches of life much more because of it's teachings. It brings me so much close to my Savior to read about a people that looked forward to His coming to hundreds of years and preached of His awesome redeeming power long before He was born on this Earth. I love the Book of Mormon and I'm honored to know of it's truth and greatness.

I will try to be better about writing more often. Oh! If you get a chance you need to to read the Hunger Games Series by Suzanne Collins Such good books! The third does not come out until 2010 so I am warning you now there is a HUGE cliffhanger. As always I would love any and all comments!

Musings of a Stay At Home Mom

These past few weeks have been what being a stay-at-home mom is all about. Loralei can roll over from front to back and now back to front. It's the end of my little non mobile caterpillar. Now I have to keep an eye on her whenever I put her down. Also, she knows that soon she will be able to do more so she gets pretty frustrated just rolling around. She makes me laugh. Here's a picture of frustrates for Rory.



I have been back at reading again. I love to read and I have read some pretty good books recently. I read The Android's Dream by John Scalzi. This isn't my normal fare but that may change. It was a engrossing read set in the future with diplomatic and interplanetary intrigue. I loved the characters who were both humble, witty, and innovative. I would suggest this book to people who want a break from romance for awhile! Also I read The Magician's and Mrs. Quent which was like a fantasy novel mingled with Jane Austen. I really liked the characters and I am looking forward to the rest of the series.

I've been looking for a creative hobby, something that is cheap for me to do and would be both rewarding and engrossing. I'm thinking maybe doing Origami. I think it would be pretty and hey its paper and a book right? Maybe I'll start with the paper and then check out a book from the library. American Fork Library rocks!

Rory Roo is ready to get up from her nap so I must go fetch her.

Summertime Fun

I have been so busy enjoying the summer that I have forgotten to write more often. I have been hiking, swimming, and camping. It's been a wonderful summer! I'm so blessed I've never been on more trips or did more things and here I thought that I would miss out because I'm a mom now. Here are some of the pictures that cronicle our super busy summer.


Carnival with Rory and Ryan


Hiking with Abby, Xander, and Rory


Feeding Rory while we are camping

The summer isn't even over yet! I have loved every minute of being a mom. Loralei is now able to roll over and is almost able to sit up by herself. She laughed out loud for the first time for me today. Man I love that kid!

Other than the baby, Ry is back at his job with Burningham Trucking. It's awesome. We are in Jacob now with the Book of Mormon challenge! We're gonna finish by the end of this year! It has helped our family so much. Ry wants to build a model train layout for all his childhood model trains. I'm trying to get Brad and him to let me make zombies or Harry Potter layout but they aren't having any of it. I have also read a pretty good book, it's called the Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe. It was a mix between historical fiction about the Salem Witch Trials and fictional research based on the trials. I liked it. I also reread the Twilight Saga and I really like those books even more than before but I will never watch the movies! I have heard how much they change and I am just not interested.

The Travels and Doings of Rory Roo

I am averaging about once a month which isn't good! Let me start off by saying how truly grateful I am to have this time with my daughter and how good Heavenly Father truly is to me. Rory is growing so big and is advancing everyday. Today, she rolled over for the first time!

We went to Alabama two weeks ago. It was so nice to see my family and to introduce my little girl. It was a great trip and it left us with a lot to mull over. Rory didn't seem like she liked the humidity much but that takes getting used to.

Since we've been back Rory has started "talking" more and smiling all the time. Her smile is like the sun in my sky. It makes me so happy to see her happy.

Ry is working a temporary job that keeps him working 10-12 hour days. It's only a couple blocks away so he's able to come home for lunch some times. I love that he is so devoted to supporting our family.

Being a stay at home mom is hard on the finances but completely worth it. Nothing I have ever done means more than what I am doing right now. Here are some pics from the last month.

Update

It's been a few weeks since I last posted. Life has been so blissfully busy that I couldn't tear myself away. Rory is doing fantastic. We went to California when she was three weeks old, it was a big surprise trip for us. We didn't decide to go until 9PM the night before. It was a madhouse trying to pack everything for Loralei and ourselves and thankfully we did a good job. Cali was phenominal, I am so truly blessed to have a great family of in-laws who love Rory so good and let us mooch on their fabulous trip. I can now say I have been on the beach on both coast of the country as well as the Gulf of Mexico. It was fantastic I went to Disney Land and rode two rides, hey it was an accomplishment for a 3 weeks out from a c section and nursing Rory every three hours! My favorite part of the trip was the beach it was so beautiful. Here's a picture.



Life after the trip has been so great! Rory has topped ten pounds and learning to gurgle and coo. She is just the love of my life :). I made a slide show of Life after Baby and I'll keep adding to it as we go along. This Sunday is Rory's baby blessing and we went along with Abby and baby Xander to have a blessing outfit photoshoot. I'm so excited to see the pics and they will be posted soon!

Birth Story

I had my daughter Loralei Grace by c section on May 12th, 2009 at 8:27 AM. It was the most amazing experience of my life and I want to write all my memories down know while they are still fresh.

The morning was gorgeous as we drove to the hospital. It was surreal to be driving to have baby when I wasn't having any pain or contractions. It did not feel real. Of course I did not hardly sleep at all the nite before and I was so nervous and thirsty. That was the worst part of the whole of the before surgery, the anxiety and the thirst. As soon as Ry and I arrived, they whisked us to a room so they can start monitoring me and hook me up to an IV. I was so scared and Ry was definitely wired. Here's a picture of me before the surgery. Looking at it now I can't believe how swollen I was.

Ry was so excited. They reeled me into surgery and started my spinal. The spinal was no sweat at all. They local anesthetic didn't even really hurt. However the spinal worked so well that my blood pressure crashed and I started feeling really nauseous and dizzy. The nurse anesthetist had to add some epinephrin to get my blood pressure back up. That was the scariest part of the whole thing but it didn't last long and soon I felt 100% better.

Ry was allowed back in the OR and they started almost right away. I was so numb that I didn't know until someone told me. It was the oddest sensation because I kept feeling the waves of movement right under my chest. They took out 2700 cc's of fluid which is over 90 ounces!! I knew I sloshed but I didn't know there was that much. Then they delivered Loralei. She started crying immediately and I burst into tears. As they were lifting her out Dr Smith said "Jessica, I hope you know that this was the only way this baby was getting out, she didn't even know where the birth canal was." Loralei measured in at 9 pounds and 6 ounces! I can't believe all of what I had inside me! Here is a pic of Loralei when she was freshly evicted.

Big big baby. They took her and Ryan down to the nursery and I was left to get stitched up. The c section was a breeze and honestly not the huge worry that I let it become. The days after were much harder than the surgery itself. All in all tho, my pain has been minimal and I definitely wouldn't fret if all my kids had to be born this way. I will write more on the hospital and the days after in a few days. Feel free to comment!

Pregnancy Pics

I have taken some of my last pregnancy pics this weekend. I'm sure Ry and I will photo document the whole day of the birth but these are the last pics of me out and about (most likely anyway.) Feel free to comment!!

Now that we know that Loralei is coming on Wednesday, I've been thinking about everything that I am going to miss about being pregnant. The realization struck sometime last weekend that I have no idea how to maneuver without my huge stomach. I am actually going to miss it. It has served as my TV tray, attention getter, and my personal favorite free drink getter from 7-11. I will miss my huge stomach because I have had it so long that I don't remember life without it.

I'm so excited for Wednesday! I can't wait for Loralei to get here and for me to be able to see her. Any advice is very welcome!!

C-Section and Other Pregnancy Developments

Wednesday I had my 38 week appointment. I had been looking forward to this appoint since 35 weeks because this was the day that we would discuss induction or basically what our plan will be with the she-hulk child. It did not start out well, we invited Brie to come see my baby on TV this time and when we all arrived at the doctor's office we found out that the ultrasound tech had called in sick and there was no ultrasound. I almost started crying, with all the pregnancy hormones combined with the fact that I hadn't slept well all week. Ry and I went up to our appointment with Dr. Smith just crestfallen.

After a short wait, we were able to see Dr. Smith and I tentatively asked about being induced. We told her about Ry's grandma being in town and how we would love her to be present. Then Dr. Smith laid a bombshell. She told us how since I have literally been measuring full term for five weeks that she would have expected to see more progress than I've been showing and that frankly she thought that I was headed for a C section. Honestly, I have been mentally preparing myself for this for a long time so while it was a shock and dissappointment it was half expected. Dr. Smith was very calm and forthcoming and told use our options of induction or c section and gave us the night to think it over. She asked us to get the ultrasound done at the hospital at 10 pm that night and she would call me on Thursday to talk about what we decided.

We left for home and decided to go shopping since we didn't know when she would decide it was time for Loralei to come. We had a fun time spending all the money that the super generous ladies from my work's CA office gave us. We rested and headed for the ultrasound appointment. Looking at the baby again was just magical. For once, she wasn't being a diva and let us see her face. She is so adorable and looks like one of those fat cherubs. She was even waving her hands, she looks like she had inherited my "fat kindergartener's" hands. It was magical. When it was time to reveal the weight she came in estimated at 9 lbs 2 ounces, plus or minus 22 grams which is just over a pound. I asked the tech about it and he said "That's one big baby...I would go with plus." Hee hee, Ry and I know how to make and grow big babies evidently. That cemented Ry and my decision to follow the doctor's advice of a c section. I have read about how bigger babies have a harder time through the birth canal and since my pelvis is all funnel shaped we just thought that it would be better to follow the doctor's advice and hope for a more normal sized baby next pregnancy.

So C-section it is! It is scheduled for Wednesday the 13th, with the possibility of it being moved up to the 12th. I'm doing my research and being as optimistic as possible. Today is my last day at work which is very bittersweet. It's been tough to work as big as I am, but I really thrive off being needed and work fulfils that for me. I will miss everyone I work with and know I'll have work withdrawals.

I am so excited to have my daughter's birthdate set out and I'm so grateful that she and I are healthy. I have truly been blessed. I am spending this weekend taking my last pregnancy photos and will hopefully upload soon!

Please Oh Please Oh Please!?!

Today is my 38 week appointment and I get to have another ultrasound. I am so very excited to see my baby on TV again, but I am even MORE excited to see her in real life. I am desperately hoping that my doctor will talk to me about inducing Loralei today. I don't necessarily want to be induced today but tomorrow would be great or any other date pretty close to now. I am so ready to not be pregnant anymore and to start the mama phase. I think I really might cry if she doesn't talk to me about it. And the tears are really close to the surface as I've already cried once this morning and almost teared up last nite at dinner. Dumb hormones and lack of sleep. I was awake from 3:00 AM this morning until pretty much when my alarm went off at 5:15 AM. Sleep deprivation is LOVELY :P Just being prepared for Loralei's arrival.

On other news, my husband's grandmother is coming in from Washington today. Ry is SO SO excited. That's another reason why he wants the baby here so badly. Ry's sister Jessica (yep i know :P) is graduating from the University of Utah this week and we're so proud of her! I hope to cement this momentous occasion with my daughter's birth, who now, just fyi, has the hiccups.

Full Term!!

Woot Woot!! I'm finally full term so there is no worries if this little girl decides to make her entrance anytime. I am so ready for her. I am really really tired of being pregnant, well not pregnant persay but tired of being so so big. I'm sorry I don't have very many pictures. I don't have a scanner for pics that are printed out. Maybe Ry and I need to have some sort of photo shoot before Loralei gets here.

My really good friend Abby had her little boy last week. It was a scary emergency situation, but she has truly been blessed by Heavenly Father. Xander was born weighing 3 pounds and 7 ounces and just the cutest little baby ever! The miracle is that even 7 weeks early he is breathing and maintaining his body temperature! We went to see them on Saturday and he is just so adorable. He got Abby's finger toes and definately has looks like a mini CJ! Mom is doing well and was able to go home yesterday. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father blessed my friends.

I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow. I think it will be a quick one again because even if I made TONS of progress I'm not having any contractions. Here is my personal prediction. I think that next week on my next doctor's appointment when I have another ultrasound that my doctor will then start talking about induction or possible c section. What I want to happen, I want to either go into labor before then, or be induced soon after May 6th. I don't want Loralei to get so big that she can't fit through my pelvis or I need to have a c section. But of course my top priority is to get her here as safe as possible.

For me, this pregnancy is starting to really wear on me. I think it's because I got full term big so quickly and my body is really not having fun anymore. I've been full term size for about 5 weeks now and considering I'm doing well. The new symptoms that I have are just an overwhelming fatigue and soreness everywhere. Oh well, Loralei is so worth it.

Pregancy Updates

I had an ultrasound yesterday, April 17th to determine why I am so big. Luckily, my mom wasn't right. I am only having one baby!! Yay for a single birth! It turns out that I measure big because Loralei is 8 pounds plus or minus 1 pound AND I happen to produce more fluid that usual. So put those together and you get me, a really really big pregnant girl. It was so wonderful to be able to see Loralei again before she gets here. She is still perfect. You could see her fat legs which look like little cabbage patch legs and she already has a buddah belly! I was so happy to see her healthy. She wouldn't let us see her face, but we did get her measurements and she's measuring all 38 to 39 weeks.

The doctor told me that we are just going to hold out for a little while and get another ultrasound in 3 weeks if I'm still pregnant. She checked me and I wasn't dilated at all but I was already 75% effaced and the cervix was really soft. My doctor made it sound like I could go in labor at any time and everything would be ok. I just so glad that Loralei looks healthy and I don't really care when she comes as long she is healthy. The only "bad" news was that I am at a higher chance of having a c-section because my abundance of fluid allows Loralei to swim around and doesn't force her to engage in my pelvis, but the doctor said that there isn't really anything to fret over right now.

I am just so relieved that everything is still looking really normal. I was a little sad that she is measuring so big, but honestly all I really care about is that she is healthy and comes at the best time for her.

Baby Shower and Week 33

I has such a great baby shower!! Kath and Brie did and amazing job and I was literally showered with baby gifts! I have included pics below.



As you can see my hair is pretty dark. I really really like it. It's lightening up some more as we go along and there seems to be abit more red. Also you can see the baby belly, it is growing bigger pretty much by the day. I was thinking the other day that my normal is clothes is going to feel huge without the beachball of my preggo belly since I wear a lot of them still.

I got news from my doctor that my fundal height (or the size of my uterus) is about 3.5 weeks bigger than they would expect. This means that either I produce too much fluid or little Loralei isn't going to be a tiny baby. I am guessing on the later with the way that I can feel her hanging out as far as my belly will let her. It's an amazing feeling to feel her with just maybe an inch of skin between me and her. Sometimes tho, I swear she is trying to make her exit thru my belly button. Silly baby.

Everything is going well. We had a little financial scare this week with Ry getting laid off this Monday. But he found another job within 4 days and that is truly a miracle in this economy. He is working hard to paint the nursery. I will post pics when its done. Also, I have been sick. Its a really bad cough/cold. I just woke up coughing and it has not been fun. I'm sore all over from coughing.

To end on a lighter note, this weekend in General Conference! I'm so excited that we get to hear from a living prophet and the general authorities. I need this conference and I feel so blessed to be able to see it.

Change in Hair Color and the End of our Prenatal Class

Saturday was a monumental day for me. I officially left the ranks of blonds everywhere and became a brunette. I really wanted something different that required a lot less upkeep and would allow me to look different and look good with a new baby around. I tried this before...and it didn't work I was way too chicken to actually pick out a color dark enough to cover up my blond. It's much harder to cover up blond than I thought. So I sent Brie on a mission to pick out the hair color she thought would look good. She picked out this one. It's Feria's warm Brazilian brown.

I love it!! The first day or so it was a little dark but the red highlights have really come out and I can say I am a bit of a redhead. Not a ginger per say but I really like. The reactions that I have gotten have been mixed, but Ry loves it and comments on it constantly. I will upload pictures from my baby shower this weekend.

This week we also completed our prenatal class. I am so glad that we went. I feel so much better about the whole birthing process and the scary first few weeks. Our last class was a breastfeeding class and I have to say that it was SO funny to see the fathers (soon-to-be) so uncomfortable about all the breasts that was involved. When I talked to Ry about it he said the worst part was the instructor using her own chest as demonstration. LOL!! Thankfully there was no instructor "live" nudity. I will say that the most disturbing part of the whole process for is seeing the milk actually make an exit. I know it will soon be my reality and hopefully at that time I will think its super cool...but right now it gives me the heeby-jeebies!

On Saturday I have my awesome baby shower thrown by Kath and Brie. I am so grateful such amazing people in my life and all the hard work they are putting into it!! I love ya'll!! I will hopefully take tons of pictures and once again post pictures of the amazing awesomeness that is my stomach. My goal before the end of the pregnancy is maybe to get some video of the amazing movements of my child. It is so awesome to see her moving around, sometimes painful but always amazing!

31 Weeks and the Funnier Side of Being Pregnant

I am closing the 31st week of my pregnancy. I have to be honest other than the random pain that I have all the time, I am enjoying it a lot more. I feel Loralei kick and move and somersault all hours of the day and she really makes me laugh. I also have to laugh at the stares that I get. Now I live in Utah where everyone and their cat is pregnant yet people feel like they have to slow down their cars to stare at me when I'm walking to church! Some call me too sensitive, but I wasn't the one that pointed it out; my husband Ryan did! There are perks tho, people actually stop at the crosswalk when I'm crossing the street ;) and sometimes they hold open doors.

67 Days and Counting

AHHHH the gloriousness of my baby bump. This is me in Saint George getting ready to go out to the pool. I love my swimsuit! Ry picked it out. As you can see, my baby is growing strong and healthy. Just 64 days left!! Woot! I'm so ready to meet her. This has been by far the strangest, most all encompassing journey that I've ever been on. I love the child growing inside me. I love the love that has grown between me and my husband. I love life right now.

Tribute to a Wonderful Guy

This Saturday is my and Ryan's first anniversary and in celebration I wanted to leave a tribute to the most wonderful man I've ever met. I love my husband. He is so gorgeous and funny. I can't believe that he chose me and probably more amazing is that he continues to choose me after this year. Here are some of the things that I love about my husband.

1. He is always able to laugh.
2. He is ticklish.
3. He still looks at me (7 1/2 month pregnant) like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
4. He is the only person who can get me to laugh no matter how angry or sad that I am.
5. He's got my back no matter what.
6. He is always dreaming about the future.
7. He loves to lay his head on my tummy before bed to spend time with the baby and to feel her kick.
8. He is the best listener (when the TV is off)
9. He hates sports, so practically no boring TV ever
10. He loves to spend time with just me and him.

There are so many more reasons why I love the kid but these are the top ten. I love him so much and I'm so grateful everyday that he chose to ask me on a walk on a July evening in 2007. I am so truly amazed at how blessed I am to have him. And the best decision I have ever made was to seal myself to him. I love you Babe!!

Ups and Downs of Life

This past weekend was full of ups and downs. I struggle with one thing and that is that I always want to know the end from the beginning. I want to know how things work out before I even try them. I know that my past and childhood has made me so desire security that I am paralyzed to take risks. What this typically means is that I really get bent out of shape when things don't work out to plan and sometimes I get bitter. Saturday was one of those days. We went maternity swim suit shopping which may be fun to so cutely preggo gals. But for me it was so sad cause for the first time I got to see my stomach in a full length mirror. Being pregnant doesn't bother me, what it is doing to my skin is what bothers me. I look like I have a map of Rome on my stomach. Now the unfailing optimist in me wants to say that Heavenly Father loves me SO much that he wanted to give me another reason to always be modest. :P But it really made me sad. I don't know I just don't feel attractive anymore...and it's pretty permanent.

The other thing that came up was that some money that I was really counting on to get our savings and baby fund started fell through so we have little opportunity to put anything away for a rainy day before Loralei arrives. That paired with Ry not working full weeks has started to really put a strain on me. So on Saturday when I found out about our lack of funds I got really bitter and upset. I just couldn't understand why this one thing couldn't work out for us when it has worked out for so many people that I know. This carried on through Sunday, when miracles of miracles it seemed like all the hymns were picked out especially for me. In Relief Society we sang "Lead Thou Me On" (?) and it really reminded me that I need to be able to trust like a child in the dark that I will be led to all paths that are good for me and my family.

My worries haven't all gone away. In fact, I am still struggling a bit, but I am able to say without a shadow of a doubt that though my path may seem difficult and my burden heavy I have the love and guidance of a wonderful Heavenly Father who just loves me too good to let me be alone when I'm in need.

Life as a Duplex

This week had been full of growing bigger. At my last doctor's appointment, my doctor looked at me and smiled and said " You know at this point you feel like there's no way that you get bigger, but you will...you will." That is not the most comforting thing let me tell you. This week I have started to feel the soreness of getting bigger. Nothing really hurts more than my tummy. Rolling over is such an ordeal now. Ry laughs at my "free willy" flop that I have to do to get over. Being pregnant is so fun ;)

I got to hear from my foster parent's this week. To give a little background, when my mother lost custody of me when I was about 6 and a half, they couldn't find any relatives that would take me so I was placed in a foster home with the Grotelueschen's. That period in my childhood was one of my happiest. Unfortunately we lost touch several time as I grew up. Yesterday, I received an email from my foster Dad asking how I was. I got to tell them that I was going to have a baby and that I was doing well. I'm always happy to give them good news, because for how my life started out, it's amazing that it's going as well as it is. I am so very blessed to have the love of another family far away in Alaska.

I have been reminded that I need to get pregnancy pics posted. Now I haven't because I'm embarrassed. Tho, I am a little awed at the awesomeness of my tummy; the reason has been pure laziness. My job wipes me out and the last thing I feel like doing is posing for pics after work. I promise to have some up soon, at least before I have this baby.

So in comes the stress

These past few days I have been hit with enormity of it all. I have been stressing non stop about how I am going to actually BE a mom and have all that that entails. Those who know me knows that I'm a worrier. Call it genetics are environmental, but I've always been one who looks for the rainy day. So I thought that if I listed my worries that it might help me to bring this unrelenting stress at least down to a point.
1. I'm stressed about $$, I want to be a stay at home mom, but we are not financially solvent on one paycheck. I want to believe that if we just have the faith that we can cut our income by more than half and live with me staying home with Loralei, but I'm really scared. I'm scared because it's going to hard and maybe impossible.
2. I'm stressed about working part time, I don't know if my current company will keep me part time, and if they do will I still be able to be a good mom. I never wanted to be a working mom, but what can you do?
3. I'm worried about just being a mom. I know that during pregnancy is not the best time to evaluate yourself as a person, but I'm kinda lacking in the patience area and I really worry that I won't be a good mom or that I will screw my kid up horribly.
4. I'm really worried about the sheer work of having a baby. The idea of going without sleep and being completely centered on someone else is so scary.
5. Don't get me started on the birth and breastfeeding.

I know that I shouldn't worry, I love babies and I already love Loralei with all my heart. I am so blessed to have this experience and I need to have faith because faith and fear cannot exist in the same person at the same time.

Best Dream EVER!!

Since, I seem to post more than I write in my journal...yes I'm that pathetic ;)... I wanted to share a wonderful dream I had this morning. I had a dream that Loralei was here and I was holding and I got to smell her and she was nekkid except for a diaper and I was rubbing her back and she little freckles right in between her shoulder blades and the little newborn fuzz that all babies have. And she smelled SO good!! It made me want to have her right now so I can hold her! It was really such a good dream and I was so upset when my alarm went off and woke me up, but bonus snuggle time with Sexy husband!!

I am truly so blessed to have this experience. I let dumb little things scare me about having Loralei like the fear of sleep deprivation and breastfeeding but I should know that this is just right and what is planned for me. I'm so excited to be a mother and I can't wait to meet my little girl.

First Dream about Child Birth...If Only..

Last night I had my first dream about actually birthing Loralei. It was fantastic, and if my actual birth was like this, yeah I think I could handle it. However I know its my subconscious way to try to shield me from the birthing experience. In my dream, I was in bed asleep with my husband and I felt like I was dilating (no pain) and that I was going to give birth. So Ryan my husband who's asleep beside me says just go with it. So I start pushing and soon the head is out and so is the rest of the baby. She's a little small cause get this, she's only 6 months and a day in the womb, but that doesn't really effect her. And I call my Mom (from AL) and have her take care of the umbilical cord. Then I start nursing Loralei and everything is ok. Then the HUGE worry that I have (not that i just gave birth at 6 months or at home in my bed) is that I had my baby too early and I'm going to have to tell work. And I spend the rest of the dream trying to call work to tell them that I've had my baby and will need to start my maternity leave immediately.

Wow, what a dream. Tho, I have to be honest, if the the birth happens as painlessly in my dream I would not complain. :)

January 2009

Drum roll please!! Ryan and I are going to have a little girl!! We've decided on a name (99% sure) of Loralei Grace. It was amazing to see her at the ultrasound. It was Ry's first time to see or hear her heartbeat so it was really special to watch him with his just expression of wonder. I told him "See I have been working hard!" She look really healthy, we have a profile picture where she's doing a perfect mountain pose (yoga) and there's a really great one the doctor has of her lips and you can see her little nose too. It was simply magical. I was worried that Ry would be sad that it was a girl but he was so happy that she was healthy and real..I guess.

This month is Ry's birthday, on Friday we and a big group of friends and family are going out to the BrickOven pizzeria in Provo to celebrate. Ry picked out his presents and I picked out a super secret surprise present. He never reads this so I can say that's it's a new wedding ring so that he can always be reminded of the family he has at home. And I was able to get the exact same one. I hope he hangs onto this one a bit longer than the last one.

I'm really enjoying being pregnant right now, its amazing to feel Rory rolling around in there and she cracks me up. Ry is a little like Darla (Finding Nemo) with the shaking and the "Wake up Baby" but I think she'll still like him when she's born ;) He'll be the really fun one :P I feel so much better than I did in the 1st trimester and I could see me doing this 3 more times now. That's a definite plus. I'm six month next week so time is passing quickly.

I can't wait for winter to end! Lucky us we get a little break on the first weekend in March where Ryan and I are going to have a little anniversary trip. Our first anniversary and I'll be 7 months pregnant. Hee hee. I love him more than ever!